Thursday, January 28, 2016

We Still Miss Our Bitties

I think, in starting to get excited about this pregnancy, it's easy to appear that we have moved on past Chandler and Paisley, and I want to make sure that it is clear that is not the case.  We still miss our Bitties so much.  We very much still have moments where we tear up, or flat out cry, and think about how we should have 4 babies running around, 2 sets of twins, and how amazing that would be, and how we would absolutely love every single minute of it.

As I move through this pregnancy, I can't help but feel tremendous guilt that I've made it this far with these babies and didn't with Chandler and Paisley.  I hate my body for that.  My heart hurts for our Bitties.  I wish so badly they were here too.  It is a weird thing to think about because we wouldn't be pregnant right now with these babies if Chandler and Paisley were here.  These babies would still be frozen, waiting to come home with us.  

I was having a especially rough day filled with thoughts of Chandler and Paisley and left work sad and missing them.  They had been particularly strong on my mind that day.  They are always on my mind, but even more so that day.  When I got in my car and started my drive home from work, I noticed the most beautiful Chandler and Paisley sky.  I got to take it in the entire way home.  The colors were just brilliant and beautiful, and I know our Bitties painted it for me that day because they knew their mommy needed it.  

Yes...I took some while driving...sorry!  I was safe, I promise.

Dusty and I still absolutely love when friends post and share Chandler and Paisley Sky pictures.  It touches us more than you can even imagine.  To know that our Bitties are remembered and thought of means more than it is even possible to explain.

I think that is part of my fear with these babies.  I don't want anyone to think these babies are replacing our Bitties.  That is impossible!  Chandler is our first son, and Paisley our first daughter.  They are the babies that made us parents.  That will never change.  

We still long for them constantly.  Oh how we wish we could hold them.  Dusty was having a rough couple of days just this week, and he told me that he heard MercyMe's Homesick twice in one day.  Then, I heard it the next day.  You may ask what is so special about that?  Well, this song was released in 2004, so it isn't like it is particularly current and being played a lot.  This song has such a special meaning for us.  We heard it for the first time just a few short weeks after losing Chandler and Paisley and it has taken a very special place in our hearts.  We hardly listen to it without crying.  The first time Dusty played a youtube video of it, the singer intro'd the song by talking about the place he was in when he wrote this song.  He and those around him had experienced several losses in a very short amount of time, and he felt compelled to write this song.  In talking of the losses, he said that a very good friend of his and his wife's had lost twins at 5 months.  The first time I heard this, I lost it.  To know that this song came out of twins lost at 5 months, the same point where we lost Chandler and Paisley was just so overwhelming.  

Here is the youtube link where he spoke of this.  MercyMe - Homesick

Here are the lyrics:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I can't even explain how much Dusty and I can now relate to this song.  We both have lost our dad's and we have experienced hurt, but nothing compares to the loss of a child.  This song says it so well, homesick is exactly how we feel.  It's such an interesting feeling to be homesick for a place we've never been, but it's true.  And honestly, although expecting these babies has lessened that desire to be "home" as soon as possible, we still are homesick.  We still miss our Bitties as much as ever.  

Monday, January 25, 2016

We made it to 24 weeks!!

As I'm writing this, I'm actually 25w1d, but 24 weeks is such a milestone that I really wanted to go back and post about it.  

Leading up to 24 weeks, for one, I was so scared.  But two, I didn't really think it would help my anxiety much, because in reality, it's just the point where there is a 50/50 chance of survival.  And in my head, 50/50 means one baby survives, one doesn't.  I know that isn't how it works, but in my CPA brain, that's just what comes to mind.  So, I didn't think hitting 24 weeks would feel like much, but boy was I wrong.

I'm actually glad I didn't post this earlier, because I've had this past week to reflect on how I've felt since hitting 24 weeks, and really let my emotions settle and take it all in.  And let me tell you, it has been such a great week since hitting 24 weeks!  I have felt my lungs take a deep breath for the first time in MONTHS!  And it is amazing!  

All that being said, I know we still have a very long way to go, but, as I've said before, I'm trusting and hanging onto God and I feel a strength and a confidence and a hope that I haven't felt before.  This feeling of getting past 24 weeks has been amazing!  I'm so thankful to be at this point in the pregnancy.  Of course, these babies must stay in for as long as possible, and I'm hoping and praying for the strength to make it to term, but, it does feel better to be at this point.  It feels so good to take a deep breath again.

