Sunday, December 31, 2017


Transformation - 

the act or process of transforming.
the state of being transformed.
change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

My word for 2018.  

This is what I want 2018 to be about.  When I look back, 1 year from now, I want to visibly see where I have transformed.  My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health all need to be improved, need changes, need betterment, and this is the year I want to stop thinking about it, stop talking about doing it, and DO IT!

I'm not big on resolutions.  Instead, I'd rather pick a word and make it my theme for the year.

2015 - my word was proactive.  Looking back at 2015, this could not have been a better word.  There were so many areas in my health where I had to take it in my own hands and proactively seek care.  It started off right at the beginning of the year where I had to push for further tests and ask for second opinions on my health problems.  It turned out I had retained placenta and had two doctors misdiagnose me before I reached out to my nurse practitioner who took the right steps to find the problem.  Then in September, when I learned we were expecting twins again, I had to seek out opinions from 4 different high risk obs to find one who would do anything to help me carry my babies as long as possible.  I took my health care into my own hands, and with God's blessings, made my dreams come true with another pregnancy.

2016 - although I never blogged it here, my word was faith.  I entered 2016 at the very point in my pregnancy where I lost Chandler and Paisley.  I'm not sure I ever conveyed how exactly it felt, but I was scared out of my mind.  The anxiety ate me alive up until about 29 weeks.  I tried my best to have faith, and I think I did, just probably not the blind faith that I should have had.  It is too hard when you have had your world taken from you to just step out like that.  However; faith was still my word, and between {figurative} panic attacks, I had a piece that I never would have had without my faith.  That faith carried me through a c-section and a short NICU stay and I can honestly say, I always had faith my babies would be fine.  

2017 - to be honest, I didn't have a word, but looking back, it was survival.  Twin babies.  First busy season after becoming a mom.  Ear infections, coughs, colds.  Yep.  Survival was my word for 2017.  I'm still not sure I did as well as I should have, which leads me to my need to transform.

My need to transform is so overwhelming.  I've been dealing with things silently regarding my mental health that I'm not ready to put into words yet, but it has been a battle I've tried to fight for a while now.  My physical health is...well, the only way to put it is, crap, it's crap.  I lost my baby weight immediately, and dropped down to the lowest weight I had been for years, and then it all gradually came back and I feel so yucky.  Lastly, my spiritual health needs such work.  I've been tired, overworked, braindead at times, and just can't seem to figure out where to make the must-needed time for my spiritual health. I must get back to my daily quiet time.  There is such a void where it was. I move on this journey, I'll post updates and share more.  

Thanks for riding along.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Oh hi there...

Once again, I've found myself away for so long.  

My creative juices, or at least the what little ones I have to write this blog, have seeped away from my body to where I just feel like I have nothing to say.

This blog started as a blog about infertility.  I beat it...or thought I had, and was so excited to blog about Chandler and Paisley.  And then, it turned into a blog about infant loss, preterm birth and grief.  Then it became our journey to get to try again.  After that, my pregnancy, and then the babies' first year.

Since just feels like the road to nowhere.  

I've lost my blog-motivation desire to write is still there, but I want it to be relevant and something people want to read, not just random blah blah blah crap.  

I've had thoughts of blogging about being a working momma because, damn, that is HARD.  I've had thoughts of blogging about our Foundation (what?????  Yes, we have started a Foundation and a post about that in the very near future is a MUST).  Of course, I want to blog about Kanon and Remi, as well.  

So I really don't know where I'm going.  I just don't want it to be a dead-end.  

Stay tuned.  

Monday, November 13, 2017

Mid-Life Blah?

I haven’t blogged for a while.

The truth is, I don’t feel like I have much to say these days.

I’m struggling to get by day to day.  Being a full-time mommy and a full-time working mommy is HARD! 

I think I’m in a rut.  Things are the same, 

I LOVE, more than anything, going home to Kanon and Remi and getting my 1 hour with them.  One…

I see them in the morning when I wake them up to change their diapers and hit the road.  And then by the time I get home in the evening, Dusty and I have one hour to play with them, feed them dinner, bathe them and get them to bed, before eating dinner, watching a little tv and going to bed ourselves, just to get up and do it all over again.

