Monday, October 24, 2016

2 Years...

It's been two years since we last held Chandler and Paisley.  Two years since I felt like nothing bad could ever happen to me.  Two years since our dreams completely shattered.  Two years since our lives felt like they were on the way to being whole.  

Chandler and we love and miss you.  Please, please sweet babies, know that Kanon and Remington will never, and could never be, your replacements.  Either way, we know we would have had them, and they would have been your siblings, and it would have been so much fun.  Please know that.

I had my very first dream about Chandler and Paisley.  I don't remember it, but I know I dreamt of them.  Friday morning, the day after their birthday, I was browsing through their pictures on my phone, and something in one of the pictures stirred in my brain the dream I had.  Oh how I wish I could remember it.  I can't believe I haven't dreamed of them before.  I have vivid dreams, crazy, unbelievable dreams, and it's always bothered me, in a way, that I haven't dreamed of them, but at the same time, I think it was my brain's way of protecting my heart, because I can't live through horrible dreams about them and their short time here.  

On Thursday, for Chandler and Paisley's birthday, we visited their headstone with my mom and a dear friend of ours.  We took cupcakes and balloons and had a little birthday party for them.  We replaced the flowers in their vases and admired their stone.  We took the day off work so we could spend it together, remembering them, and being together, and I'm so thankful we did.  

I'm so thankful for the friends that we have that remembered their days and reached out to us.  It truly means so much to us.  A friend sent this to me today, and it is so true, and I feel it more than ever.  

Monday, October 17, 2016

I'm still infertile.

I still wear that label.  I have four children.  I have been pregnant for a total of (almost) 57 weeks.  Someday soon, two sweet little faces named Kanon and Remington will call me Mom.  One day, I will hold two little babies in Heaven who I will be reunited with, and I call them son and daughter.

But…I am still infertile.

I still see a pregnant belly and cringe.  There are some days when it still hurts to walk down the baby aisle.  I pass by the infant and newborn items and know those days are over for me.  I won’t ever need those again.  It passed in a blink of an eye.

Some days, that little newborn cry that I hear out and about still brings tears to my eyes.  I catch my breath and begin to prepare myself for that longing and pain that always accompanied that sweet noise, even though I have now experienced hearing those precious cries of my own children.

I miss the innocent days when life was about “having a baby someday”, and not having the infertile label.  I miss the days when I thought as soon as I wanted a baby, all we had to do was say, now is the time, and it would happen.  I long for the innocence I had, the naivety that I lived in prior to infertility stole so much from me. 

My eyes have aged, my heart is tired.  Most of this is due to the loss of my sweet Chandler and Paisley, but part of this is from the constant fight I battled for years trying to achieve mine and my husband’s dream to become parents.   

There are days when I still have to remind myself that I actually am a mom, a mom of 4 at that!  Days when the dark days of infertility still cast an ominous shadow over my current life.  Like a storm brewing on the horizon.  Days when I still have to fight the clouds to find the sunshine. 

And then the guilt sets in.  How can I feel this way when I have two beautiful children here that I get to go home to every single day when so many friends are still struggling to have their first, or still trying to get pregnant after experiencing infant loss or miscarriage?  Why can’t I shake this label, and all the stigma that comes with it?  Why can’t I let this go, live in the now, and forget the pain that comes with it? 

How can I give Kanon and Remi everything they deserve when I find myself longing for more children?  They are here, they are mine, how could I want more?  

How much more am I going to let infertility steal from me?

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Happy Half Birthday

Our sweet babies are already half a year old!!!!  How are we already closer to a year old than when they were born?  

It blows my mind to see them getting big and growing up like they are.  They bring us so much joy.  Their personalities are hilarious.  Kanon is so laid back and Remi is such a fireball.  Much like Mom & Dad.  

Remington - 

  • You are so full of fire.  You crack us up!  You can rev up in a matter of seconds and will cry so hard your whole body becomes red with anger and you get stiff as a board when you throw a temp tantrum.  It is quite funny, but something we must get under control!
  • You love sleeping on your tummy and you are just adorable.
  • Your hand-eye coordination continues to amaze us.  You are so advanced there, in my opinion!
  • You have moved to mostly 6 month clothing now, but can still fit in some 3 month things.  You are a little thing, but you are really gaining!
  • You take 5 ounces still.
  • You are just moving from size 1 diapers to size 2.  
Kanon - 

  • You have TWO bottom teeth!!  You're such a big boy.  You love to run your tongue over your teeth and tuck your lips in over them and just feel them!
  • You are the sweetest little bear ever.  You just love to love people.  You smile and flirt and you melt my heart.
  • You're sleeping hasn't been so good lately, I'll blame your teeth!
  • You are in all 6 month and bigger clothes now.
  • You are still taking 5.5 ounces most feedings.
  • You wear size 2 diapers.

The two of you are starting to really notice each other more and interact more.  It is absolutely adorable.  I pray you will always be there for each other and will always have each other's back.  I pray you'll always love Jesus and will always be the sweethearts that you are.  Momma & Daddy love you so much, babies.  You are our entire world.