2015 Go Home...You Suck

Here we are, 8 lousy days into this year, and already, I'm over it. 

I've had what looks like a chemical pregnancy, but maybe was just a fluke HCG result (per my doctor), and there is apparently no way to know what it was. 

Then, Dusty and I found out that one of his sisters got pregnant just before we lost our babies.  We want to be happy for her, we really, genuinely do, but dang, it hurts so badly.  Why can everyone else be happy and we can't?  Not that I don't want her to be happy, or anything at all like that, I'm not mad at her, or even jealous of her.  I'm just hurt, and that hurt isn't directed at her one little bit.  If I had the ability to be happy, I'd be happy for her, I truly would, but I don't, I can't.  All I can feel inside is pain.  I'm hurt that God would seem to abandon us like he has. 

It just isn't fair at all.  Dusty and I deserve children.  We deserve to have our Chandler and Paisley.  We dreamed of twins.  That dream came true.  We lived that dream for 22 short weeks.  And then it went away and forgot to take us with it.

You know what would be a lot easier?  Giving up.  Deciding we no longer want children.  Then, it wouldn't hurt when we are around children, it wouldn't hurt when we see the babies that others carry, it wouldn't hurt when we receive news of a pregnancy.  It wouldn't feel like our entire world has crashed down around us, to never, ever be put back together again.  We could just accept the fact that we will always be that childless couple, and move on. 

And at times, I wish I could do exactly that. 

This pain is just too much.  Why do Dusty and I have to fight so damn hard for something that so many people take for granted, or even destroy?  I saw on the news today some father in Florida threw his 5 year old daughter off a bridge and she died.  My God, what kind of monster does that?  And why was it ever a good idea for that man to be able to conceive a child with somebody? 

Why do Dusty and I have to live the rest of our lives missing our babies?  Every single day, for the rest of our lives, we will wake up and think of Chandler and Paisley, and we will hurt because they are not here. 

I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and I'm so over this.  I want to crawl in bed and never get out.  I don't want to face another day without my babies. 

I want to be happy, for me, for my family, for others, but I just can't.  Literally, I don't think I'm capable of it, at all.  I've had my dreams, everything I ever wanted, crushed, ripped from me, to be left here, with empty arms and tear stained cheeks.  I cry every single day.  I hurt every single second.  There is never a minute that goes by that Chandler and Paisley are not constantly in my thoughts. 

Dusty and I wanted our babies more than anything.  Why is all we have of our babies two tiny boxes sitting on our shelf with one pink ribbon and one blue ribbon wrapped around what contains what is left of our babies?  Why is the only way we can hold our babies is holding their ashes?  This isn't fair at all.  I hate this for me, I hate it for Dusty and I hate it for our family and friends.  I miss our babies, and I want them back. 

I know my attitude is terrible.  I know it is.  I'm so tired of fighting and having to be strong.  It is hard to be strong all the time.  And I'm tired of it.  I have looked back at old posts where I thought I was tired and at my lowest and how stupid was I?  What I was going through then is nothing compared to now.  My children died.  My body failed.  I failed.  On this earth, I will never hold my children, I will never hear them call me Mom, and call Dusty Dad, I will never hear them giggle.  I will never take family pictures with Chandler and Paisley smiling in them. 

I will never not hurt.