I've ran into another complication, of course.  At my Dr. H appointment on the 6th, I asked if I could be tested for a UTI.  I'd been having some pain when going to the bathroom, but honestly, it all feels so weird because of the pressure from the pessary and the weight of the babies, that I didn't actually think I had a UTI, but asked to be checked anyway.  I'm so thankful I did, because as it turns out, I had one.  I started on a course of antibiotics and asked to be retested at the end of the treatment, which was a week ago Friday.  Well, the initial repeat analysis showed I still had a UTI, so they changed my antibiotic, and I started another week's worth of meds.  I went back Friday to be tested and I'm waiting on the results.  I will say, finding out I had a UTI during my 22 week point was just absolutely awful.  I know that UTIs can cause pre-term labor if untreated, and I was a mess.  I was so scared.  I wanted to just lay in bed.  Thankfully, I found out on a Thursday, and was able to work from home Thursday and Friday and take it easy all weekend.  Anyway, hopefully I get good news soon that it has cleared up!  

At my Dr. H appointment this past Wednesday, he really helped me feel better about hitting 24 weeks as well.  As he was measuring my belly (before he chuckled at the measurement), he commented that I had made it past 24 weeks, and then looked up and said, Thank you Lord!  Which was just awesome!  I said, yes, thank God!  Then said, I know I still have a long ways to go, and he agreed, but said this was huge!  Which really helped me realize this is a big thing!  I need to be happier about it!  So I'm really trying to be!  Oh, and at that appointment, which was 24w3d, I was measuring 33 weeks.  Yikes!!  I thought I had blogged this, but now I can't find it, so sorry if it's a repeat, but at my 20 week appointment, Dr. H measured me and just laughed.  Then he told me I was measuring 28 weeks!  Oh my!  I asked if it was a problem and something to be worried about and he said no, and said, we have to remember what your husband looks like.  haha!  At my 22 week appointment, I was measuring 31 weeks, and Dusty was there with me.  After Dr. H measured me and laughed a little, I patted Dust on the shoulder and thanked him for that.  We all got a good laugh at that.  Dr. H said it's all fine and perfectly normal for twins though!  

So now...I've never done this before, but I always enjoyed reading it when others have done these kind of posts during their pregnancies:

How far along - 24 weeks (I'm doing this as of 24 weeks, obviously, and will catch up soon)

Measuring? - 33 weeks

Total weight gain - up 9 pounds, probably would have been more, but thanks to the lovely hormones from the IVF cycle, I weighed too much to begin with

Movement - Yes, and I love feeling it!  Dusty got to feel the babies for the first time on January 2 and I never want to forget that moment!  I cried tears and tears of joy when he felt them.  It was amazing!

Food cravings - Chocolate chip ice cream has been a staple this pregnancy...sure hope it doesn't impact the GD test I took last week!

Sleep - has been pretty good, thank goodness!  I get up a few times a night to potty, but it hasn't been terrible

And lastly, my 24 week bump pic.  

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Cervical Checks

With my last post being about the pessary procedure, I thought it'd be good to follow that post up with what my cervical checks have been.  I guess I should say were, I've actually already graduated from my doctor doing measurements!!  I can hardly believe it at all!  When we first started going to KC, we knew the checks would be every other week, and we just thought we'd be going up there through at least the beginning of February, but that's not the case!  More on that below!

My first cervical check was on December 3rd, when I was 17w4d.  I ended up having to go by myself because Dusty had a big project at work (and his boss gave him a little pushback when he initially told him we'd be in KC every-other-week, but that has since resolved), and my mom was going to go with me.  Well, she ended up with an AWFUL case of food poisoning, my poor mom, and I felt awful for her!  So, I was by myself.  I really tried to put on a brave face and tell both Dusty and my mom that I would be fine, but in reality, I was scared, so very scared.  So, I go in and the u/s tech did an abdominal scan first, and the babies looked great, thank God!  Then, she did the vaginal u/s and honestly, it hurt SO bad!!!  I think it was the combination of nothing being in there for quite some time and my anxiety, but dang!  It hurt, it was terrible!  I cringed and jumped.  Then, it took her close to 5 minutes to measure my cervix!  It seems like she was really struggling with it, which of course, is doing nothing for my anxiety.  So, she measures it, and tells me it is measuring 3.2 cm and says its fine.  I instantly start to freak out.  Here I am, only 17 weeks, and it's already down to close to 3!  I wanted close to 4 and here we were, 2 mm from 3!

