Father's Day

Five years ago on Father’s Day, we said goodbye to my dad, while holding his hand, after a hard-fought fight against staph infection, among many other health issues.  Until last year, we had hated Father’s Day ever since. 

Last year, in the time leading up to Father’s Day, I learned that I was pregnant, and I was able to wrap up 3 pregnancy tests and give them to Dusty, along with his very first Father’s Day card.  Father’s Day was finally a happy day again!  Dusty was going to be a dad!

In fact, it was a year ago today that I drove home from a meeting in Little Rock, and on the way home, felt sick and was very tired, and decided maybe I should stop a get a test and maybe I would see two lines.  Timehop popped up today and I saw the picture I took of those two beautiful lines. 

I can remember the excitement and joy I felt when it seems like almost instantly, that 2^nd line appeared on my test.  I couldn’t wait to tell Dusty, but I wanted to make sure the test darkened, so I took another test the next morning, and then another the next afternoon, just for good measure, and those three tests were wrapped up and given to my husband on June 11, 2014. 

It was at that moment that Father’s Day became something special again.  We had a reason to celebrate that holiday.  The joy of our future children could finally take away the pain of our hospital room experience from four years earlier where we said goodbye to my father at 4:20 in the afternoon on Father’s Day. 

Now…now Father’s Day hurts more than I ever imagined it could.  I know how much Mother’s Day hurt.  I barely made it through it. 

I’ve noticed Dusty being a little less positive and a little more sad lately, and wasn’t sure what was bringing him down exactly, knowing it could be a combination of several things.  Until yesterday afternoon.  Yesterday afternoon, my sweet husband texted me and told me that he’s dreading Father’s Day.  The moment I read that text, my heart broke in two. 

There is nothing I’ve wanted more in the world than to give my husband children to raise here.  We thought we were there.  Our dreams had come true.  Not only were we pregnant, but we were having twins!  Our hearts were whole, our dreams had come true, and our lives felt so fulfilled. 

Until everything we thought would come true vanished in a matter of hours, leaving us with broken hearts and an empty nursery.

My husband is still a daddy, the best daddy in the world!  Father’s Day is still for him.  It is just so very bittersweet.  Instead of our two beautiful babies being here with him to celebrate, they are looking down from Heaven, and spending Father’s Day with my dad and with Dusty’s dad. 

I love you, Chandler and Paisley’s Daddy.