Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Even if...I could rewind and change...

You often hear people say if they could go back in time, they wouldn't change a thing, that what they went through made them the person they are today...I don't share that sentiment at all, not one bit.

So many loss parents feel such conflict because they feel their rainbow baby wouldn't be theirs if it weren't for the storm of losing their baby and that creates such an internal conflict.  How do you wish your first child(ren) had never passed away, all while loving the baby(ies) that wouldn't even be here if it weren't for that loss?  

As I've said on here before, I have never felt that way.  Kanon and Remi would still be here.  Maybe they would have been born in 2017 instead of 2016, but in my heart, in my mind, with all I believe, no matter what, they would be here.  

Of course, in my situation, it is different.  Kanon and Remi were conceived and became embryos at the exact same time Chandler and Paisley did.  May 19th, 2014, they, all of my children, were formed, in a petri dish instead of my womb, but still, formed.  Then, Kanon and Remi were placed on a perfect little amazing plastic tube and frozen, until we came back for them, 15 months later.  They were always there, and I believe they were always going to result in a pregnancy.  So, in my case, it is a lot easier to get over the guilt of losing Chandler and Paisley but having my rainbows.

If I could go back and change things, I would, in a heartbeat.  There are so many things I would have done differently that in my mind, would have allowed Chandler and Paisley to be here.  I live with this torment daily.  In my heart, I know that God is in control, and ultimately, whatever was meant to be, was, but in my mind, I still can't get past how I can think of a handful of things that I believe I could have done differently that would have resulted in Dusty and I having two sets of twins here instead of one in Heaven.

Some of those things that I can bring myself to mention would have been insisting on cervical measurements, insisting on seeing an MFM, taking supplements, taking it easier during my pregnancy by resting more at home, among a few other things that I honestly can't type because they hurt me too badly.  The guilt is overpowering.  I'll never be able to get over it.

As I have done many times, once again, a MercyMe song is running through my mind's soundtrack as I type this.  It seems like so many MercyMe songs just really speak to me and my husband.  Several I've never posted about just are so fitting, like Bring the Rain (go listen or read the lyrics...man, that is deep and I can't say I'm there).  This one though, is screaming at me to tag onto the end of this post.  Here are the parts that speak the most to me.


"They say it only takes a little faith
to move a mountain.
Well, good thing
a little faith is all I have right now.
But God, when you choose
to leave mountains unmovable,
give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul...

I know you're able and I know you can
save through the fire with your mighty hand.
But even if you don't
my hope is you alone.
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
would all go away if you'd just say the word.
But even if you don't
My hope is you alone."

Man, those words...even if you don't...I can't tell you the times I prayed and prayed to God for a miracle of bringing Chandler and Paisley back, of moving back in time and undoing all that unfolded October 20, 2014...but God didn't.  And to be honest, Dusty and I still can't get to "it is well"...

Monday, March 20, 2017

E.L.E.V.E.N.

I am completely aware of the fact that we are much closer to a year than 11 months at this point, and that saddens me and makes me frustrated with myself for being so slow to post this update all at the same time.

The babies hit 11 months a couple of weeks ago and I really struggled with that one.  I was out of town on work, and it seems like just a big month, before THE BIG MONTH, you know?  

The babies truly are so much fun.  They are completely mobile (hence the inability to get a good picture of them together, despite trying 2 times), going wherever they want, getting into whatever they want!  They kitchen cabinets are now open to them for whatever they'd like to explore, but they really just stick to a couple of drawers.  All of our food storage containers now sit on the kitchen floor as baby toys, lol!  We really need to put the drawer and door child-proof things on, but our biggest concern is them smashing their little fingers in the drawers and we realized those things won't help that, so...we haven't done it yet.




11 months...here we go...

Remington Ann -
  • You, my girl, are a hoot!  You like to boss and laugh and smile with this wrinkled up nose that everybody loves!
  • You are so quick, moving around everywhere at lightning speed!  Watch out when you decide to walk!
  • You love standing up and pushing things everywhere!  You've moved a dining room chair all the way across the kitchen, and then were angry when you couldn't move the wall!
  • You are so sweet to your brother!  He steals your pacis all the time, and you still love him!  The only time you get angry with him is when he tackles you (which we're working on).
  • You still love your pacis.  I'm not sure when we'll try to break that habit.  Eventually, I guess...
  • You love to blow raspberries and you love to mock us when we say "eh".  You'll change your inflection and when we match yours, you crack up.
  • You are still in 9 month clothing and size 4 diapers.  
  • You love all food!


Kanon Rockford -
  • You still are so sweet, baby boy.  You have such an amazing heart and it shows constantly!
  • You are starting to get this ornery streak, though!  You like to tackle your sister and cousin and they don't appreciate it one bit!
  • You are moving all over very quickly now as well!  You love being able to keep up with your sister!!
  • You like to steal Remi's paci and bite on it for a minute, and then you're done.
  • Wrestling your dad is your absolute favorite thing to do!
  • Your giggle is so infectious!  We love it!
  • You are in 12 month clothing now and size 5 diapers.
  • You aren't as crazy about food as your sister but you do eat everything very well!  Just not as enthusiastic.  

Sweet babies...you have no idea how you light up our world.  We have absolutely no idea where we'd be without you.  We can't believe that in less than 2 weeks from today, you will be 1.  How has this past year gone so quickly?  I feel like I was just pregnant with you both, feeling you kick, enjoying moments of us together, and now, we are back to the daily grind and our lives are so busy that we blinked and an entire year has passed.