I asked if I would be seeing a doctor, and she said I wasn't scheduled for an office visit.  Since I was kind of freaking out, they went ahead and let me meet with the doctor for a minute, and then with the nurse practitioner for a little longer to get some of my questions answered.  The doctor and nurse practitioner assured me that 3.2 was a good length, that they like to see anything above 3, and that 2.5 was what they considered the critical point.  All I'm hearing in my head was I'm nearly at 3, and only 7 millimeters from the critical point!  Millimeters, that's nothing!  Their reassurance didn't do much for me at all!  

I had a few other questions so the nurse practitioner stayed with me.  I really don't even remember what the questions were.  Really, I just had a breakdown and cried.  I was so scared, and being there by myself was just compounding it.  She was incredibly sweet and very reassuring.  She made sure I had their on-call nurse line and told me I could call it at any time.  I had no idea, so I was very thankful for that!  

I made the 3 hour drive back to my office and cried a good chunk of the drive.  I still was just so upset over my measurement.  All I could think was I was at 17 weeks and that I didn't think my measurements would do anything but go down.  I began thinking about how I was sure at the next appointment it would be below 3, and that I needed to seriously start considering bedrest.  And I began praying, very specifically, for God to lengthen my cervix.  That's probably one of the most intimate prayers I've prayed, but that was what I needed.  

The next day, I wasn't much better.  In fact, I actually called back to the on-call nurse number the next morning and asked if that was really an ok measurement given I was only 17 weeks.  I was reassured it was, once again.  Again, I wasn't too thrilled with it.

I saw my local ob the next week and he asked me what my measurement was.  I told him it was 3.2, and his reaction was the first thing that actually started to reassure me.  He said, "Oh awesome".  I was really glad he reacted like that.  I told him about how I was expecting and hoping for closer to 4 and how I freaked out.  He asked me if a doctor had talked to me about it and I said yes, but...and he said, you'd already hit the panic button?  Yep, exactly!  I'm so glad my doctor gets me!  So, him being pleased with it helped.

My next measurement was on 12/18, when I was 19w5d.  Thankfully, Dusty was able to go with me.  At that appointment, we had the best ultrasound tech!  She was so great!  She said we'd measure my cervix first, and then let me get dressed to do our growth ultrasound.  So, she took three different measurements, with one being 3.09, but the other two being 3.36 and 3.4.  She said she really felt the short one was inaccurate since the other two were so close.  Praise God, my cervix length increased!  I cried tears of joy and relief!  She told us to not be surprised if my chart said the shorter one to be conservative, but she didn't think that was accurate.  

My third measurement was on 12/30, which I was 21w3d.  Again, we had an amazing ultrasound tech, and she also measured my cervix first thing (thank goodness).  This time, my numbers were even better!  She took four measurements with my cervix ranging between 3.4 and 3.95!  The average was 3.72, thank God!!  Seeing my numbers increase was incredible.  I was so relieved!  

We went back on 1/13 for my LAST cervical measurement (unless something goes wrong).  Wow!  I can't believe that just 10 days ago, I had my last measurement.  I was 23w3d at that appointment.  The ultrasound tech wasn't my favorite, and we didn't get told my exact measurement, but it was OVER 4!  I finally reached that 4 number I wanted at 17 weeks!  Praise God!  I was so happy.  In fact, when the doctor came in to talk to us after the ultrasound was over, she said my cervix looked great, and I said, I'm so happy about it, I just want to walk around and high five people and say, my cervix is over 4!  She was like, heck yeah, I'll high five you, that's great!  So we high fived!  LOL!  I love Dr. F in KC, she is young, and hilarious, and on top of her game!

In fact, Dr. F said that everything was going well and she released me to my regular ob for the rest of the pregnancy, unless something goes wrong, and with the exception of getting my pessary removed, which is scheduled around 35 weeks.  I was floored!!  Given that Dusty and I were not "full-time" patients of the KC clinic, I don't think anyone besides Dr. F really knew the plan for handling our care.  I guess up through that point, I'd pretty much been treated as a regular patient of theirs, with appointments every-other-week, and growth scans every 4, so the other doctors and techs just treated me as a regular patient. At the previous appointment, another doctor had said my appointments would go to every 3 or 4 weeks if the next check looked good.  So Dusty and I were quite surprised to hear Dr. F say she'd just have me go back at 35 weeks!  

