These Wacky Hormones...
I've never been one who ever felt like my hormones made me crazy. I know a lot of friends that would seriously PMS, and I just never had that. I also know that most women say clomid or other fertility drugs nearly made them crazy or made them want to murder their husband, or other similar things, and there really are only a handful of times looking back that I can really think of where I know the drugs were driving my hormones and making me crazy. However...after pregnancy, I have definitely felt them so much more.
Way back in October, I emailed my nurse practitioner from my fertility clinic to ask about coming off of crinone. When she replied, she wrote out maybe the longest email I have ever received from her, and in it, she told me to not be afraid if after giving birth, I felt off. She said they see it in a lot of their patients, except, after having gone through fertility treatments and having a successful pregnancy and birth, as "infertiles", we feel like we can not possibly be anything but ecstatic about bringing babies home, and we push aside those normal post pregnancy feelings, whatever they may be, whether depression, anxiety, whatever, and struggle with admitting that maybe our hormones are out of whack. So, that being said, it is something I've tried to keep in the front of my mind since giving birth, and have tried to keep myself in check.
And to be perfectly honest...I've had a few bad days.
I realize that giving birth to Kanon and Remington has brought on a whole additional grief cycle for Chandler and Paisley. The guilt of not being able to carry their pregnancy to term has hit me again so hard. If I made it far enough to give birth to healthy babies that get to come home this time, why couldn't I last time? We know pregnancy after loss is going to be hard, but what I didn't expect was how hard those feelings of guilt would hit after I delivered Kanon & Remi. I guess I expected to breathe a sigh of relief having made it through the pregnancy, and didn't think about how the waves of guilt would flood me again.
Then, another thing I didn't expect at all, but nearly floored me, was going back to my doctor's office for a follow up appointment with the doctor that did my c-section. I've been in that waiting room what feels like thousands of times (probably closer to 300, but it sure feels like over 1,000). Half of those appointments were as an infertile patient, sitting there filled with jealousy of the pregnant women who surrounded me. Then, once I became pregnant, I was filled with joy knowing I had finally "made it", I was pregnant, I was "one of them". What took me by complete surprise was going back, after delivering, and feeling all those feelings of jealousy wash over me again.
I sat in that waiting room, and looked around at the pregnant women, and I felt completely envious. Probably for the majority of them, they had no problems getting pregnant. They probably had a discussion with their husband that said something like, let's try for a baby, and then poof, a couple of months later, she saw 2 lines on her pregnancy test, and was thrilled. They were able to make a baby with their husband, in their own bed (or wherever, ha!) and it didn't require needles, petri dishes, countless ultrasounds to count follicles, estrogen patches, and on and on and on.
And furthermore, what hit me most of all, was sitting there, realizing my pregnancy was over, and unless by some miracle, I won't ever have another. I won't ever be that patient sitting in the waiting room, waiting to go see my baby(ies) on an ultrasound screen, or hear the heartbeat(s) on a doppler. I won't be the one waddling in, 8 months pregnant and counting down the days until 40 weeks.
In all reality, Dusty and I won't have another pregnancy. We are out of embryos, and won't go through IVF again (what in the world would we do if we ended up with 5 embryos again?!? We'd transfer them all, because that was the decision we made last time and what we believe is right for us). We are finished having children. And that is a decision that was not made by us...instead, it was made for us. Infertility made that determination for us. And I realized, sitting in that waiting room, how much that realization hurts. We didn't get to sit down before trying to get pregnant and deciding that child would be our last. We didn't get to talk it through and reach the conclusion that "x" number of children were enough, that we didn't need to try any more. When I realized that, sitting in that waiting room, knowing I never would again as a pregnant patient, I nearly lost it.
Not only did I feel such a tremendous amount of sadness over knowing we wouldn't have more children, but I felt guilt for even having those feelings when I should be so thankful for the two living, breathing answered prayers (to quote my dear friend Kristi). I can't help but think about all of the women going through infertility, countless failed cycle after another, miscarriage after miscarriage, that would give anything to be in my shoes, and they wouldn't care for a second that they were finished having children. How in the world could I sit here, having 2 beautiful, precious babies at home and possibly feel sad that we wouldn't have more?
Which brings me back to these hormones, and really, they are the only thing I can think of causing the whirlwind of emotions I have experienced since giving birth. Like I said, I've only had a few bad days, for the most part I feel great, and so very blessed, but those other few days have been rough! On those days, I can feel the hormones taking over my emotions. I don't know why I'm crying, or angry, or whatever else I may be feeling, but I am, and it makes me frustrated that I can't take a deep breath and shake off the crazy hormones. Too bad it doesn't work that way!
I told Dust a couple of weeks ago I would give myself 2 weeks to see if I started feeling better. I have. Those bad days are fewer and farther between. When I'm cranky, I truly believe it is from being tired rather than from raging hormones. However; I know that I'm not invincible and if I need to take medicine to help me feel normal again, that is perfectly ok!
