You don't know how it feels...to be me....
This post isn't going to be quite as cynical as the title leads you to believe, it's just that Tom Petty song is pretty fitting for the subject matter of this blog post tonight.
Blogging can be so therapeutic. Tonight is one of those times.
I have 4 co-workers that know the struggle that Dusty and I are going through. I was having a completely unrelated conversation through our instant messenger with one of them today about how stressed out I am right now and the physical signs of the stress that are present right now (one of my eyes has been twitching for about a week, and the twitch was so bad this morning while I was looking in the mirror, it freaked me out and I had to look away, and, along with the twitch, ulcers in the back of my throat that I only get when I am super stressed, which I have right now). This co-worker (who, I might say, is really bad about handling stress herself) tells me that I am killing myself whenever I get upset about other people having babies and it isn't good for me. Now, I will say, this co-worker and I have the type of friendship where we are brutally honest with each other and know that the other one wouldn't say it unless we absolutely mean it and believe it to be true, which is one thing I appreciate about our friendship. However; this, this statement just blew my mind. I wrote back the following:
"well, that's true, I really don't mean to sound mean here, but you can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for me. Imagine wanting something more than anything in the world, more than you have ever wanted anything in your entire life, and not knowing if you will ever have it, and then you have 10+ really great friends get what you want and you still don't have it, and then multiply however hard you think that would feel times about 10"
That's the truth, and is the only way I can describe it to people that aren't going through what we are. I really don't mean to sound awful, or mean, or self-centered, or anything like that, and I don't want anyone to throw me a pity party, I'm just simply stating, this is the hardest thing we've ever been through and for most people, they won't ever have to know that pain (thank goodness).
I think my buttons are being pushed extremely hard and very often right now and I'm not sure why. The same receptionist that tried to shove the newborn baby's picture in my face last week asked me today if I had "held that baby lately?" She better be glad she was walking in front of me and didn't see the go to hell look (otherwise known as the Wolfe glare) that I shot her. I nearly lost it on her. What I wanted to say was, since you mentioned babies, don't ever mention babies to me again...but instead, I just gritted my teeth and said, Nope, been too freaking busy! Then, this evening, I heard another co-worker talking about his pregnant wife and how she had good days and bad with her pregnancy. I just wanted to scream that he has no idea how lucky they are to even be pregnant. This co-worker has only told our boss that his wife is pregnant, as they are keeping it under wraps for now, however; I overheard him in my boss' office tonight talking about it. I've had my suspicions for several weeks now that they were expecting, as about 5 weeks ago, he had a "closed door meeting" with my boss, and when I asked my boss afterwards if everything was ok, he said, it's great news, you'll know soon, I knew instantly this co-worker's wife was pregnant.
Just lovely...it is all just absolutely lovely right now. All in the same week that my poor, sweet, old, loving dog of 14 years died. I will do a post soon about my sweet girl, Honey Bee. She was such a sweet girl.
Well, that's all, my venting is over for now. :)
Blogging can be so therapeutic. Tonight is one of those times.
I have 4 co-workers that know the struggle that Dusty and I are going through. I was having a completely unrelated conversation through our instant messenger with one of them today about how stressed out I am right now and the physical signs of the stress that are present right now (one of my eyes has been twitching for about a week, and the twitch was so bad this morning while I was looking in the mirror, it freaked me out and I had to look away, and, along with the twitch, ulcers in the back of my throat that I only get when I am super stressed, which I have right now). This co-worker (who, I might say, is really bad about handling stress herself) tells me that I am killing myself whenever I get upset about other people having babies and it isn't good for me. Now, I will say, this co-worker and I have the type of friendship where we are brutally honest with each other and know that the other one wouldn't say it unless we absolutely mean it and believe it to be true, which is one thing I appreciate about our friendship. However; this, this statement just blew my mind. I wrote back the following:
"well, that's true, I really don't mean to sound mean here, but you can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for me. Imagine wanting something more than anything in the world, more than you have ever wanted anything in your entire life, and not knowing if you will ever have it, and then you have 10+ really great friends get what you want and you still don't have it, and then multiply however hard you think that would feel times about 10"
That's the truth, and is the only way I can describe it to people that aren't going through what we are. I really don't mean to sound awful, or mean, or self-centered, or anything like that, and I don't want anyone to throw me a pity party, I'm just simply stating, this is the hardest thing we've ever been through and for most people, they won't ever have to know that pain (thank goodness).
I think my buttons are being pushed extremely hard and very often right now and I'm not sure why. The same receptionist that tried to shove the newborn baby's picture in my face last week asked me today if I had "held that baby lately?" She better be glad she was walking in front of me and didn't see the go to hell look (otherwise known as the Wolfe glare) that I shot her. I nearly lost it on her. What I wanted to say was, since you mentioned babies, don't ever mention babies to me again...but instead, I just gritted my teeth and said, Nope, been too freaking busy! Then, this evening, I heard another co-worker talking about his pregnant wife and how she had good days and bad with her pregnancy. I just wanted to scream that he has no idea how lucky they are to even be pregnant. This co-worker has only told our boss that his wife is pregnant, as they are keeping it under wraps for now, however; I overheard him in my boss' office tonight talking about it. I've had my suspicions for several weeks now that they were expecting, as about 5 weeks ago, he had a "closed door meeting" with my boss, and when I asked my boss afterwards if everything was ok, he said, it's great news, you'll know soon, I knew instantly this co-worker's wife was pregnant.
Just lovely...it is all just absolutely lovely right now. All in the same week that my poor, sweet, old, loving dog of 14 years died. I will do a post soon about my sweet girl, Honey Bee. She was such a sweet girl.
Well, that's all, my venting is over for now. :)
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