Three Years in Heaven

How has it been three years?  One-thousand ninety-six days. 

I can’t believe it’s been that long since we last held our Chandler and Paisley.  Since they were born, fought hard for a day, and then went to Heaven, hours apart. 

It’s very easy to be quickly transported back to those three days.  I honestly can place myself back there at any given moment.  I don’t know what that says, if anything.  Probably nothing.  I find myself trying to overanalyze everything, yet wanting to think about nothing, all at the same time. 

Grief comes in such waves.  Thursday was a hard day.  A long-time friend found out her granddaughter passed away in-utero at 25 weeks due to a cord accident.  Another friend and his wife are headed on the fast track of divorce and he confided in me on Thursday. 

Those two things happened the day before the Bitties’ third birthday.  I came home from being out of town and the weight of those things, along with the upcoming weekend was just too much and I just lost it.  My heart hurt so much for my friends, and for me, and Dusty, and Kanon and Remi. 

I find myself so envious of moms in my facebook groups who have two sets of twins.  I do too, damnit.  You just can’t see one set because they are in Heaven.

And they SHOULDN’T be!  Why did my body fail?  Why couldn’t my doctors have taken more preventative measures?  Why are twin pregnancies treated like normal pregnancies, until they aren’t?  

I digress and I don’t want to.  This post is for the Bitties.  Three.  My first babies would be three.  Except they shouldn’t yet, but that is a point I’ve labored over enough in previous posts. 

Three years of living with half my heart elsewhere.  Three years of wishing I could visit Heaven (really, about 14 months of wishing I was in Heaven with them). 

We are trying to honor them in every possible way.  I’ll post more on that later. 

But for now, happy birthday, Chandler and Paisley.