Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Frozen Embryo Transfer Process (FET Process) - Timeline

Even though our frozen embryo transfer wasn't successful, I figured I would still blog about it, and hopefully this will help somebody else who is going through the same thing. 

My timeline went like this:
  • Surgery on February 24th to remove placenta
  • After surgery, biopsy showed endomitritis, antibiotics started for 2 weeks
  • Meanwhile, during this time, had heavy period following surgery
  • Endometrial biopsy on March 16 to make sure infection was gone
  • Received results of biopsy on March 26, negative, infection was gone, stopped birth control pills and waited for period to start, was told it should start within 10 days
  • Had very slight spotting weekend following biopsy results (28th and 31st)
  • After not starting full period within 11 days of stopping BCP, I called nurse and she said that she thought the spotting I had at the end of March was my period because I was "scraped out" after surgery...didn't really make sense given the full period I had after surgery
  • Waited for next period, which started April 23rd
  • April 23rd - CD1 - started estrogen patch, Vivelle Dot 1 patch
  • April 26th - CD4 - increased to 2 estrogen patches
  • April 29th - CD7 - increased to 3 patches
  • May 2nd - CD10- increased to 4 patches
  • May 5th - CD13 - stayed at 4 patches
  • May 6th - CD14 - labs & follicular u/s, lab results were good & lining was at 11.5
  • May 7th - CD15 - decreased to 2 patches, started doxycycline 100mg, medrol 16mg and crinone 8%, continue those meds until transfer
  • May 10th - CD18 - stayed at 2 patches
  • May 12th - CD20 - embryo transfer, continue crinone through pregnancy tests
  • May 13th - CD21 - stayed at 2 patches
  • May 16th - CD24 - stayed at 2 patches
  • May 19th - CD27 - stayed at 2 patches
  • May 21st - CD29 - first pregnancy test, results low, hcg level 35
  • May 22nd - CD30 - stayed at 2 patches
  • May 23rd - CD31 - repeat lab results, we are cautiosly optimitic as hcg level doubled, repeat labs scheduled for Wednesday, May 27
  • May 25th - CD33 - stayed on 2 patches
  • May 27th - CD35 - lab results showed hcg level dropped to 62, chemical pregnancy
I will do a follow up post about the actual transfer, but wanted to get the timeline down first. 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Guest Post - Dusty's Perspective

I offered my blog as a vent space for my hubby, and he recently took me up on it.  When the time was right, I knew he would.  Below is Dusty's post. 

I’ll apologize in advance, because there probably will not be any flow whatsoever to this post.  It’s merely my thoughts. 

Where do I begin? 
The day I’ve been dreading for weeks is coming Sunday.  I feel like lately I can’t turn on the television/radio or walk into a store without seeing and hearing about Father’s Day.  I’ve been a KLRC (Christian music) fan for years, listened to it all the time, then got away from it for a while.  Since last October, my truck radio has been on nothing but KLRC, because I’ve felt like I needed it.  Recently though I’ve found myself getting frustrated and flipping channels a lot, because I just cannot listen to any talk or mention of Father’s Day.  I was listening to a local sports talk show on my way home yesterday thinking that might be safe, and wouldn’t you know there was a mention of one of the station interns becoming a new uncle.  To me, all I heard was yet another baby born that wasn’t mine.  It’s everywhere.  As Michelle has mentioned in previous posts, we’ve hated Father’s Day since losing her Dad on that day in June of 2010 and my Dad in July of 2012.  So, Sunday will come and go.  I’ll make it through one way or another.

Of course now, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day will never be the same for us, even if we are blessed enough to have children here to raise.  Chandler & Paisley were our whole world and always will be.  There is nothing we want more, than for them to have brothers and sisters to watch over and meet someday.  I pray we do…Michelle deserves it more than anything.  She is a great Mother to our angels and she deserves to be a Mother to rainbow babies.  I really hope and pray to see Michelle with a baby bump again.  She’s a very gorgeous woman, but with a baby bump…are you kidding me??  I can’t even describe it.  The first time I saw her with a maternity dress on, I don’t believe I smiled that much on our wedding day!  Told ya, my thoughts. 
Every single day is a struggle.  Sometimes I wonder why either one of us are still on social media.  Thankfully, amidst all of the baby pictures, happy & joyful families, baby bump pictures, pregnancy announcements, on & on, Michelle has friends going through the same thing that she’s met through loss support groups, and I have friends who check on us.  If it weren’t for that, those accounts would be long gone.  A simple trip to the store can hurt; by the time you pass a large happy family, notice a pregnant woman, see baby items even though you purposely avoid that section of the store, etc.  Who are we to judge and ask why, but we are all guilty.  In this case, it’s easy to do when you stand in the checkout line behind a parent with a child and the parent seems absolutely miserable, like it is a chore to be a parent.  My first thought when that happened was why, why if being a parent is such a dang chore, how are you one and a pathetic excuse for one at that.  You don’t deserve to be.  Or a family with 4 or 5 children that you know has no means to support them.  Why did you get to have children here and Michelle and I haven’t been able to yet?  So many people take their children for granted and it blows my mind.  They’re in their own world and nothing else matters.  I see/hear folks griping about their children and my first thought is always, shut up and be glad you have children here.  Michelle and I have said virtually every day since October, how much we would love to be absolutely exhausted from no sleep, but it would be just fine because we would have our Chandler & Paisley in the nursery.

