October

I’m taking a break from my miscarriage story for a couple of reasons.  One, I’m at the point where it really gets difficult to process and think about, and two, it is October.

My heart is heavy.  It is amazing how the body, even without the mind processing the thoughts, knows when a certain date is approaching.  October 1 rolled around and my facebook feed was filled with posts of people professing their love and gratitude for October.  And at each and every post, I cringed. 

October makes my heart hurt.  October is the month our precious Chandler and Paisley were born, months too soon, and passed away.  October also happens to be the month recognized and pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.  October 15 is the day that the international wave of light is recognized, where, at 7pm, a candle is lit for babies lost too soon, in each time zone, so that there is a continuous light shone around the clock. 

Honestly, I hate October.  I feel myself slipping into a depression and each day at work, I just want to leave and go home, shower, and curl up in my bed and watch Grey’s Anatomy.  Other days, I just want to leave and go get my babies and hug them and never let them go, and thank God that I have their beautiful, amazing soles here with me, with their daddy, to keep us moving forward each day. 

I still miss Chandler and Paisley tremendously.  I can’t believe it has been four years.  I look back at timehop and I see the innocent posts I made in the first few weeks of October, and I just think, if I had only known.  But of course, I had no idea.  The guilt floods me.  As a mother, I feel like I should have known.  I should have done more.  I should not have let my babies die.  I failed them. 

I hate October.