So, in summary, here are my cervical checks:

17w4d - 3.2 cm
19w5d - 3.36 cm
21w3d - 3.72 cm
23w3d - 4.0 cm

Monday, January 18, 2016

Let’s discuss the pessary

As I’ve mentioned, I am using a pessary in this pregnancy.  The specific type of pessary is an Arabin pessary.  This pessary was developed by Dr. Arabin who is a doctor in Germany.  I first heard of pessaries being used in twin pregnancies in my twin loss support group when a girl subsequent to her twin pregnancy became pregnant with twins again, and had a pessary placed in a rescue situation at 19 weeks when her cervix was between 1.7cm and 2.4, depending on pressure being applied or not.  You can read her rollercoaster story here.

Prior to her mentioning it, I had never heard that word, and in fact, didn’t even know how to say it when I began researching it!  There are many different types of pessaries, and the most common use is when the uterus has prolapsed.  This explains why, when I initially mentioned use of a pessary to my doctor’s nurse, she didn’t understand how that would do any good! 

The reasoning behind why the Arabin pessary works is the pessary supports the cervix and causes the cervix to shift slightly, which helps take weight and pressure off of the cervix.  In my own words, it is almost disbursing weight from being directly on the cervix in order to help relieve pressure on the cervix.  It’s been used in Europe, but is still not common in the US.  Here is the website for the doctor who invented this.

Since learning more about this, and joining an incompetent cervix group on facebook, I’ve since seen women who have contacted Dr. Arabin directly via email and he has helped “size” them for the pessary, and then they have ordered it directly from him and he has provided guidance to their obs for how to place the pessary.  So, that might be an option if any of you are reading this and your ob says they don’t have access to it (like the Tulsa MFM told me).  Remember, be proactive! 

Also, just google “pessary use in twin pregnancy” and you will see lots of links to studies and information about the use of the pessary in twin pregnancies.  It seems to be picking up ground, and I see more and more information about it every time I google it.  I am very encouraged at this increase in information.  There isn’t enough being done for women who find themselves in this situation (pregnant with twins after a pregnancy loss due to pre-term labor or incompetent cervix), and I’m glad to see more proactivity instead of just the wait and see mentality, which honestly just isn’t good enough.

Hopefully the above information is useful to somebody!  Honestly, if this post reaches just one person and helps them be proactive with their ob and helps save their baby’s or babies’ lives, it is so worth it to me! 

I want to share a little more about the placement of the pessary.  So, as I mentioned, we went around 15 weeks to have the pessary placed, which was on November 18.  I was 15 weeks 3 days at that point, to be exact. 

Before we had the pessary, we had an ultrasound.  During the ultrasound, the tech had looked at my chart and noticed I was getting a pessary, or, I guess, asked if I had it already.  I did something stupid and asked her how big the pessary was.  Really, I shouldn’t have.  I had avoided thinking about the actual size for weeks, but, then, I just couldn’t help myself.  When she held up her hand and showed me (slightly bigger than a baseball in diameter), I thought there was no way I could handle that!  I already had so much anxiety going into that appointment.  I honestly was so scared about how much it would hurt, and that did nothing to make me feel better.  The tech told me that it would hurt, that nobody walked out of there saying, that wasn’t that bad.  She wasn’t doing that to be mean, I had asked, and that was the honest answer she gave, which I appreciated.

We left the ultrasound room and went into an exam room to wait for the pessary.  I was kinda surprised, I didn’t have to have my legs up in stirrups, which I honestly think helped my anxiety somewhat.  I hate those things (you’d think I’d be used to them by now)!  Instead, Dr. F just pulled out the table extender and had me bend my knees and rest my feet on that.  Oh!  But first, I should say, before I laid back, I saw the pessary and I’m sure my eyes got huge.  It was a lot bigger than the size I had minimized it to in my mind.  Foolish me!  I went in thinking, ok, surely this thing is about the size of a golf ball.  Nope!

Dr. F checked my cervix before placing the pessary, and said it was good.  It was long and closed, and hard, which is a good thing.  I, of course, winced when she did that and I remember she kinda said something like, oh just hold on if that hurt.  *cry*

So, next, for the fun part.  Thank goodness Dr. F has little hands!  She put some lube on the pessary, folded it in half, and very quickly “shoved it up there”, for lack of a better way to describe it.  It hurt like heck, not going to lie.  However; I’m so glad she’d done it before because it was over in about 10 seconds.  Actually, probably less, but you know, when you’re getting a large ring and somebody’s hand shoved up there, seconds feel like minutes!  And, to be completely honest, although it hurt like crazy, it wasn’t as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind.  I think mostly because it was over so quickly and she got it in the right spot on her first try.