Being a working parent is freaking hard!  I knew it would be, but I didn’t realize just how hard it would be. 

My job is demanding and requires more of me then I think I’m even willing to give at the moment and I’m just lost with what to do.  I used to really enjoy my job.  Now…I’m not sure.  I think I still do and I think I’m just in a rut.

I don’t know why I’m in a rut, though.  I mean, life is pretty good.  We have Kanon and Remi and we are so happy with them. 

We have plans to move forward with a couple of things in our personal life (no, not more IVF), which I will post about soon, so I should be excited about that.  I am, somewhat excited, but I should be more excited, I guess. 

I don’t know, I guess it all just feels blah right now.  Is that what mid-life is?  Blah?  It shouldn’t be, should it?  I hate even saying that because Kanon and Remi make it so much fun and fill our lives with so much joy.  But outside of my one hour a day with them…

Anyway, this is just random babble.  I’ll stop now and try to post something more meaningful soon!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Three Years in Heaven

How has it been three years?  One-thousand ninety-six days. 

I can’t believe it’s been that long since we last held our Chandler and Paisley.  Since they were born, fought hard for a day, and then went to Heaven, hours apart. 

It’s very easy to be quickly transported back to those three days.  I honestly can place myself back there at any given moment.  I don’t know what that says, if anything.  Probably nothing.  I find myself trying to overanalyze everything, yet wanting to think about nothing, all at the same time. 

Grief comes in such waves.  Thursday was a hard day.  A long-time friend found out her granddaughter passed away in-utero at 25 weeks due to a cord accident.  Another friend and his wife are headed on the fast track of divorce and he confided in me on Thursday. 

Those two things happened the day before the Bitties’ third birthday.  I came home from being out of town and the weight of those things, along with the upcoming weekend was just too much and I just lost it.  My heart hurt so much for my friends, and for me, and Dusty, and Kanon and Remi. 

I find myself so envious of moms in my facebook groups who have two sets of twins.  I do too, damnit.  You just can’t see one set because they are in Heaven.

And they SHOULDN’T be!  Why did my body fail?  Why couldn’t my doctors have taken more preventative measures?  Why are twin pregnancies treated like normal pregnancies, until they aren’t?  

I digress and I don’t want to.  This post is for the Bitties.  Three.  My first babies would be three.  Except they shouldn’t yet, but that is a point I’ve labored over enough in previous posts. 

Three years of living with half my heart elsewhere.  Three years of wishing I could visit Heaven (really, about 14 months of wishing I was in Heaven with them). 

We are trying to honor them in every possible way.  I’ll post more on that later. 

But for now, happy birthday, Chandler and Paisley. 

Monday, September 11, 2017


So, here I am, half-way through my thirties.  Half-way to 70 as a friend loves to point out. 


This age holds some significance for me that I can’t help but think about today. 

See, my mom and dad were a lot older when they had me.  My mom struggled with getting pregnant and there are 17 years between my older brother and me, and 10 between the younger of my two brothers and me.  Mom never was on birth control.  That’s just how long it took for her to get pregnant.  She always wanted a girl, and never gave up on that dream.  I came along when mom was 41 and dad was 49.

I loved my life growing up and there are certainly advantages to being born to older parents.  They understand so much about life.  They have lived through so much.  There definitely was no uncertainty that I was loved and they wanted me and wanted to spend time with me without any need to live out any “younger” antics or what-not. 

But I also saw how tired they were.  My parents owned their own business on top of having a farm, and they worked so hard.  My mom is still one of the hardest working people I know.  She never sits down and rests and is always on the go!

With seeing how tired they were, I specifically remember thinking to myself, I want to have all of my children by 35, no later.  I didn’t want to be too tired to enjoy them and travel with them.

So, here I am, at that self-imposed deadline I set years ago, struggling with the desire of wanting more children while loving our little life with our man-to-man coverage. 

Happy birthday to me. 

Friday, August 11, 2017

16 Months Old!

At 1 year, I (obviously) quit posting regular monthly updates on the Toots.  But they are truly at such a fun age right now that I need to do a post just to help me remember what all is going on in their lives and their development right now.