I share all of this because it is what is on my mind, and maybe it will help somebody out there going through something similar.
Way back in October, I emailed my nurse practitioner from my fertility clinic to ask about coming off of crinone. When she replied, she wrote out maybe the longest email I have ever received from her, and in it, she told me to not be afraid if after giving birth, I felt off. She said they see it in a lot of their patients, except, after having gone through fertility treatments and having a successful pregnancy and birth, as "infertiles", we feel like we can not possibly be anything but ecstatic about bringing babies home, and we push aside those normal post pregnancy feelings, whatever they may be, whether depression, anxiety, whatever, and struggle with admitting that maybe our hormones are out of whack. So, that being said, it is something I've tried to keep in the front of my mind since giving birth, and have tried to keep myself in check.
And to be perfectly honest...I've had a few bad days.
I realize that giving birth to Kanon and Remington has brought on a whole additional grief cycle for Chandler and Paisley. The guilt of not being able to carry their pregnancy to term has hit me again so hard. If I made it far enough to give birth to healthy babies that get to come home this time, why couldn't I last time? We know pregnancy after loss is going to be hard, but what I didn't expect was how hard those feelings of guilt would hit after I delivered Kanon & Remi. I guess I expected to breathe a sigh of relief having made it through the pregnancy, and didn't think about how the waves of guilt would flood me again.
Then, another thing I didn't expect at all, but nearly floored me, was going back to my doctor's office for a follow up appointment with the doctor that did my c-section. I've been in that waiting room what feels like thousands of times (probably closer to 300, but it sure feels like over 1,000). Half of those appointments were as an infertile patient, sitting there filled with jealousy of the pregnant women who surrounded me. Then, once I became pregnant, I was filled with joy knowing I had finally "made it", I was pregnant, I was "one of them". What took me by complete surprise was going back, after delivering, and feeling all those feelings of jealousy wash over me again.
I sat in that waiting room, and looked around at the pregnant women, and I felt completely envious. Probably for the majority of them, they had no problems getting pregnant. They probably had a discussion with their husband that said something like, let's try for a baby, and then poof, a couple of months later, she saw 2 lines on her pregnancy test, and was thrilled. They were able to make a baby with their husband, in their own bed (or wherever, ha!) and it didn't require needles, petri dishes, countless ultrasounds to count follicles, estrogen patches, and on and on and on.
And furthermore, what hit me most of all, was sitting there, realizing my pregnancy was over, and unless by some miracle, I won't ever have another. I won't ever be that patient sitting in the waiting room, waiting to go see my baby(ies) on an ultrasound screen, or hear the heartbeat(s) on a doppler. I won't be the one waddling in, 8 months pregnant and counting down the days until 40 weeks.
In all reality, Dusty and I won't have another pregnancy. We are out of embryos, and won't go through IVF again (what in the world would we do if we ended up with 5 embryos again?!? We'd transfer them all, because that was the decision we made last time and what we believe is right for us). We are finished having children. And that is a decision that was not made by us...instead, it was made for us. Infertility made that determination for us. And I realized, sitting in that waiting room, how much that realization hurts. We didn't get to sit down before trying to get pregnant and deciding that child would be our last. We didn't get to talk it through and reach the conclusion that "x" number of children were enough, that we didn't need to try any more. When I realized that, sitting in that waiting room, knowing I never would again as a pregnant patient, I nearly lost it.
Not only did I feel such a tremendous amount of sadness over knowing we wouldn't have more children, but I felt guilt for even having those feelings when I should be so thankful for the two living, breathing answered prayers (to quote my dear friend Kristi). I can't help but think about all of the women going through infertility, countless failed cycle after another, miscarriage after miscarriage, that would give anything to be in my shoes, and they wouldn't care for a second that they were finished having children. How in the world could I sit here, having 2 beautiful, precious babies at home and possibly feel sad that we wouldn't have more?
Which brings me back to these hormones, and really, they are the only thing I can think of causing the whirlwind of emotions I have experienced since giving birth. Like I said, I've only had a few bad days, for the most part I feel great, and so very blessed, but those other few days have been rough! On those days, I can feel the hormones taking over my emotions. I don't know why I'm crying, or angry, or whatever else I may be feeling, but I am, and it makes me frustrated that I can't take a deep breath and shake off the crazy hormones. Too bad it doesn't work that way!
I told Dust a couple of weeks ago I would give myself 2 weeks to see if I started feeling better. I have. Those bad days are fewer and farther between. When I'm cranky, I truly believe it is from being tired rather than from raging hormones. However; I know that I'm not invincible and if I need to take medicine to help me feel normal again, that is perfectly ok!
I share all of this because it is what is on my mind, and maybe it will help somebody out there going through something similar.
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