We Still Miss Our Bitties

I think, in starting to get excited about this pregnancy, it's easy to appear that we have moved on past Chandler and Paisley, and I want to make sure that it is clear that is not the case.  We still miss our Bitties so much.  We very much still have moments where we tear up, or flat out cry, and think about how we should have 4 babies running around, 2 sets of twins, and how amazing that would be, and how we would absolutely love every single minute of it.

As I move through this pregnancy, I can't help but feel tremendous guilt that I've made it this far with these babies and didn't with Chandler and Paisley.  I hate my body for that.  My heart hurts for our Bitties.  I wish so badly they were here too.  It is a weird thing to think about because we wouldn't be pregnant right now with these babies if Chandler and Paisley were here.  These babies would still be frozen, waiting to come home with us.  

I was having a especially rough day filled with thoughts of Chandler and Paisley and left work sad and missing them.  They had been particularly strong on my mind that day.  They are always on my mind, but even more so that day.  When I got in my car and started my drive home from work, I noticed the most beautiful Chandler and Paisley sky.  I got to take it in the entire way home.  The colors were just brilliant and beautiful, and I know our Bitties painted it for me that day because they knew their mommy needed it.  

Yes...I took some while driving...sorry!  I was safe, I promise.

Dusty and I still absolutely love when friends post and share Chandler and Paisley Sky pictures.  It touches us more than you can even imagine.  To know that our Bitties are remembered and thought of means more than it is even possible to explain.

I think that is part of my fear with these babies.  I don't want anyone to think these babies are replacing our Bitties.  That is impossible!  Chandler is our first son, and Paisley our first daughter.  They are the babies that made us parents.  That will never change.  

We still long for them constantly.  Oh how we wish we could hold them.  Dusty was having a rough couple of days just this week, and he told me that he heard MercyMe's Homesick twice in one day.  Then, I heard it the next day.  You may ask what is so special about that?  Well, this song was released in 2004, so it isn't like it is particularly current and being played a lot.  This song has such a special meaning for us.  We heard it for the first time just a few short weeks after losing Chandler and Paisley and it has taken a very special place in our hearts.  We hardly listen to it without crying.  The first time Dusty played a youtube video of it, the singer intro'd the song by talking about the place he was in when he wrote this song.  He and those around him had experienced several losses in a very short amount of time, and he felt compelled to write this song.  In talking of the losses, he said that a very good friend of his and his wife's had lost twins at 5 months.  The first time I heard this, I lost it.  To know that this song came out of twins lost at 5 months, the same point where we lost Chandler and Paisley was just so overwhelming.  

Here is the youtube link where he spoke of this.  MercyMe - Homesick

Here are the lyrics:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I can't even explain how much Dusty and I can now relate to this song.  We both have lost our dad's and we have experienced hurt, but nothing compares to the loss of a child.  This song says it so well, homesick is exactly how we feel.  It's such an interesting feeling to be homesick for a place we've never been, but it's true.  And honestly, although expecting these babies has lessened that desire to be "home" as soon as possible, we still are homesick.  We still miss our Bitties as much as ever.