Thursday, August 25, 2016

What is this world coming to?

***warning***this post is going to discuss current violence in the world.  If you don't want to be saddened, disturbed, or angered, please don't read further.
In the past 24 hours, I have seen three absolutely horrific stories.  Three things that have made me absolutely sick.  Three things that have caused me to stop and pray, and fight tears, and honestly, to beg the Lord to please come back.

The first, a mother was pulled over for drunk driving, and the trooper noticed her child in the backseat, covered in vomit and sitting in a dirty diaper.  Thank God that trouper took the baby, and bathed the baby, and the baby is now in the care of child protective services.  

The second, a stupid, awful, mean grown man asked his girlfriend's 2 year old son to put up his fists and then proceeded to punch him in the chest so hard, the poor, sweet child flew into a wall, his liver ruptured, and he died from internal injuries.  What kind of sick, cruel, awful man does this? if that wasn't bad enough, the last story was enough to put me over the edge.  The last story I read today made me stop in my tracks and beg Jesus to come back because this world is awful.  I read a story of a methhead and her boyfriend, who pumped her 10 year old daughter full of meth, then the mother let the boyfriend and friend sexually abuse and violently injure and ultimately murder her daughter.  And shows no remorse for it.  My God.  My God.  My stomach hurts thinking about this again.  

What is this world coming to?  These horrific stories are happening more and more frequently, and each one rocks me to my core.  What is wrong with people?  What will it take for people to change?  Will we ever get back what we once had?  Did we ever not have this type of violence, but now, with the ease of communication of news, we know about it more easily?  I don't have the answer. 

This scares me to death about the world we are exposing our kids to.  It makes me question how terrible it was for us to even bring our children into this terrible world.  It makes me want Jesus to come, so we can be a family in Heaven where these things won't happen.  It terrifies me and makes me so incredibly sad.  

Sunday, August 21, 2016

One Year Ago

One year ago today, Dusty and I got up, and made the drive to Little Rock, knowing we were transferring the last two embryos that we had.  We were filled with hope, but scared at the same time.  

Kanon & Remi's first picture

I shared on my Facebook account today, that one year ago today was the first time I had really handed something over to God.  As you, my readers, know, Kanon & Remi were frozen together, and we had to transfer both.  There was no other option to us.  If we attempted to refreeze one, we were told it likely wouldn't survive thaw again.  That was equal to a death sentence to us, so that wasn't an option.  And we absolutely could not discard one, so again, not an option.  

We prayed for God's will to be done, and for the first time, meant it, 100%.  I remember just being baffled and thinking, I have no idea what to pray for.  How can I be so selfish and pray for both to stick when that very well could end the same way Chandler and Paisley's pregnancy ended, but on the other hand, how do I pray for only one to make it, when that is essentially praying one doesn't make it, and that felt wrong as well.  I remember just praying, know.  Please let your plan unfold here.  
My gear

Boredom had set it...thus a picture of my foot

Dusty, all geared up

Me...not sure why the smart alec look on my face

Here we are, before being taken back to the OR

And I am so thankful for His plan.  I am so thankful we were given Kanon and Remi to be siblings to Chandler and Paisley.  They have been such a blessing.  

Friday, August 19, 2016

My biggest failure

My body failed Chandler & Paisley.  That will always be my biggest failure.  It will always be a guilt I will never be able to let go.  Tomorrow, it will have been 20 months since that awful, terrible day, and the pain and guilt I felt that day is just the same.  Maybe it hurts more today then it did then because the shock and numbness is gone, and I'm left with nothing but the reality of the situation.  

It will never matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault.  It was.  My body could not do what it should have been capable of doing, and as a result, my babies are in Heaven.  My sweet Chandler and Paisley.  They should be here, running around, gorgeous and handsome, sweet as can be, and instead, I can only dream of the day I get to Heaven and get to wrap my arms around them for the first time since October 22, 2014.  

I can't look at Kanon and Remington without thinking of Chandler and Paisley, nor would I want to.   I can't help but wonder what kind of babies Chandler & Paisley would have been.  I can't help but look at Kanon and Remi and wonder what Chandler & Paisley would have looked like at their age.  I can't help but have a heart full of love for all four of my babies at the same time that I hate my body and am filled with guilt over what should have been.

It is incredible to me how I can live in what feels like two separate worlds at the same time.  While I have overwhelming happiness and joy because of Kanon and Remi and healing they have provided, at the same time, my heart is still in pieces over what should have been.  I still long for and miss Chandler and Paisley more than I can even describe.  The pain is still raw and is constantly there.

I miss my babies.  

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Infertility is such a b*tch!

You know what still makes me feel like a punch in my gut?  Infertility.

Let me tell you how infertility still impacts me.  I see a pregnant belly, and I still feel that twinge of jealousy rise up.  I still think how amazing it must be to just, oh, you know, have sex and get pregnant {WHAT???  That happens???}.  I still think how nice it must be to be able to say, we want children now, and poof, it soon happens.  

However; now having Kanon and Remi, it doesn't drag me down and send me into the deep, dark depression that it used to.  I don't avoid pregnant friends like the plague any more.  I don't go home and cry every time there is a new pregnancy announcement.  My 23 year-old nephew and his 20 year-old ex girlfriend are having a baby.  Thank God I have Kanon and Remi now because I know, without a doubt, that if that had happened before having Kanon and Remi, and especially after having Chandler and Paisley, I'm not sure I would have been able to be pulled from the deep dark hole it would have sent me to.  I know that, because I had that thought many times while waiting to get pregnant, knowing it could be any time I'd find out something like that had happened.

