I left you with the news of antikell.  This was beyond a shock to me.  When I learned how scary, and frankly, how this can be fatal, I was terrified. 

To be completely honest, I had a very hard time dealing with this news.  Much harder than I let on.  I tried to shove the miscarriage away.  It was “just an early miscarriage”, afterall.  And even now, I can sit here and say, two and a half years later, that the pain of the miscarriage compared to that of Chandler and Paisley is MUCH less…but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t something I could just push away and not process. 

Given the partial molar and antikell, there was a lot more to unpack with the miscarriage than I fully admitted to myself.  It honestly took a coaching session with my partner at work for me to actually understand this.  He was asking me what was going on with me and why I didn’t share things with him like I used to.  It was an epiphany moment where I realized I no longer trusted anyone, but not just anyone, I no longer trusted God.  I don’t know how, but it was like a tidal wave hitting me and I knew I had to deal with that.

Upon realizing that, I decided I needed more help than I could give myself.  In the fall of 2018, I took steps to find a counselor.  I reached out to a trusted friend who knew a counselor who could recommend a counselor near my office that she thought would be a good fit.  I met with the counselor a handful of times and I must say, she was a huge help.  While I had uncovered the trust issues and the underlying reasons why (loss of Chandler and Paisley, finally a spontaneous pregnancy when I thought I had finally become ok with not having more children, which then ended in a miscarriage with so many complications), I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  Meeting with the counselor helped so much.  She analogized it to it being a deep wound filled with scar tissue that occasionally has to be uncovered and scraped clean from time to time.  This helped justify my anger and distrust so very much.

After a few sessions with her, I felt back in control, and honestly, felt such a relief from this.  It helped me reset and that was so needed.  I was able to get back to life without that hanging over my head.

Life continued as normal.  Work was crazy busy, but I was thriving in it.  We had found a groove at home.  My husband, who is the best husband and father ever, is such a huge help at home with the kids.  The kids are getting so independent and so fun.  They are brilliant and we just love having conversations with them.  Things were flowing.  2019 was a great year for us.  We had so much fund.

Just for reflection purposes, in 2019, we visited Silver Dollar City, two Straight No Chaser concerts with the kiddos, the pumpkin patch and Panama City Beach.  Life was great and we were loving it!  In fact, the kids still ask to go do all those things.  I am so thankful it was a period of time they remember and loved.  

And then March 2020 hit.

To be continued…