First, and perhaps the biggest, is as of about 3 weeks ago, we are completely off the bottles!  This was probably a little later than most, but we're ok with that!  They were down to bottles only at nap and bedtime since about 13 months, but we decided to make the move to sippy cups only and they never even asked for their bottles!  

Second, they are saying so many more words now!  They say mamma, dadda, grammie, Beck, Pop (their great-grandfather, not the sugary drink), more (Kanon, along with his way of signing it, which is one finger pointing at his opposite palm, Remi still signs it like a pro), dog, splash splash, scrub-a-dub-dub, down, I love you (Remi a few times), my my, bad (haha), hi and hiya,and  bye and buh bye.  

The next thing I want to remember is their love for books right now!  For the past few months, they have really taken to reading.  They love for anyone to sit down with them and read.  Books are their favorite things right now.  The love books that have animals and for me and Dust to make silly noises they can mimic.  

They also are so independent.  At times, in the evening, we'll come home and they will just go to their little play area and sit down and play with their toys.  Although I love seeing it, it also makes me sad at the same time that they are so independent!  

They love animals, especially dogs, and especially Remi.  She just goes crazy for them, even when she sees them on tv or in books.  It is adorable!  

Kanon is really taking to eating with a spoon!  He does a fantastic job eating breakfast at Aunt Beck's every morning and using his spoon for his oatmeal or yogurt.  Remi insists on eating with her hands still, haha!  

They are fabulous eaters!  We really couldn't ask for them to be any better here!  They love fruit and veggies so much!!  Give them blueberries and they will be happy for days!  They love corn on the cob, strawberries, peas and green beans are a favorite too!  They love their oatmeal or malt-o-meal for breakfast, along with fresh fruit.  We've recently introduced them to spaghetti and they are big fans!  Remi has always been a pretty good meat eater, but until recently, Kanon wasn't too crazy about it and would always leave meat on his tray.  He has recently discovered sausage and is a big fan!

Kanon is definitely in this pointing and grunting stage right now.  He's also the first to tell you if something is out of place and not where it should be.  If there is a cord plugged in that is within his reach, he's going to say bad, or grunt and point at it until you move it.  Remi doesn't seem to care too much, but will go mess with whatever it is Kanon is not happy about.  

Remi is still crazy about her wubs!  I'm not sure how that will end, or when it will, but she LOVES them!!  Some nights, we throw 4 of them in her crib to be silly and inevitably, when we go back to check on them, she will be snuggling all of them!  Remi is great about sitting them down when I tell her to.  When we leave in the mornings, I tell her, leave Lucy (or whoever she has) here, and she'll take the wub out of her mouth and set it down (or throw...typically).  

Kanon's has two favorite things to do right now.  Clean and make motor noises.  I've never seen a toddler so good at making motor noises and mimicking how something sounds!!  Maybe he has VP in his future, lol!  We recently rented a carpet shampooer and he was incredible at making the same loud motor noise as the shampooer!  He imitates the dust buster a lot, but it was so funny to hear him get louder and deeper when he was imitating the shampooer!  Notice both of those things tie into his other favorite, cleaning!  He LOVES it!  Oh my goodness, give him a broom and he is happy!  He'll wipe the floor with paper towels and sweep!  It's darling!

Although both love reading, it is clearly Remi's favorite thing!  She loves all books and will beg us to sit down and read with her.  She likes touch and feel books and books with animals.  She will read them to herself and "talk" out-loud.  She also loves to run.  She's in the phase where she hardly walks anywhere and wants to run everywhere!  She's hilarious!  
They also are doing great at sleeping (knock on wood) and going to bed!  Since taking the bottles away, they have been doing so well at sleeping!  They will have dinner, then bath time, and after bath time, we'll do sippy cups with milk, although they hardly drink any, then we brush their teeth (oh, that's another thing, Kanon has 16 teeth and Remi has 14!!!), and they go to bed!  They usually fall asleep within 15 minutes of being in bed, with just laying there watching their "tvs" most nights, and have been sleeping all night, thank goodness!  