But, this isn't the only way it still impacts me.  Not even close.  When you have immersed yourself in the infertile world, you find friends that understand what you've been going through, and you understand what they have walked through and are walking through, and you have an empathy for their pains and struggles more than anyone else can.  You feel the heartbreak along with them.  Their month after month of negative pregnancy tests take you right back to those hundreds of times, in your own bathroom, starring at that stupid test, squinting, begging, pleading, blinking back tears, wishing for that second line to appear...and never seeing it.  

About two weeks ago, I had three friends all in that dreaded two week wait.  Three close friends.  Friends I "know in real life", not just online, because really, if I count all of the amazing women I've met online that can be found by that TTC or Infertility hastag, then there are many more women that I could count in this number.  Three friends, all waiting, all praying, all hoping, to not be let down once again.  And all three ended in heartbreak, yet again.  

One friend transferred her last two of 6 frozen embryos in hopes of provided a sibling for her first child.  Of 6 frozen embryos, the most she got was a very short-lived pregnancy that ended in an early miscarriage.  How?  SIX!  How do six embryos not result in at least one child?  I will never understand, and my heart breaks for her.  She has hung up her dreams of giving her child a sibling, and is trying her best to be ok with that.

Another friend took a huge step in the infertile world, and began the IVF process.  Wrote the big fat check.  Injected herself over and over with the hopes of realizing the dream of becoming a mother.  And just about everything that could went wrong in her cycle, from miscommunication by her nurse when ordering meds (not at all her fault), lost labwork orders, lost ultrasound results, delays, everything.  All of those things could have been overcome and forgiven, had it not been for the final thing that went wrong.  One follicle decided to jump out ahead of the rest, while all the others lagged behind.  Cycle cancelled for IVF.  Her and her husband did decided to try IUI, and I was so hopeful.  It felt like God orchestrated a conversation which led to the IUI, and I hoped and prayed that meant it would lead to pregnancy and she wouldn't have to try again.  In a cruel joke, she originally thought it didn't work, only to figure out it did, but just a little bit.  She had a chemical pregnancy and is fighting to see the silver lining and hold onto hope.

Lastly, my third friend, who has had 2 late first trimester miscarriages, finally got the courage and the strength to try again.  To put her worry aside, and try.  To hand it to God and hope that she would get pregnant and it not end in tears, but, it wasn't her month either.  

All of these things break my heart.  I feel the weight of the burden and I've prayed to God asking that their burden be placed on me, to lighten their load, even just a little.  Please say a prayer for these three friends.  

Infertility is such a b*tch.  

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

One-third of the way to a year...what???

How in the world are my babies one third of their way to their first birthday???  No...isn't happening.  Time seriously needs to STOP.  4 months.  FOUR!  F.O.U.R.  Impossible.  It blows my mind how time flies by.  I dreamed last night that Kanon decided to start walking, and I feel like it will be that time before I know it.

Kanon and Remi just continue to amaze me.  They are social, and loving and so sweet.  We see the both of them progress in various areas, and just love watching them make these steps in their development, although I would much prefer it felt like time was going slower.  I try my very best to live in the moment, as I know I will look back on this time and miss it dearly in just a short while.  That isn't easy to do, but I try to tell myself that each and every day.  

Remington - 

  • You are SO strong!  We can't believe the strength you have!  You love to kick and roll and just amaze us.  We can no longer leave you on your boppy lounger because you've arched your back and kicked yourself over the top of it and that is scary!
  • You LOVE your daddy.  You are a daddy's girl for sure and it melts this momma's heart.  When your daddy walks into the room, you smile and when he leaves the room, your eyes follow him as long as you can see him.  
  • You love the St. Louis Cardinals.  You crack us up.  When a game is on, you are fascinated with it and will sit on your daddy's lap and just watch and watch!
  • You have recently found your tongue and love to stick it out.  It cracks us up.
  • You are still in newborn diapers, but have moved up to 0-3 size outfits.
  • You are taking between 4.5 to 5 ounces per feeding. 

Kanon -
  • I think your Grammie is your favorite person in the world and it is just adorable how your eyes light up and you get the biggest grin on your face when she comes to visit or even when we facetime with her.
  • You have recently learned you can yell, and you love to sit on the couch and very loudly talk for anyone to hear.
  • You love your sister!  You see her and you smile.  I can hardly stand how precious it is.  I hope that love for her never goes away.
  • You have really started reaching out and holding things and reaching for things when on your playmat and it is so cute!
  • You are in size 1 diapers and are in 0-3 month clothing, although the sleepers are starting to get a little snug in length!
  • You are taking between 5 and 6 ounces per feeding.

You both do so well getting ready to go to Aunt Bec's each morning.  We have a routine down and thank goodness for your daddy, or else I don't think I'd ever make it to work on time.  Most mornings, as soon as you see her, your faces light up, and that makes mommy's heart so happy because I know she loves you all so much and it shows that you love her too!  That has made going back to work so much easier.

You also love spending time with Grammie.  She keeps you once a week and you all just love it.  Grammie really couldn't be crazier about you two.  I know she wishes she lived closer so she could see you more, but I absolutely love that she keeps you at least once a week.  

We don't have another doctor's visit until the 15th, so once we go to it, I will do a post with lengths and weights.  I'm so anxious to see how you all are doing.

Again, as I say each and every month, you are mine and your daddy's whole world.  We love you more than we can even express.  Our hearts break thinking about how Chandler and Paisley should be here too, but you precious babies, you saved us.