Blog Identity
I've been struggling with where I want this blog to go. For so long, infertility was what the blog was about. Following that, tragically, the blog became about our sweet Chandler and Paisley, my short pregnancy with them, their deaths and our lives navigating the waters as bereaved parents. Then again, about infertility struggles, and again about pregnancy.
You know, a funny thing that I have never admitted to anyone, even my husband, because I was too scared...I remember being hesitant to begin blogging because at that time, I had only read a few blogs, and somehow, one of which that stood out to me that I followed the most was a blog of a woman who lost her first son. And I remember thinking to myself, but what if we lose a baby because I blogged about our struggles to get pregnant.
Wow.
Clear as can be, I remember thinking that. I remember feeling like I would jinx myself, that blogging would cause my pregnancy to not go well, and would lead to then having something to actually blog about, for the blog to be an emotional release for me.
Why in the world would I think that? Was God possibly planting the seed of what would come? Maybe? Do I have some weird intuition (think Trelawney from Harry Potter)? Is that weird? That's weird, isn't it?
I did always have this obsession with twins, but I think most little girls do. I felt I would have twins, always did.
I remember playing with dolls when I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, and I named my doll Natalie. I still remember the doll. She was a large, plastic doll that could stand on her own. She was maybe 18 inches tall, maybe a little taller. She had long blonde hair, and wore a black and white gingham dress, white tights and black shoes. I named her Natalie after the actress that played Alice in Alice in Wonderland's tv movie that had Sammy Davis Jr. in it as the caterpillar. (I loved that movie, and practically had it memorized I watched it so much.) I always wanted a boy doll that looked like her to be her twin and I would have named him Nathaniel. So as a child, I remember telling my mom I wanted to have twins, a boy and a girl, and name them Natalie and Nathaniel.
Anyway, I digress.
I really can't tell you why I always felt I would have twins, and why I had that awful thought about my blog becoming about loss. God? I guess. What else would explain it?
So, where should this blog go now?
I'm sure it will continue to be how I document Kanon & Remi and their progress...but I feel like it should be more. (Not minimizing them at all, they are amazing and I love them so much, and they are the most important thing in mine and Dusty's lives...but what else could it be about?) I hope and pray this blog has been able to reach people, and make an impact on them, and that is what I want going forward.
Let's face it, if you have been reading my blog long, we've been through some deep stuff together. But now that my infertility journey has ended, and we've walked through the darkest days of my life thus far (and prayerfully, every) together, I still want God to use me in some way. I want to serve him, somehow, and I hope it continues to be through this blog.
You know, a funny thing that I have never admitted to anyone, even my husband, because I was too scared...I remember being hesitant to begin blogging because at that time, I had only read a few blogs, and somehow, one of which that stood out to me that I followed the most was a blog of a woman who lost her first son. And I remember thinking to myself, but what if we lose a baby because I blogged about our struggles to get pregnant.
Wow.
Clear as can be, I remember thinking that. I remember feeling like I would jinx myself, that blogging would cause my pregnancy to not go well, and would lead to then having something to actually blog about, for the blog to be an emotional release for me.
Why in the world would I think that? Was God possibly planting the seed of what would come? Maybe? Do I have some weird intuition (think Trelawney from Harry Potter)? Is that weird? That's weird, isn't it?
I did always have this obsession with twins, but I think most little girls do. I felt I would have twins, always did.
I remember playing with dolls when I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, and I named my doll Natalie. I still remember the doll. She was a large, plastic doll that could stand on her own. She was maybe 18 inches tall, maybe a little taller. She had long blonde hair, and wore a black and white gingham dress, white tights and black shoes. I named her Natalie after the actress that played Alice in Alice in Wonderland's tv movie that had Sammy Davis Jr. in it as the caterpillar. (I loved that movie, and practically had it memorized I watched it so much.) I always wanted a boy doll that looked like her to be her twin and I would have named him Nathaniel. So as a child, I remember telling my mom I wanted to have twins, a boy and a girl, and name them Natalie and Nathaniel.
Anyway, I digress.
I really can't tell you why I always felt I would have twins, and why I had that awful thought about my blog becoming about loss. God? I guess. What else would explain it?
So, where should this blog go now?
I'm sure it will continue to be how I document Kanon & Remi and their progress...but I feel like it should be more. (Not minimizing them at all, they are amazing and I love them so much, and they are the most important thing in mine and Dusty's lives...but what else could it be about?) I hope and pray this blog has been able to reach people, and make an impact on them, and that is what I want going forward.
Let's face it, if you have been reading my blog long, we've been through some deep stuff together. But now that my infertility journey has ended, and we've walked through the darkest days of my life thus far (and prayerfully, every) together, I still want God to use me in some way. I want to serve him, somehow, and I hope it continues to be through this blog.
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