October 20, 2014 ~ Part 1

As I sit here, I know what I am writing this post about.  I want to tell our babies' birth story.  I don't know if I can.  As I type this, I feel sick to my stomach.  I am fighting the tears.  I want to shut my laptop lid and not think about this, and maybe somehow, someway, it will make it not real.

But...I can't.  No matter how many times I've pray and asked God to please rewind back to a few days before I gave birth to our children, pleading with Him, telling him that only He and I need to know, it isn't going to happen.  Nothing is going to change the fact that we lost our babies.  They aren't coming back. 

So, no matter how painful it is, I want to document their birth.  Their birth story should have happened in December, at the earliest, and should have been the happiest day of mine and my husband's life.  Instead, the day we became mom & dad was a day filled with heartbreak, anxiety and fear. 

I'll start by saying, a few days before the 20th, I began noticing what I thought was the babies moving for the first time.  In fact, I even did a post about it, that I was waiting to publish.  That post will never be published now.  I thought the babies were pushing out on my tummy.  I would get bumps, or hard lumps, where our babies had been at their previous ultrasound.  I joked to Dust that they were pushing out on me and saying, Hey mommy, we need more room!  I now know those were contractions. 

Also in the days before the 20th, I began noticing a little more discharge.  I'd had discharge the entire pregnancy, and honestly, couldn't tell if it really was increasing or not.  I was also worried I was maybe leaking a little urine too...I just thought that may happen a little with pregnancy, and given my belly being so big, I thought maybe that was happening. 

I started noticing my back and hips started to hurt a little as well, but figured with my belly the size it was, and carrying twins, this was nothing unusual.  My mom and I even had a conversation about it. 

Well, the weekend before the babies were born, Dusty and I worked on covering their dresser drawers with fabric that would match the fabric that was to be used to make their crib bedding.  I also made thank you cards and wrote out thank yous for my coworkers, as they'd thrown my work shower earlier that month.  I designed the thank you cards myself, to be gray chevron, with pink and blue carriages, and their names included as well.  It took me hours to line up the design so it printed perfectly on the thank you cards.  I joked to Dust that if anyone ever said I had no patience, I would talk about this day, when I worked on our babies' thank you cards for hours. 

Throughout the weekend, I remember feeling uneasy, but not so much so that I just laid around.  I do remember though, that I told Dusty I was really glad I had an appointment the next day because if I didn't, I would probably go in to ask about the discharge and the bumps, which I was convinced was movement.  In fact, we were so convinced, I would lift my shirt and show Dusty, and Dusty would kiss and touch the bump and tell Chandler and Paisley to be easy on me.  Oh how that memory hurts me so much now.

This is all I can post for now...this is just so hard.