2 Years...

It's been two years since we last held Chandler and Paisley.  Two years since I felt like nothing bad could ever happen to me.  Two years since our dreams completely shattered.  Two years since our lives felt like they were on the way to being whole.  

Chandler and Paisley...how we love and miss you.  Please, please sweet babies, know that Kanon and Remington will never, and could never be, your replacements.  Either way, we know we would have had them, and they would have been your siblings, and it would have been so much fun.  Please know that.

I had my very first dream about Chandler and Paisley.  I don't remember it, but I know I dreamt of them.  Friday morning, the day after their birthday, I was browsing through their pictures on my phone, and something in one of the pictures stirred in my brain the dream I had.  Oh how I wish I could remember it.  I can't believe I haven't dreamed of them before.  I have vivid dreams, crazy, unbelievable dreams, and it's always bothered me, in a way, that I haven't dreamed of them, but at the same time, I think it was my brain's way of protecting my heart, because I can't live through horrible dreams about them and their short time here.  

On Thursday, for Chandler and Paisley's birthday, we visited their headstone with my mom and a dear friend of ours.  We took cupcakes and balloons and had a little birthday party for them.  We replaced the flowers in their vases and admired their stone.  We took the day off work so we could spend it together, remembering them, and being together, and I'm so thankful we did.  

I'm so thankful for the friends that we have that remembered their days and reached out to us.  It truly means so much to us.  A friend sent this to me today, and it is so true, and I feel it more than ever.