Sunday, December 31, 2017


Transformation - 

the act or process of transforming.
the state of being transformed.
change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

My word for 2018.  

This is what I want 2018 to be about.  When I look back, 1 year from now, I want to visibly see where I have transformed.  My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health all need to be improved, need changes, need betterment, and this is the year I want to stop thinking about it, stop talking about doing it, and DO IT!

I'm not big on resolutions.  Instead, I'd rather pick a word and make it my theme for the year.

2015 - my word was proactive.  Looking back at 2015, this could not have been a better word.  There were so many areas in my health where I had to take it in my own hands and proactively seek care.  It started off right at the beginning of the year where I had to push for further tests and ask for second opinions on my health problems.  It turned out I had retained placenta and had two doctors misdiagnose me before I reached out to my nurse practitioner who took the right steps to find the problem.  Then in September, when I learned we were expecting twins again, I had to seek out opinions from 4 different high risk obs to find one who would do anything to help me carry my babies as long as possible.  I took my health care into my own hands, and with God's blessings, made my dreams come true with another pregnancy.

2016 - although I never blogged it here, my word was faith.  I entered 2016 at the very point in my pregnancy where I lost Chandler and Paisley.  I'm not sure I ever conveyed how exactly it felt, but I was scared out of my mind.  The anxiety ate me alive up until about 29 weeks.  I tried my best to have faith, and I think I did, just probably not the blind faith that I should have had.  It is too hard when you have had your world taken from you to just step out like that.  However; faith was still my word, and between {figurative} panic attacks, I had a piece that I never would have had without my faith.  That faith carried me through a c-section and a short NICU stay and I can honestly say, I always had faith my babies would be fine.  

2017 - to be honest, I didn't have a word, but looking back, it was survival.  Twin babies.  First busy season after becoming a mom.  Ear infections, coughs, colds.  Yep.  Survival was my word for 2017.  I'm still not sure I did as well as I should have, which leads me to my need to transform.

My need to transform is so overwhelming.  I've been dealing with things silently regarding my mental health that I'm not ready to put into words yet, but it has been a battle I've tried to fight for a while now.  My physical health is...well, the only way to put it is, crap, it's crap.  I lost my baby weight immediately, and dropped down to the lowest weight I had been for years, and then it all gradually came back and I feel so yucky.  Lastly, my spiritual health needs such work.  I've been tired, overworked, braindead at times, and just can't seem to figure out where to make the must-needed time for my spiritual health. I must get back to my daily quiet time.  There is such a void where it was. I move on this journey, I'll post updates and share more.  

Thanks for riding along.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Oh hi there...

Once again, I've found myself away for so long.  

My creative juices, or at least the what little ones I have to write this blog, have seeped away from my body to where I just feel like I have nothing to say.

This blog started as a blog about infertility.  I beat it...or thought I had, and was so excited to blog about Chandler and Paisley.  And then, it turned into a blog about infant loss, preterm birth and grief.  Then it became our journey to get to try again.  After that, my pregnancy, and then the babies' first year.

Since just feels like the road to nowhere.  

I've lost my blog-motivation desire to write is still there, but I want it to be relevant and something people want to read, not just random blah blah blah crap.  

I've had thoughts of blogging about being a working momma because, damn, that is HARD.  I've had thoughts of blogging about our Foundation (what?????  Yes, we have started a Foundation and a post about that in the very near future is a MUST).  Of course, I want to blog about Kanon and Remi, as well.  

So I really don't know where I'm going.  I just don't want it to be a dead-end.  

Stay tuned.  

Monday, November 13, 2017

Mid-Life Blah?

I haven’t blogged for a while.

The truth is, I don’t feel like I have much to say these days.

I’m struggling to get by day to day.  Being a full-time mommy and a full-time working mommy is HARD! 

I think I’m in a rut.  Things are the same, 

I LOVE, more than anything, going home to Kanon and Remi and getting my 1 hour with them.  One…

I see them in the morning when I wake them up to change their diapers and hit the road.  And then by the time I get home in the evening, Dusty and I have one hour to play with them, feed them dinner, bathe them and get them to bed, before eating dinner, watching a little tv and going to bed ourselves, just to get up and do it all over again.

Being a working parent is freaking hard!  I knew it would be, but I didn’t realize just how hard it would be. 

My job is demanding and requires more of me then I think I’m even willing to give at the moment and I’m just lost with what to do.  I used to really enjoy my job.  Now…I’m not sure.  I think I still do and I think I’m just in a rut.

I don’t know why I’m in a rut, though.  I mean, life is pretty good.  We have Kanon and Remi and we are so happy with them. 

We have plans to move forward with a couple of things in our personal life (no, not more IVF), which I will post about soon, so I should be excited about that.  I am, somewhat excited, but I should be more excited, I guess. 

I don’t know, I guess it all just feels blah right now.  Is that what mid-life is?  Blah?  It shouldn’t be, should it?  I hate even saying that because Kanon and Remi make it so much fun and fill our lives with so much joy.  But outside of my one hour a day with them…

Anyway, this is just random babble.  I’ll stop now and try to post something more meaningful soon!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Three Years in Heaven

How has it been three years?  One-thousand ninety-six days. 

I can’t believe it’s been that long since we last held our Chandler and Paisley.  Since they were born, fought hard for a day, and then went to Heaven, hours apart. 

It’s very easy to be quickly transported back to those three days.  I honestly can place myself back there at any given moment.  I don’t know what that says, if anything.  Probably nothing.  I find myself trying to overanalyze everything, yet wanting to think about nothing, all at the same time. 

Grief comes in such waves.  Thursday was a hard day.  A long-time friend found out her granddaughter passed away in-utero at 25 weeks due to a cord accident.  Another friend and his wife are headed on the fast track of divorce and he confided in me on Thursday. 

Those two things happened the day before the Bitties’ third birthday.  I came home from being out of town and the weight of those things, along with the upcoming weekend was just too much and I just lost it.  My heart hurt so much for my friends, and for me, and Dusty, and Kanon and Remi. 

I find myself so envious of moms in my facebook groups who have two sets of twins.  I do too, damnit.  You just can’t see one set because they are in Heaven.

And they SHOULDN’T be!  Why did my body fail?  Why couldn’t my doctors have taken more preventative measures?  Why are twin pregnancies treated like normal pregnancies, until they aren’t?  

I digress and I don’t want to.  This post is for the Bitties.  Three.  My first babies would be three.  Except they shouldn’t yet, but that is a point I’ve labored over enough in previous posts. 

Three years of living with half my heart elsewhere.  Three years of wishing I could visit Heaven (really, about 14 months of wishing I was in Heaven with them). 

We are trying to honor them in every possible way.  I’ll post more on that later. 

But for now, happy birthday, Chandler and Paisley.