We love them so much and they are absolute dolls and we truly couldn't ask for better babies!!  We're so thankful for them!  

Monday, July 24, 2017

What if there were more?

I won't do IVF again.  Not because it is too hard, or too expensive, or too anything, except the sheer possibility that I would end up with too many embryos, and I just can't do anything except give those sweet embryos a chance at life if they are created.  And I can't say I would be willing to transfer 5 more if say, we had similar results to the first time.  Especially given every one of mine took, even if one ended in an early miscarriage.    

But are Dusty and I done having children?  

I truly don't know.  

I'm not on birth control.  And, I'm sorry - TMI here, but our sex life is finally back to normal after years of my body being pumped full of artificial hormones and thrown all out of wack and it directly impacting that.  So...if it happens, it happens, and we'll be happy with that.  As Dr. H said at my annual, we'd be happy, so, why go on birth control.  BC is really the last thing I want.  I finally feel like me!  It's an amazing feeling.  

So...what would more mean?  

In this weird, crazy way, I really would only want twins again.  (I know...lock me up)  But, that's all we've known.  And I feel like a "singleton" (isn't it funny how twin mommies, both to angel babies and earthly babies, refer to single baby pregnancies as "singletons".  I mean, who else does that?!?) would be lonely, or would miss out, or wouldn't feel as special, or would just be too "plain".  

But, I have absolutely no idea what my chances of conceiving again are, let alone having "spontaneous" twins.  (Spontaneous - the acceptable term for twins not a result of fertility treatments).  We never figured out why I couldn't get pregnant, and you hear stories of it happening all the time, right?  So why not me?

But then all of these crazy thoughts pop into my head.  Would it seem like we were just trying to replace Chandler and Paisley?  Absolutely not!  But sometimes I worry that.  Am I just so damn jealous of normal pregnancies and normal breastfeeding and normal this or that that I'm willing to have another pregnancy just to be hope to be "normal"?  (Breastfeeding - I shall say now, I pumped for a year, the babies got breastmilk for a year, but our nursing relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be.  I've started a post about it, I just need to finish it)  

What about work?  Would it sink my career if I took another maternity leave?  Would it be accepted?  There are other women at my level who have had multiple pregnancies and multiple leaves, so why not me?  

What about my infertile friends?  That wouldn't be fair, for me to get pregnant naturally when there are so many fighting so hard for one chance at a living baby.  

What about Kanon and Remi and our perfect little life that we have right now, right in this moment.  They are our whole world.  They are the joy that brings smiles to our faces and light up our eyes.  Why change that?  

We shall see where this road goes.  It may be a dead end.  It may just be a pipe dream.  I just don't know. 

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

First Birthday Party!

So…here I am, 3 ½ months late posting about the babies first birthday party!  I know.  I am terrible!

I started getting ideas in my head for their birthday party around 6 months, but pushed those thoughts aside because it was just too early to be thinking about these things.  My babies were not going to grow up that quickly and if I didn’t think about it, surely it wouldn’t happen, right?!?! 

I wanted a rainbow themed birthday party for these sweet rainbow babies.  The invites said “Somewhere Over the Rainbow…Dreams Really Do Come True” because these sweethearts really are mine and Dusty’s dreams come true.  We had our March for Babies the morning of their birthday party and then friends and family gathered at a local park to celebrate Kanon and Remington turning 1! 

Remi absolutely loved the cake.  She dug right in, and then smashed it with her hands, lol!  She loved it all, until she had her hands covered with icing and decided to rub her eyes!  Kanon was a little more hesitant but then he dug in and thought it was yummy too! 
We also brought their walkers and let them stroll around before the party really got started and they loved going around and visiting everyone.

We had rainbow balloons and each tablecloth was a different color of the rainbow.  We also bought red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple jelly beans with rainbow bags for everyone to make their own rainbows as a party favor. 

All and all, I was so happy with how their party turned out!

Here are a few pictures from the day.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Where have I been???

I haven't posted an update in sooooo long and I am so sorry!  I've just been so busy all the time, it seems, but I must get back to posting and documenting our sweet babies!

I'll make this quick for now, and then I'll come back very soon and post all about their first birthday and their first birthday party.

