I smiled today

Something happened today.  I went to lunch, and as I walked through the door, there was a baby carrier there, and a little boy, and as I entered the room, the little boy made a noise and I turned and looked at the little boy, and I smiled. 

I smiled.  At a baby.  A baby that isn’t mine.  For the first time in years. 

It was such a different feeling that I literally stopped and thought to myself, I just smiled and took that moment to think about how different I feel inside.  My heart, although it still aches, feels somewhat mended.  I feel like there are bandages holding it together and maybe, slowly, pieces of it are trying to grow back together. 

It literally caught me off guard that for the first time in years, my reaction to seeing a baby was to smile.  A real smile.  I didn’t cringe.  I didn’t hold back tears.  I didn’t look the other way.  I didn’t feel anger.  I didn’t feel fear over an uncertain future.  I smiled.

And then, I felt sad.  Sad for all the happiness that infertility robbed me of.  Sad for the years that I spent feeling so angry, losing myself to infertility. 

Then, my heart became so heavy for those dear friends of mine still struggling with infertility.  Still fighting.  Still cringing.  Still crying.  Still aching with empty arms.  Still half-heartedly putting up their Christmas tree going through yet another Christmas without a baby to share the magic with.  And I prayed for them. 

Infertility can destroy a person, and it nearly destroyed me.  It would have, if we didn’t have Kanon and Remington.  Oh how I hate it.