Thursday, April 6, 2017

We blinked.....

And our babies turned 1.  

I'm not sure how it happened.  

I'm not sure where months 2-11 went.  

I remember the NICU days.  Those long, long days.  

I remember firsts...smiles, giggles, crawling, food, teeth...

But I still am at a loss as to where this past year went.

I don't know how it happened.  I tried my best to take in every single minute, every second, all of every single day.  I truly did.  I tried to stop, and take deep breaths, and know I would never get that moment back.  And I still feel like I failed.  I still feel like I missed so much, have forgotten so much, will never get back so much.

My babies are growing.  They are getting so big, and my heart is beating with excitement and pulsing with love, all while breaking at the same time, begging time to slow down, to let Dusty and I have this time longer, to let us breath in the moments deeper, to help us experience this time better.  

It's a losing battle.  The days go faster and faster.  My babies are growing, learning, exploring, becoming toddlers at such a rapid pace that I can't keep up.  

I long for time to stand still, just for a bit.  Let me catch my breath.  Let me hold onto my babies before they are out of my reach.  

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Even if...I could rewind and change...

You often hear people say if they could go back in time, they wouldn't change a thing, that what they went through made them the person they are today...I don't share that sentiment at all, not one bit.

So many loss parents feel such conflict because they feel their rainbow baby wouldn't be theirs if it weren't for the storm of losing their baby and that creates such an internal conflict.  How do you wish your first child(ren) had never passed away, all while loving the baby(ies) that wouldn't even be here if it weren't for that loss?  

As I've said on here before, I have never felt that way.  Kanon and Remi would still be here.  Maybe they would have been born in 2017 instead of 2016, but in my heart, in my mind, with all I believe, no matter what, they would be here.  

Of course, in my situation, it is different.  Kanon and Remi were conceived and became embryos at the exact same time Chandler and Paisley did.  May 19th, 2014, they, all of my children, were formed, in a petri dish instead of my womb, but still, formed.  Then, Kanon and Remi were placed on a perfect little amazing plastic tube and frozen, until we came back for them, 15 months later.  They were always there, and I believe they were always going to result in a pregnancy.  So, in my case, it is a lot easier to get over the guilt of losing Chandler and Paisley but having my rainbows.

If I could go back and change things, I would, in a heartbeat.  There are so many things I would have done differently that in my mind, would have allowed Chandler and Paisley to be here.  I live with this torment daily.  In my heart, I know that God is in control, and ultimately, whatever was meant to be, was, but in my mind, I still can't get past how I can think of a handful of things that I believe I could have done differently that would have resulted in Dusty and I having two sets of twins here instead of one in Heaven.

Some of those things that I can bring myself to mention would have been insisting on cervical measurements, insisting on seeing an MFM, taking supplements, taking it easier during my pregnancy by resting more at home, among a few other things that I honestly can't type because they hurt me too badly.  The guilt is overpowering.  I'll never be able to get over it.

As I have done many times, once again, a MercyMe song is running through my mind's soundtrack as I type this.  It seems like so many MercyMe songs just really speak to me and my husband.  Several I've never posted about just are so fitting, like Bring the Rain (go listen or read the, that is deep and I can't say I'm there).  This one though, is screaming at me to tag onto the end of this post.  Here are the parts that speak the most to me.

"They say it only takes a little faith
to move a mountain.
Well, good thing
a little faith is all I have right now.
But God, when you choose
to leave mountains unmovable,
give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul...

I know you're able and I know you can
save through the fire with your mighty hand.
But even if you don't
my hope is you alone.
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
would all go away if you'd just say the word.
But even if you don't
My hope is you alone."

Man, those words...even if you don't...I can't tell you the times I prayed and prayed to God for a miracle of bringing Chandler and Paisley back, of moving back in time and undoing all that unfolded October 20, 2014...but God didn't.  And to be honest, Dusty and I still can't get to "it is well"...

Monday, March 20, 2017


I am completely aware of the fact that we are much closer to a year than 11 months at this point, and that saddens me and makes me frustrated with myself for being so slow to post this update all at the same time.

The babies hit 11 months a couple of weeks ago and I really struggled with that one.  I was out of town on work, and it seems like just a big month, before THE BIG MONTH, you know?  

The babies truly are so much fun.  They are completely mobile (hence the inability to get a good picture of them together, despite trying 2 times), going wherever they want, getting into whatever they want!  They kitchen cabinets are now open to them for whatever they'd like to explore, but they really just stick to a couple of drawers.  All of our food storage containers now sit on the kitchen floor as baby toys, lol!  We really need to put the drawer and door child-proof things on, but our biggest concern is them smashing their little fingers in the drawers and we realized those things won't help that, so...we haven't done it yet.

