2014 - How I Want to Hate You
2014...
Easily the worst year of mine and my husband's entire life. But, on the other hand, a year that brought us the most happiness we've ever experienced.
The year started off January 3rd with a non-responsive and cancelled IUI. February brought us our third IUI. March, another non-responsive and cancelled IUI. So far, 2014, you have sucked.
April brought us something to look forward to, as we started moving, although very slowly, towards IVF. May, we began injections and were filled with hope!
June was easily the happiest month of our entire lives. June 1, we transferred two 3-day embryos back to momma, and got our first glance of Itty & Bitty, when they were just 6 cells and 8 cells. June 10th, I got my BFP! June 11th, after the lines got darker on my test, I told Dusty the wonderful news. June 12th, we got the results back from my beta and had an amazingly strong number and wondered if both embryos "stuck". June 15th, 2nd beta confirmed the embryo(s) was(were) growing! June 27th, we had our first ultrasound and saw two sacks. We were overjoyed!
July started amazingly, as on July 2nd, we saw two heartbeats. We couldn't have been happier. We were never scared about having twins, not even for a second!
July then took a downward turn, as late in July, Dusty was basically told he had 30 days until he'd be fired. Then, in August, Dusty was fired. Pregnant with twins, and now our income would be nearly cut in half. We were scared, but had faith God would take care of us and something would work out.
September was rough, as Dusty was interviewing and searching for a job constantly, but never got good news. We still had faith, and knew something would work out. But, September also brought our gender reveal party, on September 14th, where we told our family what we had found out on September 5th, we were having a boy and a girl! We were so happy! I couldn't wait to buy little girl dresses and cute boy clothes!! Our family was thrilled. It was perfect!
October started off incredible. Our babies were growing and doing amazing! I got promoted at work, which was completely unexpected. Then, early in October, Dusty was offered a job. We were thrilled. Life was back on track, thank God. Everything was going to be great.
Then...October 20th came. We met our sweet babies that day. Months early. Two months shy of my Christmas Day goal. October 21st, sweet Paisley went to Heaven. Hours later, October 22nd, strong Chandler followed. Our world has been so dark since then.
I can't even tell you what has happened since October. Dusty and I have fought to keep our faith; to trust God has a plan. We've cried countless tears. We've died inside. We've struggled to find hope. But, we've been lifted up by family and friends. We've met amazing, Godly people that I know have been introduced to us for a very specific reason. We've found a deeper relationship with God. Somehow, we've managed to continue to breathe.
As my SIL posted on Facebook today, this year has been bittersweet. The bitter has been much stronger than the sweet, but I'm so glad to have met and held me & Dusty's beautiful babies. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world, although I'd give up everything to have our babies here, instead of waiting for us in Heaven. In chatting with a friend who also lost her baby in October, we talked about how we feel like turning the page and starting another year is leaving our babies behind, but it isn't. Nothing will ever cause us to leave our babies behind. Instead, we're just moving one day closer to seeing our babies again.
Not any different than I've ended each year since 2012, I am hoping next year brings us happiness.
Easily the worst year of mine and my husband's entire life. But, on the other hand, a year that brought us the most happiness we've ever experienced.
The year started off January 3rd with a non-responsive and cancelled IUI. February brought us our third IUI. March, another non-responsive and cancelled IUI. So far, 2014, you have sucked.
April brought us something to look forward to, as we started moving, although very slowly, towards IVF. May, we began injections and were filled with hope!
June was easily the happiest month of our entire lives. June 1, we transferred two 3-day embryos back to momma, and got our first glance of Itty & Bitty, when they were just 6 cells and 8 cells. June 10th, I got my BFP! June 11th, after the lines got darker on my test, I told Dusty the wonderful news. June 12th, we got the results back from my beta and had an amazingly strong number and wondered if both embryos "stuck". June 15th, 2nd beta confirmed the embryo(s) was(were) growing! June 27th, we had our first ultrasound and saw two sacks. We were overjoyed!
July started amazingly, as on July 2nd, we saw two heartbeats. We couldn't have been happier. We were never scared about having twins, not even for a second!
July then took a downward turn, as late in July, Dusty was basically told he had 30 days until he'd be fired. Then, in August, Dusty was fired. Pregnant with twins, and now our income would be nearly cut in half. We were scared, but had faith God would take care of us and something would work out.
September was rough, as Dusty was interviewing and searching for a job constantly, but never got good news. We still had faith, and knew something would work out. But, September also brought our gender reveal party, on September 14th, where we told our family what we had found out on September 5th, we were having a boy and a girl! We were so happy! I couldn't wait to buy little girl dresses and cute boy clothes!! Our family was thrilled. It was perfect!
October started off incredible. Our babies were growing and doing amazing! I got promoted at work, which was completely unexpected. Then, early in October, Dusty was offered a job. We were thrilled. Life was back on track, thank God. Everything was going to be great.
Then...October 20th came. We met our sweet babies that day. Months early. Two months shy of my Christmas Day goal. October 21st, sweet Paisley went to Heaven. Hours later, October 22nd, strong Chandler followed. Our world has been so dark since then.
I can't even tell you what has happened since October. Dusty and I have fought to keep our faith; to trust God has a plan. We've cried countless tears. We've died inside. We've struggled to find hope. But, we've been lifted up by family and friends. We've met amazing, Godly people that I know have been introduced to us for a very specific reason. We've found a deeper relationship with God. Somehow, we've managed to continue to breathe.
As my SIL posted on Facebook today, this year has been bittersweet. The bitter has been much stronger than the sweet, but I'm so glad to have met and held me & Dusty's beautiful babies. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world, although I'd give up everything to have our babies here, instead of waiting for us in Heaven. In chatting with a friend who also lost her baby in October, we talked about how we feel like turning the page and starting another year is leaving our babies behind, but it isn't. Nothing will ever cause us to leave our babies behind. Instead, we're just moving one day closer to seeing our babies again.
Not any different than I've ended each year since 2012, I am hoping next year brings us happiness.
Praying for hope and peace for you in the new year.
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