September 15th, 2015
September 15, 2015 will be one of those days that is forever etched in my memory. For whatever reason, my fertility clinic decided that we needed to have our first ultrasound there instead of at my ob office, so Dusty and I made the 3 hour trip to get there in time for our 10:00 appointment. We waited in the waiting room for a bit, until finally being called back. I was so anxious. I was so scared there would be no heartbeat. I had taken pregnancy tests at 4 days past our transfer, 5 days, and then 6, before Dusty hid the pregnancy tests and made me stop torturing myself (God bless that man). So, I hadn't analyzed lines to see if they were getting darker. I hadn't taken a digital to see what it said. None of that. I had just trusted the beta was right, and my hormone levels were still increasing as they should, but sitting there, waiting for that appointment, all of the fear and doubt creeps in.
Once we were called back, I got undressed for the ultrasound. I remember being frustrated because I wouldn't be able to see the screen. After all, I am pretty used to reading those things and knew what I was looking for. Dr. M came in and began the ultrasound with a medical student (maybe two), and a nurse. I remember hearing him measuring something and thinking, I hope that is good. Then, he played such an amazing sound, the sound of the heartbeat. I breathed a sigh of relief and said a little prayer of thanks. Then, Dust said, Thank God...I assume only 1? And the doctor replied, Well...no.
And in that moment, my heart broke all over again. All I could think was, no, no, no, I can't do this again, I can't let my body kill two more babies. What am I going to do? And I cried. And cried. And didn't stop crying for a very long time.
Many people would probably say, but, you should have had faith. How do you tell somebody that when they have been through what Dusty and I have been through? When we know the reality is, faith isn't a guarantee that life will be peachy? God does not promise us good here on Earth. Our good is when we get to Heaven.
But thank God for these precious miracles that we got to bring home in car seats this time.
Once we were called back, I got undressed for the ultrasound. I remember being frustrated because I wouldn't be able to see the screen. After all, I am pretty used to reading those things and knew what I was looking for. Dr. M came in and began the ultrasound with a medical student (maybe two), and a nurse. I remember hearing him measuring something and thinking, I hope that is good. Then, he played such an amazing sound, the sound of the heartbeat. I breathed a sigh of relief and said a little prayer of thanks. Then, Dust said, Thank God...I assume only 1? And the doctor replied, Well...no.
And in that moment, my heart broke all over again. All I could think was, no, no, no, I can't do this again, I can't let my body kill two more babies. What am I going to do? And I cried. And cried. And didn't stop crying for a very long time.
Many people would probably say, but, you should have had faith. How do you tell somebody that when they have been through what Dusty and I have been through? When we know the reality is, faith isn't a guarantee that life will be peachy? God does not promise us good here on Earth. Our good is when we get to Heaven.
But thank God for these precious miracles that we got to bring home in car seats this time.
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