The babies are doing amazing!  They are getting so big.  I look at them now and I realize they aren't babies anymore and toddlers is really what they are, but, they will always be my babies.  

They are walking everywhere!  Kanon took off walking first and I'm so proud of him!  Remi didn't sit around and wait too long, and the next day, she decided she could give it a go too.  They walked just shy of 13 months.  You could just tell they were so proud of themselves and thought they were so big!  It was precious.

They jabber a lot now!  Their favorite word is definitely "Dada".  I get an occasional "Mama", but not much.  They also say dog, down, ball, and Kanon, splash splash.  I swear Remi also said "I love you" yesterday and it was adorable.  

They've started playing together in their cribs on the weekends when Dust and I put them in there for naps or when each day when they wake up if they both wake up at the same time.  It absolutely melts my heart to see them playing together, giggling with each other.  Beyond adorable!!

They love playing ball!  They will sit in the kitchen and throw the ball back and forth and chase it around and they are both very coordinated with it!  

Kanon is incredible at making motor noises!!  He thinks everything has an engine, including pancake pieces!  

Remi loves to put the lids on bottles!

Both love to take little hollow toys, cups, and such, and "talk" into them.  Daddy taught them that trick and it is so cute!

They are both so smart (I know, I am bias).  I love watching them figure things out.  It is just amazing to watch them learn.

Well, this is my quick update for now!  I will get back to posting soon.  I have several things that I've wanted to post about for so long and I need to get them done before I forget!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

We blinked.....

And our babies turned 1.  

I'm not sure how it happened.  

I'm not sure where months 2-11 went.  

I remember the NICU days.  Those long, long days.  

I remember firsts...smiles, giggles, crawling, food, teeth...

But I still am at a loss as to where this past year went.

I don't know how it happened.  I tried my best to take in every single minute, every second, all of every single day.  I truly did.  I tried to stop, and take deep breaths, and know I would never get that moment back.  And I still feel like I failed.  I still feel like I missed so much, have forgotten so much, will never get back so much.

My babies are growing.  They are getting so big, and my heart is beating with excitement and pulsing with love, all while breaking at the same time, begging time to slow down, to let Dusty and I have this time longer, to let us breath in the moments deeper, to help us experience this time better.  

It's a losing battle.  The days go faster and faster.  My babies are growing, learning, exploring, becoming toddlers at such a rapid pace that I can't keep up.  

I long for time to stand still, just for a bit.  Let me catch my breath.  Let me hold onto my babies before they are out of my reach.  

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Even if...I could rewind and change...

You often hear people say if they could go back in time, they wouldn't change a thing, that what they went through made them the person they are today...I don't share that sentiment at all, not one bit.

So many loss parents feel such conflict because they feel their rainbow baby wouldn't be theirs if it weren't for the storm of losing their baby and that creates such an internal conflict.  How do you wish your first child(ren) had never passed away, all while loving the baby(ies) that wouldn't even be here if it weren't for that loss?  

As I've said on here before, I have never felt that way.  Kanon and Remi would still be here.  Maybe they would have been born in 2017 instead of 2016, but in my heart, in my mind, with all I believe, no matter what, they would be here.  

Of course, in my situation, it is different.  Kanon and Remi were conceived and became embryos at the exact same time Chandler and Paisley did.  May 19th, 2014, they, all of my children, were formed, in a petri dish instead of my womb, but still, formed.  Then, Kanon and Remi were placed on a perfect little amazing plastic tube and frozen, until we came back for them, 15 months later.  They were always there, and I believe they were always going to result in a pregnancy.  So, in my case, it is a lot easier to get over the guilt of losing Chandler and Paisley but having my rainbows.

If I could go back and change things, I would, in a heartbeat.  There are so many things I would have done differently that in my mind, would have allowed Chandler and Paisley to be here.  I live with this torment daily.  In my heart, I know that God is in control, and ultimately, whatever was meant to be, was, but in my mind, I still can't get past how I can think of a handful of things that I believe I could have done differently that would have resulted in Dusty and I having two sets of twins here instead of one in Heaven.