Before we lost Chandler & Paisley, someone would ask how I was doing and I would say good.  Now, I always say I’m ok or hanging in there.  People will often look at me perplexed and sometimes even ask, “You’re just ok.”  I’ll reply with, well, I’m ok considering…like you have to remind people.  No, I’m not “good” anymore and I never will be “good” anymore.  That implies everything is great, all is well, and life is great.  People are very quick to forget, like we are just supposed to get over it.  It amazes me.  We lost our children, period.  Our lives are forever changed.  People just don’t get it. 

I think about Chandler & Paisley constantly and miss them badly, Michelle and I both do.  People thought it was crazy that we were so excited, not scared to have two at the same time.  We were overjoyed and couldn’t wait.  We were so happy.  It doesn’t matter what we are doing, we talk about how it would’ve been with them.  We went to Omaha with our good friends Chris & Mel to watch the Hogs in the College World Series last weekend.  More than once while we were there, we said to each other, we shouldn’t have been able to go because we were home with the babies.  When we got in the truck to head home Sunday night we said, while we had a great time in Omaha, we shouldn’t have been able to go.  We were so happy to be pregnant with twins.  We couldn’t wait to do everything with them, take them to church and show them off, lay on the floor with them, push them in the stroller while we were walking our crazy dogs, make them beach bums like us, take them to baseball games, I could go on forever.  Now, all we can do is keep their memory alive, pray for children to raise here, and look forward to the day we are all together again.  What a glorious day that will be indeed.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Constant Reminders

Scrolling through my facebook feed, all the beautiful, smiling families

Livingsocial email for a family portrait session

Faith and family night at the ball park

Mother’s Day

Father’s Day

Instagram filled with babies, ultrasound pictures and bellies

Birth announcements, pregnancy announcements, and even graduation announcements

Baby shower invitations

“Baby on Board” window sign

A father and son playing catch in their front yard

A family getting dressed up for Sunday morning church

First and last day of school pictures

A pregnant woman in line at the grocery store, dinner, mall, everywhere

A beautiful family walking with their dogs and pushing their stroller

Niece’s and nephew’s birthdays

A facebook post about beautiful son or daughter

A friend’s newborn baby, or pregnant belly, or toddler

A child’s laugh…a child’s cry…a child…

Every single thing and more feel like a punch in the gut every time I see or hear any of them.  The pain inside me grows every single day.  I beg God to give Dusty and I children here to raise.  Every single day, I feel further and further from that ever happening.  If it doesn't, I don't want to be here.  It hurts too much.  Every day life just hurts too much. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Father's Day

Five years ago on Father’s Day, we said goodbye to my dad, while holding his hand, after a hard-fought fight against staph infection, among many other health issues.  Until last year, we had hated Father’s Day ever since. 

Last year, in the time leading up to Father’s Day, I learned that I was pregnant, and I was able to wrap up 3 pregnancy tests and give them to Dusty, along with his very first Father’s Day card.  Father’s Day was finally a happy day again!  Dusty was going to be a dad!
In fact, it was a year ago today that I drove home from a meeting in Little Rock, and on the way home, felt sick and was very tired, and decided maybe I should stop a get a test and maybe I would see two lines.  Timehop popped up today and I saw the picture I took of those two beautiful lines. 

I can remember the excitement and joy I felt when it seems like almost instantly, that 2nd line appeared on my test.  I couldn’t wait to tell Dusty, but I wanted to make sure the test darkened, so I took another test the next morning, and then another the next afternoon, just for good measure, and those three tests were wrapped up and given to my husband on June 11, 2014. 

It was at that moment that Father’s Day became something special again.  We had a reason to celebrate that holiday.  The joy of our future children could finally take away the pain of our hospital room experience from four years earlier where we said goodbye to my father at 4:20 in the afternoon on Father’s Day. 
Now…now Father’s Day hurts more than I ever imagined it could.  I know how much Mother’s Day hurt.  I barely made it through it. 

I’ve noticed Dusty being a little less positive and a little more sad lately, and wasn’t sure what was bringing him down exactly, knowing it could be a combination of several things.  Until yesterday afternoon.  Yesterday afternoon, my sweet husband texted me and told me that he’s dreading Father’s Day.  The moment I read that text, my heart broke in two. 
There is nothing I’ve wanted more in the world than to give my husband children to raise here.  We thought we were there.  Our dreams had come true.  Not only were we pregnant, but we were having twins!  Our hearts were whole, our dreams had come true, and our lives felt so fulfilled. 

Until everything we thought would come true vanished in a matter of hours, leaving us with broken hearts and an empty nursery.
My husband is still a daddy, the best daddy in the world!  Father’s Day is still for him.  It is just so very bittersweet.  Instead of our two beautiful babies being here with him to celebrate, they are looking down from Heaven, and spending Father’s Day with my dad and with Dusty’s dad. 

I love you, Chandler and Paisley’s Daddy.