I Want to Wake Up
Reality sucks. It really does. It seems like, about once a day, it hits me. Our twins, our children, our babies...are gone. There are no more doctor appointments to go see our babies on the ultrasound monitor. There are no more diapers to buy. No more shopping for coordinating boy and girl outfits. Nothing like that. It's over. My babies are in Heaven. And they aren't coming back.
I don't know when, if ever, it will feel real. I mean, it does, all the time it feels real. And it hurts. But, most days, I just go through the motions and wait for the moment for it to hit me, to slap me in the face, to run me over like a mack truck.
Please don't think I'm living in some delusional state where I think I'm still pregnant. I'm not. I know I'm not. Boy do I know I'm not.
From the moment I was wheeled back into my hospital room (room 38...I'll never forget that) from the operating room, I thought to myself, has any of this happened? Was I ever even pregnant? Was this some cruel joke?
I never felt Chandler and Paisley kick and knew it was them, without a shadow of a doubt. I delivered them, but I didn't see them be delivered. I was laying flat on the operating room table, I couldn't see my babies when I delivered them. They weren't handed to me. They were handed over to an amazing NICU staff that intubated them, and gave them a chance. My belly disappeared, in what seemed like a few hours. All of these things feel like it was all just a dream. Nothing feels real.
I am really struggling right now. It seems like everywhere I turn, I see babies, children, pregnant women...happiness. Everything that feels so out of reach for me.
The house next to us sold recently. We haven't met the family that's moving in, but I dreamed about them. In my dream, I was standing in Chandler and Paisley's nursery, and looked out their window into the neighbor's window. I saw two children, boy and girl twins, running around in the house. Then, their mother came into view, with a huge round, pregnant belly. Even my dreams mock me.
I'm on an audit out of town this week. It's an audit in a hospital. To get from the conference room we are in to the CFO's office, and guess what hallway I have to walk down. The OB hall. I walk past two ultrasound rooms. I walk past the waiting room full of pregnant women. And every single trip, I feel a tremendous pressure on my chest, and the beginnings of an anxiety attack.
Everything hurts right now. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to believe, but it hurts so bad. I don't want to have to do an FET. I don't know why, but right now, I don't want that at all. I just want to be able to get pregnant like nearly every other woman in the world. I don't want to have to have my embryo thawed and transferred into me. Don't get me wrong, I will if I have to, but right now, I don't want to. I don't want to HAVE to do that. I just want to get pregnant on our own.
I want to just be normal.
I hate my reality. I want to wake up. I want this nightmare to end.
I don't know when, if ever, it will feel real. I mean, it does, all the time it feels real. And it hurts. But, most days, I just go through the motions and wait for the moment for it to hit me, to slap me in the face, to run me over like a mack truck.
Please don't think I'm living in some delusional state where I think I'm still pregnant. I'm not. I know I'm not. Boy do I know I'm not.
From the moment I was wheeled back into my hospital room (room 38...I'll never forget that) from the operating room, I thought to myself, has any of this happened? Was I ever even pregnant? Was this some cruel joke?
I never felt Chandler and Paisley kick and knew it was them, without a shadow of a doubt. I delivered them, but I didn't see them be delivered. I was laying flat on the operating room table, I couldn't see my babies when I delivered them. They weren't handed to me. They were handed over to an amazing NICU staff that intubated them, and gave them a chance. My belly disappeared, in what seemed like a few hours. All of these things feel like it was all just a dream. Nothing feels real.
I am really struggling right now. It seems like everywhere I turn, I see babies, children, pregnant women...happiness. Everything that feels so out of reach for me.
The house next to us sold recently. We haven't met the family that's moving in, but I dreamed about them. In my dream, I was standing in Chandler and Paisley's nursery, and looked out their window into the neighbor's window. I saw two children, boy and girl twins, running around in the house. Then, their mother came into view, with a huge round, pregnant belly. Even my dreams mock me.
I'm on an audit out of town this week. It's an audit in a hospital. To get from the conference room we are in to the CFO's office, and guess what hallway I have to walk down. The OB hall. I walk past two ultrasound rooms. I walk past the waiting room full of pregnant women. And every single trip, I feel a tremendous pressure on my chest, and the beginnings of an anxiety attack.
Everything hurts right now. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to believe, but it hurts so bad. I don't want to have to do an FET. I don't know why, but right now, I don't want that at all. I just want to be able to get pregnant like nearly every other woman in the world. I don't want to have to have my embryo thawed and transferred into me. Don't get me wrong, I will if I have to, but right now, I don't want to. I don't want to HAVE to do that. I just want to get pregnant on our own.
I want to just be normal.
I hate my reality. I want to wake up. I want this nightmare to end.
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