Some of those things that I can bring myself to mention would have been insisting on cervical measurements, insisting on seeing an MFM, taking supplements, taking it easier during my pregnancy by resting more at home, among a few other things that I honestly can't type because they hurt me too badly.  The guilt is overpowering.  I'll never be able to get over it.

As I have done many times, once again, a MercyMe song is running through my mind's soundtrack as I type this.  It seems like so many MercyMe songs just really speak to me and my husband.  Several I've never posted about just are so fitting, like Bring the Rain (go listen or read the, that is deep and I can't say I'm there).  This one though, is screaming at me to tag onto the end of this post.  Here are the parts that speak the most to me.

"They say it only takes a little faith
to move a mountain.
Well, good thing
a little faith is all I have right now.
But God, when you choose
to leave mountains unmovable,
give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul...

I know you're able and I know you can
save through the fire with your mighty hand.
But even if you don't
my hope is you alone.
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
would all go away if you'd just say the word.
But even if you don't
My hope is you alone."

Man, those words...even if you don't...I can't tell you the times I prayed and prayed to God for a miracle of bringing Chandler and Paisley back, of moving back in time and undoing all that unfolded October 20, 2014...but God didn't.  And to be honest, Dusty and I still can't get to "it is well"...

Monday, March 20, 2017


I am completely aware of the fact that we are much closer to a year than 11 months at this point, and that saddens me and makes me frustrated with myself for being so slow to post this update all at the same time.

The babies hit 11 months a couple of weeks ago and I really struggled with that one.  I was out of town on work, and it seems like just a big month, before THE BIG MONTH, you know?  

The babies truly are so much fun.  They are completely mobile (hence the inability to get a good picture of them together, despite trying 2 times), going wherever they want, getting into whatever they want!  They kitchen cabinets are now open to them for whatever they'd like to explore, but they really just stick to a couple of drawers.  All of our food storage containers now sit on the kitchen floor as baby toys, lol!  We really need to put the drawer and door child-proof things on, but our biggest concern is them smashing their little fingers in the drawers and we realized those things won't help that, so...we haven't done it yet.

11 we go...

Remington Ann -
  • You, my girl, are a hoot!  You like to boss and laugh and smile with this wrinkled up nose that everybody loves!
  • You are so quick, moving around everywhere at lightning speed!  Watch out when you decide to walk!
  • You love standing up and pushing things everywhere!  You've moved a dining room chair all the way across the kitchen, and then were angry when you couldn't move the wall!
  • You are so sweet to your brother!  He steals your pacis all the time, and you still love him!  The only time you get angry with him is when he tackles you (which we're working on).
  • You still love your pacis.  I'm not sure when we'll try to break that habit.  Eventually, I guess...
  • You love to blow raspberries and you love to mock us when we say "eh".  You'll change your inflection and when we match yours, you crack up.
  • You are still in 9 month clothing and size 4 diapers.  
  • You love all food!

Kanon Rockford -
  • You still are so sweet, baby boy.  You have such an amazing heart and it shows constantly!
  • You are starting to get this ornery streak, though!  You like to tackle your sister and cousin and they don't appreciate it one bit!
  • You are moving all over very quickly now as well!  You love being able to keep up with your sister!!
  • You like to steal Remi's paci and bite on it for a minute, and then you're done.
  • Wrestling your dad is your absolute favorite thing to do!
  • Your giggle is so infectious!  We love it!
  • You are in 12 month clothing now and size 5 diapers.
  • You aren't as crazy about food as your sister but you do eat everything very well!  Just not as enthusiastic.  

Sweet have no idea how you light up our world.  We have absolutely no idea where we'd be without you.  We can't believe that in less than 2 weeks from today, you will be 1.  How has this past year gone so quickly?  I feel like I was just pregnant with you both, feeling you kick, enjoying moments of us together, and now, we are back to the daily grind and our lives are so busy that we blinked and an entire year has passed.  

Monday, February 13, 2017

Double Digit Months?!?! This Can't Be!

Ten.  As in One.Zero.  How in the world can this be?  For some reason, this feels huge to me.  10 months old.  My little babies that came into this world at 4 pounds 1 ounce and 5 pounds 3 ounces are now 10 months old and 17 and 20 pounds???  Not possible!