Afterwards, she had me go to the bathroom to make sure I could urinate, which I could, so that was good.  She asked me how I felt, which was a little hard to describe, so she said, full in there?  Yep, exactly, full in there.  It was definitely a different feeling.
I asked her if coughing or throwing up could cause it to come out (because that was when I still had my awful cough), and she said no.  In fact, this is hilarious, she said pretty much the only way it could come out is “if it gets stuck on him (and points to Dusty)”.  Dust and I were both like, uh, no!  She went on to say, “which you shouldn’t be doing anyway, don’t be doing that any more” and we were both like, oh!  We aren’t!  Don’t worry!  Lol!  It was a funny moment!

For about a week after having it placed, I finally started to get over the fear of coughing it out, peeing it out, whatever!  It did take about a week before I stopped worrying about it though!  Since then, I really haven’t noticed it too much.  I will say, I think I’ve felt it when I’ve gone to the bathroom at times.  I feel just something that seems like it is pressing on my bladder and causing a change in my ability to potty.  I still can, but not as easy as before.  This, of course, though, could just be pregnancy in general. 

I’ll do another post very soon to catch up on my cervical checks since getting the pessary, and how the visits with the MFM have gone so far!  Please feel free to leave comments with questions and I'll gladly answer them!

(disclaimer - this is all my own opinion, not medical advice, I am by no means a doctor nor do I give this advice as anything except my own personal experience)

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Slowly Catching Up

I figure it is about time I caught this blog up and provided more details on things that have happened during this pregnancy!  Or at least the details of issues I’ve had at this point in this pregnancy.  There have been pains, but they are things I don’t want to forget!  That’s the problem with me not doing it as I went, I’m sure I’m going to forget things, but hopefully I’ll hit on the highlights.

I will do another post to fill you in on all the actual appointments, but for now, the post will likely end up being about other issues I have faced in the pregnancy and not super pregnancy specific.  Sorry about that!!

So, as you all know, September 15th, we discovered we were having twins again.  This led to several MFM appointments being scheduled, both locally and in Tulsa.  Of those three appointments, we only went to one.  After that one appointment, which was a massive mix-up anyway, I corresponded with the doctor and learned they really couldn’t do much to help, as I mentioned in a previous post. 

While this was going on, I connected through an online friend, with another girl online, as I’d mentioned who had last twins, and at that point, had twins about 2 months old.  She saw a high risk group in Kansas City, who treated her with a pessary and progesterone vaginally.  None of the MFMs I had appointments scheduled with had ever even heard of the use of the pessary, so, I quickly decided that Dusty and I would be going to Kansas City and would see the doctor she saw.  Tulsa would have been about a 2 hour drive, Kansas City was around 3 ½ hours, so, not that much more, and really, you can’t put a price on saving your babies’ lives. 

Anyway, there is so much I want to blog about regarding the pessary, including pictures, and placement, and all that jazz, so I’m going to dedicate an entire post to that. 

That being said, let’s continue to catch up on how this pregnancy has gone so far so I can look back on this and remember it!

I had my “prenatal appointment” with my local OB on September 30, which really didn’t consist of much, besides us being given what our payments would be on our payment plan, and then talking with a nurse.  It was sad and scary all at the same time, really; sad because it felt like it wasn’t too long ago that we had just sat at that same desk, talking to the same nurse, filled with excitement over our pregnancy, and scary because at that point, we didn’t have a plan for how this pregnancy would be treated differently.  At the end of the appointment, the nurse snuck us into the ultrasound room and we got a quick peak at our babies, which was awesome!  The ultrasound tech didn’t know there were two, and was quite surprised when she started the scan!  She joked about how she usually does the surprising, not the other way around!

Also at that appointment, I remember I had just started having this cough.  I’d had it for several days, but assumed it would go away, and just took the safe medication list from the nurse and thought, if it doesn’t go away, I’ll look at this list and figure out what I can take. 

So, my pregnancy progresses, and things were going smooth, as far as I knew.  We made an appointment to go to Kansas City, and would be going on October 16th.  That was a relief and something to look forward to.  I was so glad they wanted to get me in as soon as possible, because all of the other MFMs wanted me to wait until close to 16 weeks, which just wasn’t soon enough for me!  In my pessary post, I will blog about this appointment.

In the meantime, I had my first appointment with local OB on October 15th.  At this point, I was just over 10 weeks pregnant.  We talked to Dr. H about going to Kansas City.  I talked to him about the pessary and told him that I hoped that would be an option.  He’d never heard of a pessary being used like that, but was pretty intrigued by the idea of it.  Then he used the Doppler to try to listen to the babies.  And nothings…and he searched some more…and nothing.  And of course, I freak out.  I know I got this panicked look on my face, and had to look like I would lose it at any second.  Dusty was there with me, thank goodness, but he wasn’t much better.  So, we went and waited for an ultrasound to check on the babies.

