Last night in our small group, we discussed forgiveness. We discussed how it feels when we are forgiven, how it feels when we forgive others, and how God forgives us, unconditionally, no ifs, ands, or buts attached.
It was a good lesson.
I sat there and cried the entire time. I had no idea why. I was frustrated with myself for crying. I was frustrated with myself for crying and not knowing why I was crying. I finally chalked it up to missing the babies so badly, and it being my daily break down time, after all, I’d made it through most of the day without crying yet. Except for those 15 minutes on the way to work, and the 20 minutes on the way home, and, oh yeah, the 30 minutes in the middle of the day. So, I really had no idea why I was crying.After Dusty and I walked back to our house after small group, it started hitting me why I was crying.
We talked about forgiving others, and we talked about God forgiving us. And although we discussed this some; what about when we can’t forgive ourselves? And even worse, what about when we can’t forgive God?Let’s start with the easy one.
I can’t forgive myself. I carry guilt inside me that sits in my stomach constantly. I feel it, all the time. It presses into my stomach, and down on my shoulders. It is always in the front of my mind, right there with Chandler and Paisley. It hurts, it makes me physically ill. My body failed our babies. I don’t think I will ever let that go. They were perfect. It was my body. My body went into labor. My body kicked them out. How do I ever let that go?I don’t think I’ll ever let that go. No matter how many people tell me it wasn’t my fault. Who’s fault was it?
Was it God’s?
Did God take away my babies? Maybe not. Did God allow my babies to be taken away? Yes. So what’s the difference? I don’t know. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that. Sometimes, I think it’s just a play on words to make it sound like God wouldn’t take away babies. And that is why I am having a hard time not being angry with God, and why I am struggling to forgive him.The bible talks a lot about forgiveness, but I’ve yet to find mention of how we are supposed to forgive God. I guess we’re never supposed to be in this situation, where we personally, feel like there is something we should forgive God for. Where we feel like God wronged us. He did something to us that hurt us, and caused us pain, and made us angry. Maybe we aren't supposed to be in this spot, thinking these thoughts.
But I am. And I don’t know what to do.