Kanon and Remi are our whole world!  They are loved so much, by so many.  They truly are the most amazing blessings we could have ever asked for.  They are patient and sweet and so mild mannered.  They are a joy for their Aunt Beck that keeps them most days.  Their Grammie absolutely adores them, as they do her!  Dusty and I don't get enough time with them, but we truly do make the most of the time we have.  We are blessed to know they are being loved by family when we aren't with them, and that truly makes work so much more bearable.  

Remington - 

Oh my ornery little girl!  You are hilarious.  You like to chit-chat and growl and crack us up.  You are so sweet at the same time.  Often times, when you wake in the morning, we will hear you start talking and wait in your crib for us to come get you.  You'll stand and wait and the joy and smile on your face when we walk to the nursery door makes our hearts explode!  
  • So - last month, I really thought you'd be walking by now, but that's just my inexperience talking.  You are thinking about it, and will push anything around, but still not sure about going out on your own!
  • You are in size 4 diapers. 
  • You are still in size 9 months clothing.
  • You are becoming so much more affectionate to your brother.  When Daddy gets home from work with you, you usually wake first (you are a much lighter sleeper) and you will sit and wait for Bubsy to wake up...or you won't wait, and will try your best to wake him up!  Adorable!!
  • It is amazing how your personality is captured in this picture!

Kanon -

I don't think it is possible for you to be any sweeter.  I can already tell you love with your entire heart.  You are so sweet, so patient, so kind.  My heart bursts for love for you and I just want to wrap my arms around you and protect you and never let anybody hurt you.  I pray your sister will be that protector for you when I can't.
  • You are pulling up on everything now and you LOVE it!!!  We caught you standing in your crib a couple of weeks ago and although you were crying for us, it was adorable and of course we had to snap a picture!
  • You are in size 4 diapers.
  • You are mostly in 9 month clothing but moving to 12 months now.
  • You are crawling on all fours now and it is so cute!  You love this new-found mode of getting around and you like to follow us around the house!
  • You, my son, are so even-keel like your Daddy.

Our sweet, sweet babies.  We truly can't imagine our lives without you.  You were worth every bit of what it took to bring you into our lives.  I would do it all over again to have you here.  I'd do it a million times to know every shot, every day of morning sickness, everything was for you two.  We love you.

Babies' First Christmas

My goodness.  Seriously.  Nearly 2 months late?  I am terrible!!!

The years we spent wishing and hoping to have babies to sit and watch for their first Christmas.  Let me tell you, they were all worth it to share the magic of Christmas with Kanon and Remington.  

We took the babies to see Santa earlier in December and they really did so well!  I was afraid we'd have a crying/screaming (but hilarious) Santa picture, but really, it turned out pretty good!  They weren't sure what was going on, but they didn't fuss!

I will admit, I spent time being sad.  We miss Chandler and Paisley so very much.  Those two beautiful, strong, amazing babies should be here with us.  How I would love if our story was one of two sets of twins.  Two boy/girl twins.  Now that, that, would be magical.  But, I have to be strong for Kanon and Remington.  

We decorated our Chandler and Paisley tree and added ornaments for Kanon and Remington this year.  It was beautiful watching Kanon and Remi explore the tree and lights and just look at it with wonder. 

We went to Christmas Eve service and actually smiled through it this year as we saw little kids run up onto the stage to listen to the recount of Jesus' birth.  

Sunday morning, we got up, had our traditional biscuits and chocolate gravy, let the babies open their presents, and then headed to church for Christmas Day service.  Grammie came down and the babies got to open their presents from her.  They were finally starting to get the hang of what to do (and not just eating the wrapping paper).  

After that, we went to the NICU and took chocolate chip cookies that Dusty had baked.  Although we didn't get to see many of your nurses because they were off work, we did get to visit with a few.  We love this tradition!

Over New Year's, we went to Iowa to celebrate Christmas with Dusty's Iowa family.  The babies even got to go for a swim for the first time with their Uncle Beau and Aunt Darcie!!  They loved it!!  They had such a good time playing with their cousins.  I love how the outnumbered boys are sticking together in the next picture!