While we were waiting, we saw our dear friends, Candice and Adam, who were very close to term in their first pregnancy.  We chatted with them for a minute, and then they were led back to their room.  Candice texted me and told me that they told Dr. H they saw us in the hall when he had a hard time finding their little girl’s heartbeat and how she told him that thing better be defective!  That made me laugh while we were waiting for the ultrasound.  Anyway, we finally had the ultrasound and all was great!  Thank God!

Well, remember that cough that I mentioned having on September 30th?  Four weeks later, it still hadn’t gone away, and so on October 30th, feeling absolutely awful and so tired of coughing constantly, I went to an express care place, and was diagnosed with bronchitis.  Lovely.  They couldn’t do a chest x-ray to really know if that was it or not, of course, but given how long I’d had it and the various meds I’d tried to get rid of it, she figured it was bronchitis and prescribed a z-pack for me.  Of course, me being me, I freak out and call my ob to make sure I can actually take a z-pack, which I could, so I started that hoping it would do the trick.

Everything continued to go very well with the pregnancy.  I was being seen every other week by my local ob, and had plans to go back to Kansas City at 15 weeks to have the pessary placed.  Again, I’ll do a whole separate blog post for that. 

So, back to the stupid cough I had.  The z-pack helped slightly, but not really enough.  The cough was still there, and was in fact; causing me to cough so much that at times I’d gag and throw up.  I really think my morning sickness would have tapered off much earlier had it not been for the cough.  I had an appointment with Dr. H on November 2nd and mentioned it, and he prescribed tessalon perles, which did help some.  I’d still have coughing fits at time, and hated taking those pills constantly.  That led to the lovely experience of, what I’m pretty sure was fracturing my rib.  Towards the end of November (yes, two months of coughing at this point), I was coughing in the shower, which led to throwing up, and then a very loud crack and an incredibly sharp pain in my rib.  I instantly started yelling in pain, and poor Dust, he just stood outside the shower wishing he could help me.  I called Dr. H’s nurse and she told me to see my PCP, which I didn’t have, but he recommended one to me. 

I went to the doctor that afternoon for my rib.  By this point, I can barely talk, walk, anything, it is hurting so bad.  The doctor couldn’t do a chest x-ray, of course, but told me that 3 of 4 times, when that happens (the pop and shooting pain), it’s a tendon.  So, if it got better in a couple of weeks, it was likely a tendon.  If it was still hurting 8 weeks later, it’s a fractured rib.  I’ll just let you guess which it was…Needless to say, I was still dealing with rib pain as recently as a couple of weeks ago.  Ouch!  A fractured rib hurts terribly!

Since the middle of November, I have been seen at least every other week at both Kansas City and my local OB’s office.  We’ve got lots of pictures of these two beautiful babies!  I’ll do another post and catch up on my Kansas City appointments (as the others really have just been listening to the babies and me asking any questions I can possibly think of).  This post has gotten long enough, so I’ll stop for now!!

Monday, January 4, 2016


Today, I am 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  That is 1 day further than I made it with Chandler and Paisley.  Yesterday was hard.  The days leading up to yesterday were hard.  I felt scared stiff almost.  I wanted to lay on my couch and not move, out of fear of something going wrong.  I am still trusting God through this, but there are still days where it is absolutely terrifying and hard to maintain that trust.  

That doesn't mean I don't trust God, it just means some days are hard.  The last few days were hard.  But, I still feel this confidence that I know is from all of the prayers of family and friends, and provided to me by God.  But, unfortunately, I'm still human.  

A couple of Sundays ago, our worship pastor read a verse out of Psalms, verse 56:3, which says, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."  David's own words say that there were times when he was afraid.  If David was afraid, it shows us it's ok for us to be afraid as well.  That fear doesn't make us less of a Christian, after all, David was a man after God's own heart.  It just shows we are still human!

So, here I am, 22w1d pregnant.  More pregnant than I've ever been.  And I thank God for it every day.  

We are now 13 days away from our first mini-milestone, 24 weeks.  Honestly, the number I'm really focused on is 41.  41 days away from 28 weeks.  But, I am here, taking it one day at a time.  I can't do more than that.  I just can't.  I can't lose focus of the now.  

Thank you all for the prayers!