Thursday, September 19, 2013

Angry

As I have said before, I want this blog to be my honest feelings.  So, I apologize in advance for this blog post, because I know it isn't going to be a popular one.  Some of you may be disappointed in me for what I write here in this post, and I'm sorry, I really am, but, this is how I'm feeling right now, and I promise you I'm trying to fight it, but right now, at this moment, I'm losing the battle.  So, I want to get the words out, I want to write.  It's therapeutic for me.

Right now, I'm angry.  I'm angry at my body.  I'm angry at the whole world.  I'm angry at God (and I know I shouldn't be, I really do, and I really feel guilty even typing that).  This anger is always right under the surface.  It is almost as if I can literally feel my blood simmering in anger, just waiting to reach a boiling point.  And unfortunately, when it has reached that point, I have struck out against those I love the most, my husband and my mom. 

Dusty and I have been through a lot, and this is the first time I really have felt truly angry with God.  In June, 2010, I lost my dad.  I was a daddy's girl through and through, and at 27, my daddy died, on father's day.  I had all the reason in the world to be angry with God then, but I wasn't.  That doesn't mean I wasn't hurt, I was, it was the hardest thing I had ever been through, but I don't remember anger.  Then, in July of 2012, my father-in-law died suddenly from a heart attack.  Again, I could have been angry, but I wasn't.  God gave me strength then, to be Dusty's rock, for once, after he had been mine over and over. 

However, in this moment, I feel anger.  And it hurts me to feel this way.  I know it isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do.  I've prayed, and prayed for a child.  It hurts so hard when I see others happy with their children.  Dear friends, please don't take this personally, as I am truly happy for you, but for myself, I hurt.  One of my dearest friends told me this week that she is pregnant, and I really am happy for her, and she even told me she hesitated to tell me, because of my situation.  I told her that she shouldn't worry about that!  I really am thrilled for her and her husband, they deserve all of the happiness in the world.  But it stings at the same time.  And I swear to you, there are record numbers of pregnant women walking around right now.  Everywhere I look, I see a beautiful, round, glowing pregnant woman and I turn green with envy and quickly look away.  

I know that Dusty and I have a very long way to go in this journey and it is way too early to feel this way.  And I know this too shall pass.  

For an update on the TTC journey, as I last told you, I'm not pregnant.  The IUI didn't work.  However; my period has still not started, and I'm about a week late at this point.  I've taken a couple more pregnancy tests just in case, but they continue to be negative.  My stupid app that I use to track my period (yep, there's an app for that), is even asking me if I'm pregnant.  

I called my doctor's nurse yesterday and asked what is going on.  I'm scheduled to go in for a blood test on Monday to verify I'm not pregnant, and then when that is confirmed, I'll be given medicine to start my period and get moving down the road with the next IUI.  I asked the nurse what was going on, and she said that it may be that I didn't ovulate right, or something like that, even with the trigger shot.  So, who knows.  All of these hormones and drugs going into my body has it confused, I'm sure.  So now, I'll take more to help straighten out the mess the others caused.  What a vicious cycle.   

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Big Fat Negative...

Seven times...that is how many times I stared at a home pregnancy test wishing for that second line to appear.  Zero times is how many times it did.  Yes, I tortured myself 7 times in less that a week.  

I couldn't wait, so I took the first test early last week.  Then, I convinced myself it was just too early, so I waited a couple of days and tested again, and again, and again, each time becoming more and more angry and depressed.  

I don't even really know what to say.  I'm discouraged.  I'm hurt.  I'm boarder line depressed.  

I'm 31 and childless.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Let's get pregnant...

One week...7 days.  That's all.  Only 1 week has passed since our IUI procedure.  It feels like much longer than a week. 

Last Friday, Dusty and I went in for the IUI procedure.  Dusty did his thing, and we got to the clinic at 9:00 to drop off his part of this process.  Then, we had an hour to spend before it was time for the IUI procedure.  I tried my best to not focus on how unfair it is to have to go to the doctor to get pregnant.  There is nothing intimate about it, nothing beautiful, nothing like that at all.  Dusty's in the bathroom doing his thing, and then an hour or so later, a doctor is going to take that, put it in me, in order to help us try to get pregnant.  It makes the whole process feel cold and distant.  So...to try to keep from dwelling on that, Dusty and I went to Walmart (of course), because we had to pick up dog food for the pups {man, those little guys burn through the food, haha!!}, and then went to Petsmart so I could get filter cartridges for my fish tank filter.  Then, we headed back to the clinic for the IUI. 

The actual IUI procedure wasn't too bad.  There was a little bit of pain, but nothing compared to the HSG test.  As I told the doctor, it would be well worth it if we get pregnant.  The doctor and his nurse were great!  As we handed Dusty's sample to the nurse, she said something like, alright, we'll see you in an hour to get you pregnant.  Then, as we were getting ready for the IUI procedure, the doctor said, let's make this work, there is no reason why this can't work the first time.  I really appreciated the positive thoughts, and I pray they helped! 

The IUI procedure only took about 5 minutes, and then they had me stay on the table for 20 minutes before leaving.  I didn't know how I would feel afterwards, so I stayed home for the rest of the day.  Dusty headed into work and I laid on the couch watching past episodes of Scandal, Grey's & Lost. 

In the week since the procedure, I have felt great.  I haven't had any cramping or any side effects.  I hope that isn't a bad sign!  I've been exhausted, but I figured that's just the stress and anxiety of the last week's activity catching up with me. 

So...it's been a week, and I have 7 more days before I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test.  From what I've gathered, since the trigger shot I took was an HCG shot, which is the pregnancy hormone, if I were to take a pregnancy test now, it would be positive.  My 31st birthday is Wednesday.  I'm going to have a very hard time waiting until next Friday to take a pregnancy test.  I may take a test on my birthday.  Wouldn't that be the best birthday present ever?!?!  I remember last year, I took a pregnancy test on my birthday.  That was a very depressing day.  I remember wondering how in the world I was turning 30 and childless.  I hope and pray this birthday is better.

I probably won't blog about my results, positive or negative, for a while, because Dusty and I want to be able to tell our family together, if we are blessed enough to be pregnant.  I'm so sorry, guys, but I know you guys understand.  In the meantime, I'll try to find other things to blog about that aren't boring.  :) 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

WooPigSooie!!

The Razorbacks had their first home game of the season on Saturday.  It was a great game, they won 34-14!  I must say, I’m pretty impressed with how the Hogs looked and have more hope than I had a week ago at this time!  Anyone that knows me, knows I am an avid sports-girl and Razorback fan.  I have loved the Hogs from as early as I can remember.  With where I grew up, most people are either OU or Arkansas fans, with very few being Mizzou fans, even though I’m from Missouri, so it was just natural for me to be a Razorback fan.
As with every home game, we had a big tailgate before the game with my brother and his family.  It is always a good time with friends and food, and beverages, of course, but having had my IUI the day before, I, of course, did not partake in the beverages.  J  Below is a picture of our set up.  My brother goes all out for tailgates, as you can probably see. 

This game was incredibly hot.  I don’t know how the players did it.  I think it was around 97 degrees at kick off and it was miserable!  Kick off was at 3:00, and as we were packing up the tailgate around 1:30, I had sweat just rolling off of me.  Luckily, I have a great boss who has tickets for a box.  My boss was out of town attending a different game in Dallas, so he offered his tickets to me.  I must say, if I hadn’t been sitting in the box, I probably wouldn’t have stayed for the entire game.  I could get used to being in a box, haha!


So, that was a recap of what we did on Saturday.  I will post a recap of my IUI sometime in the next couple of days.