Angry
As I have said before, I want this blog to be my honest feelings. So, I apologize in advance for this blog post, because I know it isn't going to be a popular one. Some of you may be disappointed in me for what I write here in this post, and I'm sorry, I really am, but, this is how I'm feeling right now, and I promise you I'm trying to fight it, but right now, at this moment, I'm losing the battle. So, I want to get the words out, I want to write. It's therapeutic for me.
Right now, I'm angry. I'm angry at my body. I'm angry at the whole world. I'm angry at God (and I know I shouldn't be, I really do, and I really feel guilty even typing that). This anger is always right under the surface. It is almost as if I can literally feel my blood simmering in anger, just waiting to reach a boiling point. And unfortunately, when it has reached that point, I have struck out against those I love the most, my husband and my mom.
Dusty and I have been through a lot, and this is the first time I really have felt truly angry with God. In June, 2010, I lost my dad. I was a daddy's girl through and through, and at 27, my daddy died, on father's day. I had all the reason in the world to be angry with God then, but I wasn't. That doesn't mean I wasn't hurt, I was, it was the hardest thing I had ever been through, but I don't remember anger. Then, in July of 2012, my father-in-law died suddenly from a heart attack. Again, I could have been angry, but I wasn't. God gave me strength then, to be Dusty's rock, for once, after he had been mine over and over.
However, in this moment, I feel anger. And it hurts me to feel this way. I know it isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do. I've prayed, and prayed for a child. It hurts so hard when I see others happy with their children. Dear friends, please don't take this personally, as I am truly happy for you, but for myself, I hurt. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she is pregnant, and I really am happy for her, and she even told me she hesitated to tell me, because of my situation. I told her that she shouldn't worry about that! I really am thrilled for her and her husband, they deserve all of the happiness in the world. But it stings at the same time. And I swear to you, there are record numbers of pregnant women walking around right now. Everywhere I look, I see a beautiful, round, glowing pregnant woman and I turn green with envy and quickly look away.
I know that Dusty and I have a very long way to go in this journey and it is way too early to feel this way. And I know this too shall pass.
For an update on the TTC journey, as I last told you, I'm not pregnant. The IUI didn't work. However; my period has still not started, and I'm about a week late at this point. I've taken a couple more pregnancy tests just in case, but they continue to be negative. My stupid app that I use to track my period (yep, there's an app for that), is even asking me if I'm pregnant.
I called my doctor's nurse yesterday and asked what is going on. I'm scheduled to go in for a blood test on Monday to verify I'm not pregnant, and then when that is confirmed, I'll be given medicine to start my period and get moving down the road with the next IUI. I asked the nurse what was going on, and she said that it may be that I didn't ovulate right, or something like that, even with the trigger shot. So, who knows. All of these hormones and drugs going into my body has it confused, I'm sure. So now, I'll take more to help straighten out the mess the others caused. What a vicious cycle.
Right now, I'm angry. I'm angry at my body. I'm angry at the whole world. I'm angry at God (and I know I shouldn't be, I really do, and I really feel guilty even typing that). This anger is always right under the surface. It is almost as if I can literally feel my blood simmering in anger, just waiting to reach a boiling point. And unfortunately, when it has reached that point, I have struck out against those I love the most, my husband and my mom.
Dusty and I have been through a lot, and this is the first time I really have felt truly angry with God. In June, 2010, I lost my dad. I was a daddy's girl through and through, and at 27, my daddy died, on father's day. I had all the reason in the world to be angry with God then, but I wasn't. That doesn't mean I wasn't hurt, I was, it was the hardest thing I had ever been through, but I don't remember anger. Then, in July of 2012, my father-in-law died suddenly from a heart attack. Again, I could have been angry, but I wasn't. God gave me strength then, to be Dusty's rock, for once, after he had been mine over and over.
However, in this moment, I feel anger. And it hurts me to feel this way. I know it isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do. I've prayed, and prayed for a child. It hurts so hard when I see others happy with their children. Dear friends, please don't take this personally, as I am truly happy for you, but for myself, I hurt. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she is pregnant, and I really am happy for her, and she even told me she hesitated to tell me, because of my situation. I told her that she shouldn't worry about that! I really am thrilled for her and her husband, they deserve all of the happiness in the world. But it stings at the same time. And I swear to you, there are record numbers of pregnant women walking around right now. Everywhere I look, I see a beautiful, round, glowing pregnant woman and I turn green with envy and quickly look away.
I know that Dusty and I have a very long way to go in this journey and it is way too early to feel this way. And I know this too shall pass.
For an update on the TTC journey, as I last told you, I'm not pregnant. The IUI didn't work. However; my period has still not started, and I'm about a week late at this point. I've taken a couple more pregnancy tests just in case, but they continue to be negative. My stupid app that I use to track my period (yep, there's an app for that), is even asking me if I'm pregnant.
Michelle, sweet girl, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had the words to say to help you feel better. It's okay to feel angry. This situation isn't fair and it's heartbreaking - for you and for those of us who love you and hate seeing you hurting. Here's the thing - God knows you're angry anyway, so don't feel guilty admitting it! You are covered in prayer, precious friend. Your time will come. Love you!
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