God-things...and I may be a crazy lady....

You know those times when you think about a certain person you haven't talked to for years, and then you run into that person out of the blue?  Or when somebody brings up a subject matter you've been meaning to ask them about, but kept putting off?  If you're like me, you probably say or think to yourself, what a coincidence! 

But...is it really?  What about the times when it isn't "just a coincidence"? 

When times are dark, and you feel God has abandoned you, you have to look for him, wherever he may show himself to you.  Let me tell you, times don't get any darker than when you've delivered your children into this world and you leave the hospital without them.  It doesn't get any darker than when you've just made the decision to hold your children in your arms as they take their last tiny little breath, and their little hearts beat their last beats.  That, that is the absolute darkest.  I can say, I have been to hell and back. 

With that being said, I have found myself seeing God's work where I probably wouldn't have noticed it, or looked for it, before.  I've had so many "God-things" happen that I am sure I can't even remember all of them.  Some have been more powerful than others.  Some couldn't be more obvious.  Some, I don't think I can even do justice by explaining here, but I'm still going to try, because I don't want to forget them.

First, there has been the love of God displayed through the Godly people that Dusty and I are surrounded by.  We had so many family members & friends visit and bring us food while we were there.  April was there by my side the entire time.  Eric and April helped take care of things at our house.  My aunt and uncle got my mom there as soon as possible the day the babies were born.  Eric and April took care of getting mom back and forth, even at 2:00 am when sweet Chandler was passing away.  We had countless people from across the states posting about our sweet babies, asking for prayers for them.  The network of people that have prayed for us and our babies is absolutely overwhelming. 

Then, after we were home, friends continued to bring us meals.  Once our friends ended bringing meals to us, a sweet family in our neighborhood organized dinners for us, from other amazing families in our neighborhood.  Most of which, we hadn't even met.  Given that we don't have children, we've not really met people in our neighborhood.  We don't go to the pool (mostly because we go to Eric and April's) and we don't join the movie night, which is where we'd likely meet a lot of neighbors.  But, nonetheless, the most Godly family reached out to us, and asked if they could arrange for neighbors to bring us meals.  This was such a blessing and so incredibly thoughtful.  We've met and become friends with so many neighbors.  Although I absolutely hate the reason why, I am so grateful for meeting them and the friendships we've developed.  Through this, I've told our story, learned of others' struggles with child loss and infertility, and become friends with amazing neighbors that have reached out to us, sat with us at church, and prayed for us.  Growing up, this type of thing happened in my tiny hometown, but was something I had always thought I'd miss when moving to a larger town.  It was incredible to see how great the people are in our neighborhood!

Through this, I met a women in our neighborhood whose daughter passed away a few years ago from anencephaly.  Her precious daughter lived around 30 hours.  Neighbors had told us earlier in the week about her daughter, and I was looking forward to meeting her.  On her night to bring us a meal, she had to drop it off before my husband and I were home.  We came home to find it on our doorstep.  In the basket, she also included a card telling a little bit of her family's loss, and two books, Have Heart and Heaven is for Real.  I found her on facebook and messaged her, thanking her for the meal.  We messaged back and forth, and exchanged phone numbers. 

{This next part is where the crazy lady in me (see title) comes to light in this story}

The next morning, Dusty left for Charlotte for an overnight business trip.  This would be my first night home alone since losing the babies.  Let me tell you, I turned into a certifiable crazy lady that morning that Dusty left for the airport.  I think I had my first ever anxiety attack.  I suddenly had this overwhelming fear our house would burn down and we'd lose our babies' ashes, and the other tangible memories we have of our babies.  So...doing what any crazy lady would do, I may or may not have taken a cute little giftbox which my sweet friend Sarah had given us ornaments in a few days before, and replaced the ornaments with our babies ashes...and their teddy bears...and their ultrasound pictures...and their petri dish.  Then said to myself, I am crazy, but that didn't stop me.  I then decided I couldn't just take the white box to work with me.  It needed a ribbon tied around it, of course...so, I took the ribbon off of a bouquet of flowers and tied it in a pretty bow around the box, and decided if anyone asked, I'd just say it was a gift I had received.  Nobody needed to know I was carrying around my children's ashes for fear of my house burning down.  Right???  Told you, certifiable...

