My Silence

I haven't posted for a while.

The truth is, I don't have much to say.

My heart hurts.  I still miss my babies every single second of every single day. 

I'm still not pregnant. 

There is nothing new here. 

Everything seems to be on hold.  I'm trying to survive my busy season at work.  I'm not working many hours, and it hasn't been that bad, except I can't handle stress like I used to.  I seem to have completely lost my ability to multi-task and keep all the balls in the air that I used to be able to juggle with ease.  My mind is constantly elsewhere.  I nearly walked away from my career because I can't do it any more.  I think I'm past that now.  I still can't focus like I should, but I'm trying to work around it.

I don't know what is next for us.  As my whole life story has been, nothing has gone as planned.  I need to stop planning, because clearly, there is no point. 

I try to hold onto the faith that eventually, we will have happiness, but to be perfectly honest, that's getting harder.  There are absolutely no guarantees in life, and that is becoming clearer and clearer to me with every single passing day.  God certainly didn't promise us that life would be peachy.   

I still have days where I just want to curl up in bed and not get out.  I think I've done that once, on my babies' due date.  The rest of the time, I somehow fight through it.  Maybe I'm depressed, but shouldn't I be? 

There is no time limit on grief.  It isn't something Dusty and I will ever "get over".  It isn't like things will be made whole again.  Our babies aren't here, they never will be.  It isn't fair. 

We are meeting with our pastor a week from tomorrow.  I'm not sure what I want to gain from it, but I am looking forward to it, and I think we need it.  I know I do. 

I'm ready to give up. 

Maybe soon I'll have something positive to post about.  I will share about our March for Babies soon.