Test of Faith
I so want to blog more about this pregnancy. But I'm so scared. And now, I realize, as I'm typing this, that me being scared is showing my lack of faith that God is going to carry me through this pregnancy, which I truly believe he will.
I've only shared this with Dusty, but I truly feel God's strength this pregnancy. My body feels stronger. I feel a confidence that I know I only feel because of God's hand protecting me, and encouraging me, and most importantly, strengthening me. There are so many people praying for us, and I wish I could tell them all that it is working! I feel your prayers. Please keep them up!
Now, does that mean I never have scared moments? Heck no. I wish it did. Honestly, this pregnancy has been the scariest thing I've ever done. And these next 4-8 weeks will be so critical, and with that, so scary. But, I'm going to continue to trust in God.
How can I do that after what has happened to me? Well, honestly, I don't know. It's having faith. It's knowing that even with what we've been through, God is good. Even with all the anger I had with God for taking Chandler and Paisley from Dusty and me, I can hold onto hope and faith that he is going to see us through this pregnancy. It's purely blind faith. And there are many moments where I falter, MANY moments. In those moments, I ask Dusty to pray for me, or I stop whatever I'm doing, and I pray, or I reach out to my friends from small group that have continually lifted Dusty and me up for over a year, and I ask them to pray for me. I stop looking on google or facebook for strength, and I ask God for it. I stop scaring myself with stories I read online, and instead, ask God to write my story, and please let it be a good one!
I've held onto this song as well. We started singing it in church over a month ago, and I have to admit, the first time I heard it, I had a bitterness in my mind, and I thought, what kind of "good good father" takes away my babies? And I immediately felt terrible for even having that thought. I can say, I didn't want to listen to it, I didn't want to sing it. I didn't feel it in my heart. Somehow, over about a week's time, that bitterness left me. I've felt healing, and now, this is my song I go to when I'm having doubt, or fear, or just need to calm my anxiety. God truly is good. We will never know why he took Chandler and Paisley, but, we are going to see them again. That is one of the good things, God prepared for us Heaven, and we will be reunited with our sweet babies, and we will see them, and spend eternity with them, and that is so much better than anything we could have here on earth.
Chris Tomlin - Good Good Father
I've only shared this with Dusty, but I truly feel God's strength this pregnancy. My body feels stronger. I feel a confidence that I know I only feel because of God's hand protecting me, and encouraging me, and most importantly, strengthening me. There are so many people praying for us, and I wish I could tell them all that it is working! I feel your prayers. Please keep them up!
Now, does that mean I never have scared moments? Heck no. I wish it did. Honestly, this pregnancy has been the scariest thing I've ever done. And these next 4-8 weeks will be so critical, and with that, so scary. But, I'm going to continue to trust in God.
How can I do that after what has happened to me? Well, honestly, I don't know. It's having faith. It's knowing that even with what we've been through, God is good. Even with all the anger I had with God for taking Chandler and Paisley from Dusty and me, I can hold onto hope and faith that he is going to see us through this pregnancy. It's purely blind faith. And there are many moments where I falter, MANY moments. In those moments, I ask Dusty to pray for me, or I stop whatever I'm doing, and I pray, or I reach out to my friends from small group that have continually lifted Dusty and me up for over a year, and I ask them to pray for me. I stop looking on google or facebook for strength, and I ask God for it. I stop scaring myself with stories I read online, and instead, ask God to write my story, and please let it be a good one!
I've held onto this song as well. We started singing it in church over a month ago, and I have to admit, the first time I heard it, I had a bitterness in my mind, and I thought, what kind of "good good father" takes away my babies? And I immediately felt terrible for even having that thought. I can say, I didn't want to listen to it, I didn't want to sing it. I didn't feel it in my heart. Somehow, over about a week's time, that bitterness left me. I've felt healing, and now, this is my song I go to when I'm having doubt, or fear, or just need to calm my anxiety. God truly is good. We will never know why he took Chandler and Paisley, but, we are going to see them again. That is one of the good things, God prepared for us Heaven, and we will be reunited with our sweet babies, and we will see them, and spend eternity with them, and that is so much better than anything we could have here on earth.
Chris Tomlin - Good Good Father
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