What if there were more?
I won't do IVF again. Not because it is too hard, or too expensive, or too anything, except the sheer possibility that I would end up with too many embryos, and I just can't do anything except give those sweet embryos a chance at life if they are created. And I can't say I would be willing to transfer 5 more if say, we had similar results to the first time. Especially given every one of mine took, even if one ended in an early miscarriage.
But are Dusty and I done having children?
I truly don't know.
I'm not on birth control. And, I'm sorry - TMI here, but our sex life is finally back to normal after years of my body being pumped full of artificial hormones and thrown all out of wack and it directly impacting that. So...if it happens, it happens, and we'll be happy with that. As Dr. H said at my annual, we'd be happy, so, why go on birth control. BC is really the last thing I want. I finally feel like me! It's an amazing feeling.
So...what would more mean?
In this weird, crazy way, I really would only want twins again. (I know...lock me up) But, that's all we've known. And I feel like a "singleton" (isn't it funny how twin mommies, both to angel babies and earthly babies, refer to single baby pregnancies as "singletons". I mean, who else does that?!?) would be lonely, or would miss out, or wouldn't feel as special, or would just be too "plain".
But, I have absolutely no idea what my chances of conceiving again are, let alone having "spontaneous" twins. (Spontaneous - the acceptable term for twins not a result of fertility treatments). We never figured out why I couldn't get pregnant, and you hear stories of it happening all the time, right? So why not me?
But then all of these crazy thoughts pop into my head. Would it seem like we were just trying to replace Chandler and Paisley? Absolutely not! But sometimes I worry that. Am I just so damn jealous of normal pregnancies and normal breastfeeding and normal this or that that I'm willing to have another pregnancy just to be hope to be "normal"? (Breastfeeding - I shall say now, I pumped for a year, the babies got breastmilk for a year, but our nursing relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be. I've started a post about it, I just need to finish it)
What about work? Would it sink my career if I took another maternity leave? Would it be accepted? There are other women at my level who have had multiple pregnancies and multiple leaves, so why not me?
What about my infertile friends? That wouldn't be fair, for me to get pregnant naturally when there are so many fighting so hard for one chance at a living baby.
What about Kanon and Remi and our perfect little life that we have right now, right in this moment. They are our whole world. They are the joy that brings smiles to our faces and light up our eyes. Why change that?
We shall see where this road goes. It may be a dead end. It may just be a pipe dream. I just don't know.
But are Dusty and I done having children?
I truly don't know.
I'm not on birth control. And, I'm sorry - TMI here, but our sex life is finally back to normal after years of my body being pumped full of artificial hormones and thrown all out of wack and it directly impacting that. So...if it happens, it happens, and we'll be happy with that. As Dr. H said at my annual, we'd be happy, so, why go on birth control. BC is really the last thing I want. I finally feel like me! It's an amazing feeling.
So...what would more mean?
In this weird, crazy way, I really would only want twins again. (I know...lock me up) But, that's all we've known. And I feel like a "singleton" (isn't it funny how twin mommies, both to angel babies and earthly babies, refer to single baby pregnancies as "singletons". I mean, who else does that?!?) would be lonely, or would miss out, or wouldn't feel as special, or would just be too "plain".
But, I have absolutely no idea what my chances of conceiving again are, let alone having "spontaneous" twins. (Spontaneous - the acceptable term for twins not a result of fertility treatments). We never figured out why I couldn't get pregnant, and you hear stories of it happening all the time, right? So why not me?
But then all of these crazy thoughts pop into my head. Would it seem like we were just trying to replace Chandler and Paisley? Absolutely not! But sometimes I worry that. Am I just so damn jealous of normal pregnancies and normal breastfeeding and normal this or that that I'm willing to have another pregnancy just to be hope to be "normal"? (Breastfeeding - I shall say now, I pumped for a year, the babies got breastmilk for a year, but our nursing relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be. I've started a post about it, I just need to finish it)
What about work? Would it sink my career if I took another maternity leave? Would it be accepted? There are other women at my level who have had multiple pregnancies and multiple leaves, so why not me?
What about my infertile friends? That wouldn't be fair, for me to get pregnant naturally when there are so many fighting so hard for one chance at a living baby.
What about Kanon and Remi and our perfect little life that we have right now, right in this moment. They are our whole world. They are the joy that brings smiles to our faces and light up our eyes. Why change that?
We shall see where this road goes. It may be a dead end. It may just be a pipe dream. I just don't know.
Comments
Post a Comment