Well, about lunch time that day, I was still incredibly anxious.  I then get a text from our neighbor, who brought us dinner the night before and at this point, I still hadn't met, only messaged on facebook.  Her text told me that when she was praying for me that morning, a certain verse came to her mind, which was Philippians 4:5-7, which says, The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Seriously?  The day I have my first ever anxiety attack, she sends me a verse about anxiety?  How incredible was that?  I just couldn't believe it when I read that text.

I ended up telling my neighbor how much her text meant to me and how I was very anxious because of my husband being out of town.  She invited me to stop by her house that evening.  I ran home from work and grabbed her dishes and ran over to her house.  It was so nice to sit and talk with her.  I showed her a couple of Paisley's pictures and told her we were waiting on Chandler's, and Chandler and Paisley's together to get back from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) photographer.  She asked me if the photographer was a woman named Lisa, which is wasn't. but little did I know I'd soon meet this photographer. 

So, speaking of NILMDTS, several weeks had passed and we still didn't have Chandler's & Chandler and Paisley's pictures back.  Different photographers took their pictures, and the photographer that took Paisley's sent them back to us the next day.  The photographer that took Chandler's and theirs together said his pictures were still being retouched the first time I checked in with him.  I was worried that Paisley's pictures weren't going to be the same quality as Chandler's and theirs together because we got Paisley's back so quickly.  Well, at the 4 week mark, I checked in with him again, and found out then that he thought he'd sent them to the retoucher, but hadn't.  He then told me that another photographer would be contacting me regarding Paisley's pictures.  Shortly after I got that message, I got a call from the other photographer, and it was Lisa that my neighbor had mentioned.  She told me she now had Chandler's pictures, and the pictures of them together, and asked that I send her Paisley's and said if there was more she could to in touching them up, she would. 

Later that same evening, I got a text from Lisa saying that she knew our story and name sounded familiar, and she had got a text from her friend asking her to pray for our babies the day they were born.  It turns out, her friend that texted her was the same neighbor that I had visited with a few nights before!  How incredible is it that so many people were praying for our babies?  People we hadn't even met at the time, and so many that we still haven't, and so many that I'm sure I don't even know of!

Several very Godly friends have also told us they truly believe God has a plan for us to have children here.  I truly believe God has given them these words and compelled them to express this to us right now in our time of need, so that we remember that and focus on that when things seem so dark and hopeless.  Somewhat related to that, the doctor told me he hoped he didn't need to do a c-section because I may lose my uterus if he did.  I think the fact that he didn't have to do a c-section shows that God has a plan.  I will need my uterus. 

I have a really close friend (Sarah that I mentioned above) who has been texting and checking in on me on a very regular basis.  She shared with me an excerpt from her devotional she is currently reading.  The devotional for that day was about Elizabeth and Zacharias and how after decades of being barren, Elizabeth conceived her son, when it seemed impossible.  That same week, in another book I'm reading, that day's lesson was about God doing the impossible for us, and also spoke of Elizabeth and Zacharias.  The following Sunday, at the service we attended, the preacher preached about how God can do the impossible, and also spoke of Elizabeth and Zacharias.  Three times in one week, Elizabeth and Zacharias' story was delivered to me.  I'm going to pray God wasn't telling me it'll be decades before we have children here, and instead, focus on how God can do the impossible, and often times, Dusty and I having children and being happy seems pretty impossible to me.

Another God-thing which involves Sarah again - She and I went to lunch recently, and I was expressing to her my fear of not having children here, how I was so scared that maybe it isn't in God's plan for Dusty and I to have children here.  She was brutally honest with me and called me on the fact that I just wasn't trusting God.  I wasn't letting go of control and believing in His plan for us.  I knew I was struggling with that, but just hadn't come face-to-face with it until she said that to me while we were eating lunch together the Friday before last.  Well, I've never had God scream at me any louder than he did the following Sunday.  At church that very Sunday, my preacher preached about how we must trust God through difficult and trying times.  I mean, really?  Was that not God just screaming at me or what?  It couldn't have been more obvious!  I felt compelled to go to the altar and pray during invitation.  The preacher asked his wife to come and pray with me, as did another friend I've gone to church with my entire life.  The preacher then asked my husband to come up front, and prayed with Dusty while I prayed at the altar.  For several days after that, I can't even describe the peace that I felt.  Unfortunately, doubt and fear can easily sink back in and take a hold of me, and since then, the peace I felt has somewhat waned, but it is something I try to remember.

Although it is still a challenge to trust God's plan, I have to focus on trusting God, and remember all of these God-things, as hard as it is at times.