Christmas this year was amazing.  Such a great time spent with family and celebrating Jesus while having two of our four babies here with us.  We are blessed.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Baby Dedication

About two months ago, Dusty and I got to stand in front of our church and our family members, along with a few other parents, holding our precious Kanon and Remington, and dedicate them to God.  We committed to raising our children in the Lord's house, and to helping them learn about Jesus and leading them in the Christian life.  

I can't tell you the times I've spent dreaming of that moment.  I grew up in church and we actually didn't really do baby dedications at my church; however, Dusty and I changed churches to one closer to home 2 years ago, and it is something that is done twice a year at our new church.  In fact, just the 2nd time we went to church there, and the first time after having Chandler & Paisley, we watched the baby dedication service, with tears streaming down our face, not knowing if we would be able to ever be a part of giving our children back to God in a spiritual way, rather than the physical way we had just experienced at that time.

Also, as a note, we attend a Baptist church.  Unlike other denominations, the dedication is not the baptism or confirmation of children.  Baptist believe that a person must make the decision to be saved and follow Jesus on their own, and after that, it should be followed by baptism.  The dedication is exactly as it sounds, the dedication of our children to God and to raising our children in a Godly home.  

The dedication focused on this key verse:

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added

to you." Matthew 6:33

Put God first, in all we do, and especially in raising our children.  That was the message and is something Dusty and I want to keep our eyes on, remember and fall back on, at all times; in all circumstances.

The service included us making the following commitment, which I want to record here, so we can come back to this when we lose focus and remember what we said we would do; what we promised to do. 

We commit to raise our children on the authority of the word of God

We commit to dedicate our heart, soul, mind and strength to the task of allowing You to guide and direct our children through us

We commit to leading our children through personal relationship with You

We commit to raise our children in Your church

We commit to You, Lord

After the commitment, our pastor prayed over each family.  

More than anything, Dusty and I commit to these things.  We pray over our children that they will love the Lord and love their church and grow up to do amazing things for the good of Christ.  

 And I can't document this story without adding the fact that poor Kanon, as you can tell from the pictures, was just not feeling it.  In fact, he and Remington both started getting sick earlier that week with a stupid cold I brought to them and that poor boy cried through pretty much the entire 2nd half of the dedication service (which was really only about 15 minutes total).  He was hot, and tired, and just plain over it.  Little sweetheart.  I could not get him to settle down and felt awful.  Our pastor reassured me that it was fine when he walked up to our family to pray with us.  I'm thankful he said that because I felt terrible!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

9 Months...already

I absolutely can not believe the fact that my babies are 9 months old.  It is crazy to me.  How has this happened?  

They are the sweetest babies.  They really are so good, and get praised for being such good babies by everyone.  I am so thankful for that!

Remington -
  • You still love food.  All food!  It doesn't matter what.  You are so active, and can eat and eat and eat!
  • You are a hoot, little girl!  You absolutely crack us up.  You are feisty, yet still so sweet and precious.
  • You are so tiny but so incredibly strong!
  • I could be wrong, but I really don't think it will be too long until you start walking!
  • You finally moved up to size 3 diapers.
  • You are finally getting closer to 9 month clothing.

Kanon -
  • One of my most favorite things about you right now is how you will pat my back or shoulder when I pick you up, just like I do you.  It is the sweetest!
  • You are finally moving well, albeit still an army crawl!  
  • You are just the sweetest little boy in the world.  The way you love just breaks momma's heart!
  • You have said Mom!!!!  It was amazing and melted me in a million pieces!  You first said it clearly on December 23rd.  The perfect Christmas present! 
  • You are in size 4 diapers, big boy!
  • You are in all size 9 month clothes and moving to size 12 quickly!

You truly light up our world.  The joy you bring us is beyond anything I ever truly could have imagined.  I still long every single day for your brother and sister to be here, but I don't even know where I would be without you both.  My arms ache to hold all 4 of my babies, but holding the two of you brings me such happiness and I know I am truly blessed.  We love you so much, sweet babies.

Now, please stop growing up!