11 we go...

Remington Ann -
  • You, my girl, are a hoot!  You like to boss and laugh and smile with this wrinkled up nose that everybody loves!
  • You are so quick, moving around everywhere at lightning speed!  Watch out when you decide to walk!
  • You love standing up and pushing things everywhere!  You've moved a dining room chair all the way across the kitchen, and then were angry when you couldn't move the wall!
  • You are so sweet to your brother!  He steals your pacis all the time, and you still love him!  The only time you get angry with him is when he tackles you (which we're working on).
  • You still love your pacis.  I'm not sure when we'll try to break that habit.  Eventually, I guess...
  • You love to blow raspberries and you love to mock us when we say "eh".  You'll change your inflection and when we match yours, you crack up.
  • You are still in 9 month clothing and size 4 diapers.  
  • You love all food!

Kanon Rockford -
  • You still are so sweet, baby boy.  You have such an amazing heart and it shows constantly!
  • You are starting to get this ornery streak, though!  You like to tackle your sister and cousin and they don't appreciate it one bit!
  • You are moving all over very quickly now as well!  You love being able to keep up with your sister!!
  • You like to steal Remi's paci and bite on it for a minute, and then you're done.
  • Wrestling your dad is your absolute favorite thing to do!
  • Your giggle is so infectious!  We love it!
  • You are in 12 month clothing now and size 5 diapers.
  • You aren't as crazy about food as your sister but you do eat everything very well!  Just not as enthusiastic.  

Sweet have no idea how you light up our world.  We have absolutely no idea where we'd be without you.  We can't believe that in less than 2 weeks from today, you will be 1.  How has this past year gone so quickly?  I feel like I was just pregnant with you both, feeling you kick, enjoying moments of us together, and now, we are back to the daily grind and our lives are so busy that we blinked and an entire year has passed.  

Monday, February 13, 2017

Double Digit Months?!?! This Can't Be!

Ten.  As in One.Zero.  How in the world can this be?  For some reason, this feels huge to me.  10 months old.  My little babies that came into this world at 4 pounds 1 ounce and 5 pounds 3 ounces are now 10 months old and 17 and 20 pounds???  Not possible!

Kanon and Remi are our whole world!  They are loved so much, by so many.  They truly are the most amazing blessings we could have ever asked for.  They are patient and sweet and so mild mannered.  They are a joy for their Aunt Beck that keeps them most days.  Their Grammie absolutely adores them, as they do her!  Dusty and I don't get enough time with them, but we truly do make the most of the time we have.  We are blessed to know they are being loved by family when we aren't with them, and that truly makes work so much more bearable.  

Remington - 

Oh my ornery little girl!  You are hilarious.  You like to chit-chat and growl and crack us up.  You are so sweet at the same time.  Often times, when you wake in the morning, we will hear you start talking and wait in your crib for us to come get you.  You'll stand and wait and the joy and smile on your face when we walk to the nursery door makes our hearts explode!  
  • So - last month, I really thought you'd be walking by now, but that's just my inexperience talking.  You are thinking about it, and will push anything around, but still not sure about going out on your own!
  • You are in size 4 diapers. 
  • You are still in size 9 months clothing.
  • You are becoming so much more affectionate to your brother.  When Daddy gets home from work with you, you usually wake first (you are a much lighter sleeper) and you will sit and wait for Bubsy to wake up...or you won't wait, and will try your best to wake him up!  Adorable!!
  • It is amazing how your personality is captured in this picture!

Kanon -

I don't think it is possible for you to be any sweeter.  I can already tell you love with your entire heart.  You are so sweet, so patient, so kind.  My heart bursts for love for you and I just want to wrap my arms around you and protect you and never let anybody hurt you.  I pray your sister will be that protector for you when I can't.
  • You are pulling up on everything now and you LOVE it!!!  We caught you standing in your crib a couple of weeks ago and although you were crying for us, it was adorable and of course we had to snap a picture!
  • You are in size 4 diapers.
  • You are mostly in 9 month clothing but moving to 12 months now.
  • You are crawling on all fours now and it is so cute!  You love this new-found mode of getting around and you like to follow us around the house!
  • You, my son, are so even-keel like your Daddy.

Our sweet, sweet babies.  We truly can't imagine our lives without you.  You were worth every bit of what it took to bring you into our lives.  I would do it all over again to have you here.  I'd do it a million times to know every shot, every day of morning sickness, everything was for you two.  We love you.