February...
My last post was October, the month the bitties were born. Now, here I sit, February 22nd. The day before Chandler & Paisley's due date, and, ironically, the due date I first calculated when I found out I had a spontaneous pregnancy in May. Of course it was, right? As if the universe couldn't leave well enough alone and let Chandler and Paisley have their own date...
The hurt is still here. It's raw, but numb all at the same time. Kanon and Remi, of course, bring such sunshine to all my days, but at the same time, I can't help but feel such a large piece of my family is just missing. They should have an older brother and sister, just like them, but a few years older.
The things I struggled with in the beginning, I still struggle with. There is not a single time I can say, God is good, there just isn't. Sure, God gave us Kanon and Remi after letting us lose Chandler and Paisley, but, if God was good, why would I have lost Chandler and Paisley in the first place?
I know in my head, bad things happen to good people. Awful, terrible, heartbreaking things happen to good people. I know that in my head, but my heart still can't let this go.
I've not finished my miscarriage story, but there is more to it, and that has brought me down so much. It has honestly scared me and broken me.
Speaking of that, finally, just 2 weeks ago, I had my last labs following the partial molar pregnancy. Those odds I was sure I'd defy just months ago, I didn't, surprisingly. So yay for that...
I'm in a funk, and I just can't come out of it. It's probably February. It's probably the fact that I should be planning Chandler and Paisley's 4th birthdays and preparing them for pre-k. But I'm not. Instead, I realize I need to get new flowers for their headstone.
The hurt is still here. It's raw, but numb all at the same time. Kanon and Remi, of course, bring such sunshine to all my days, but at the same time, I can't help but feel such a large piece of my family is just missing. They should have an older brother and sister, just like them, but a few years older.
The things I struggled with in the beginning, I still struggle with. There is not a single time I can say, God is good, there just isn't. Sure, God gave us Kanon and Remi after letting us lose Chandler and Paisley, but, if God was good, why would I have lost Chandler and Paisley in the first place?
I know in my head, bad things happen to good people. Awful, terrible, heartbreaking things happen to good people. I know that in my head, but my heart still can't let this go.
I've not finished my miscarriage story, but there is more to it, and that has brought me down so much. It has honestly scared me and broken me.
Speaking of that, finally, just 2 weeks ago, I had my last labs following the partial molar pregnancy. Those odds I was sure I'd defy just months ago, I didn't, surprisingly. So yay for that...
I'm in a funk, and I just can't come out of it. It's probably February. It's probably the fact that I should be planning Chandler and Paisley's 4th birthdays and preparing them for pre-k. But I'm not. Instead, I realize I need to get new flowers for their headstone.
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