So many loss parents feel such conflict because they feel their rainbow baby wouldn't be theirs if it weren't for the storm of losing their baby and that creates such an internal conflict. How do you wish your first child(ren) had never passed away, all while loving the baby(ies) that wouldn't even be here if it weren't for that loss?
As I've said on here before, I have never felt that way. Kanon and Remi would still be here. Maybe they would have been born in 2017 instead of 2016, but in my heart, in my mind, with all I believe, no matter what, they would be here.
Of course, in my situation, it is different. Kanon and Remi were conceived and became embryos at the exact same time Chandler and Paisley did. May 19th, 2014, they, all of my children, were formed, in a petri dish instead of my womb, but still, formed. Then, Kanon and Remi were placed on a perfect little amazing plastic tube and frozen, until we came back for them, 15 months later. They were always there, and I believe they were always going to result in a pregnancy. So, in my case, it is a lot easier to get over the guilt of losing Chandler and Paisley but having my rainbows.
If I could go back and change things, I would, in a heartbeat. There are so many things I would have done differently that in my mind, would have allowed Chandler and Paisley to be here. I live with this torment daily. In my heart, I know that God is in control, and ultimately, whatever was meant to be, was, but in my mind, I still can't get past how I can think of a handful of things that I believe I could have done differently that would have resulted in Dusty and I having two sets of twins here instead of one in Heaven.
Some of those things that I can bring myself to mention would have been insisting on cervical measurements, insisting on seeing an MFM, taking supplements, taking it easier during my pregnancy by resting more at home, among a few other things that I honestly can't type because they hurt me too badly. The guilt is overpowering. I'll never be able to get over it.
As I have done many times, once again, a MercyMe song is running through my mind's soundtrack as I type this. It seems like so many MercyMe songs just really speak to me and my husband. Several I've never posted about just are so fitting, like Bring the Rain (go listen or read the lyrics...man, that is deep and I can't say I'm there). This one though, is screaming at me to tag onto the end of this post. Here are the parts that speak the most to me.
"They say it only takes a little faith
to move a mountain.
Well, good thing
a little faith is all I have right now.
But God, when you choose
to leave mountains unmovable,
give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul...
I know you're able and I know you can
save through the fire with your mighty hand.
But even if you don't
my hope is you alone.
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
would all go away if you'd just say the word.
But even if you don't
My hope is you alone."
Man, those words...even if you don't...I can't tell you the times I prayed and prayed to God for a miracle of bringing Chandler and Paisley back, of moving back in time and undoing all that unfolded October 20, 2014...but God didn't. And to be honest, Dusty and I still can't get to "it is well"...