Internal Conflict
I am happy. I really truly am. Kanon and Remington light up my world and bring me a joy that I can't even describe. When they smile at me, my heart melts. I would move mountains for them. I would lay down my life for them. They truly are the most amazing blessings and I thank God for them, all the time.
But I'm still sad. There is a sad, hurt, angry, bitter part of me that knows that there should be 4 babies here. The two boys and two girls that Dusty and I always wanted, and have...just not how we intended.
My sweet Chandler and Paisley are always at the front of my thoughts. There is almost a constant knot in my stomach from my missing them. I still long to know what they would look like now, who they would act like, and all of those details that we don't know.
I am so conflicted. It is such a bizarre feeling, to have this happiness, while still being sad. I will never really know what it is like to not have pain in my life, to not be hurting at any time. Mine and Dust's hearts were truly broken beyond repair. I picture my heart and I see this part of it that is dark and cracked and broken, while the rest of my heart is red and beating, this other part just sits, unmoving, unhealed...until Heaven, really.
I let my mind wander to that glorious reunion day and for the first time, I pictured Chandler and Paisley as being little kids around the age of 4 and running up to me and hugging me and me never letting them go and I didn't get sad at the thought of them being that age. Up until now, if I thought about it, I would be sad to think of them being anything but babies when I get to Heaven, babies that in my mind, I get to raise in Heaven. I don't know why, but this time, that didn't sadden me. I guess because I am living the experience of raising their siblings.
I know all of this is a mystery, and probably mostly a fantasy, as I really don't think that is what it will be like in Heaven. Who knows, though. I do believe I will know them in Heaven. I think the bible gives us a glimpse of that truth in 2 Samuel with the death of David's infant child. I place hope there.
I really don't know what brought this post to light for me today. I was feeling like I needed to post since it has been so long, and thought and thought about what to post, and have a couple of other things I want to post about, but felt like I should write this. I think part of it was, I began considering a Thanksgiving post, but to be honest, I still have resentment in my heart and although I know I have plenty to be thankful for, there is still this flame of anger that burns inside me knowing that I still have two children that were taken from Dusty and me way too soon. I don't know if that flame will ever go out while I am here on this earth.
But I'm still sad. There is a sad, hurt, angry, bitter part of me that knows that there should be 4 babies here. The two boys and two girls that Dusty and I always wanted, and have...just not how we intended.
My sweet Chandler and Paisley are always at the front of my thoughts. There is almost a constant knot in my stomach from my missing them. I still long to know what they would look like now, who they would act like, and all of those details that we don't know.
I am so conflicted. It is such a bizarre feeling, to have this happiness, while still being sad. I will never really know what it is like to not have pain in my life, to not be hurting at any time. Mine and Dust's hearts were truly broken beyond repair. I picture my heart and I see this part of it that is dark and cracked and broken, while the rest of my heart is red and beating, this other part just sits, unmoving, unhealed...until Heaven, really.
I let my mind wander to that glorious reunion day and for the first time, I pictured Chandler and Paisley as being little kids around the age of 4 and running up to me and hugging me and me never letting them go and I didn't get sad at the thought of them being that age. Up until now, if I thought about it, I would be sad to think of them being anything but babies when I get to Heaven, babies that in my mind, I get to raise in Heaven. I don't know why, but this time, that didn't sadden me. I guess because I am living the experience of raising their siblings.
I know all of this is a mystery, and probably mostly a fantasy, as I really don't think that is what it will be like in Heaven. Who knows, though. I do believe I will know them in Heaven. I think the bible gives us a glimpse of that truth in 2 Samuel with the death of David's infant child. I place hope there.
I really don't know what brought this post to light for me today. I was feeling like I needed to post since it has been so long, and thought and thought about what to post, and have a couple of other things I want to post about, but felt like I should write this. I think part of it was, I began considering a Thanksgiving post, but to be honest, I still have resentment in my heart and although I know I have plenty to be thankful for, there is still this flame of anger that burns inside me knowing that I still have two children that were taken from Dusty and me way too soon. I don't know if that flame will ever go out while I am here on this earth.
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