Monday, September 11, 2017


So, here I am, half-way through my thirties.  Half-way to 70 as a friend loves to point out. 


This age holds some significance for me that I can’t help but think about today. 

See, my mom and dad were a lot older when they had me.  My mom struggled with getting pregnant and there are 17 years between my older brother and me, and 10 between the younger of my two brothers and me.  Mom never was on birth control.  That’s just how long it took for her to get pregnant.  She always wanted a girl, and never gave up on that dream.  I came along when mom was 41 and dad was 49.

I loved my life growing up and there are certainly advantages to being born to older parents.  They understand so much about life.  They have lived through so much.  There definitely was no uncertainty that I was loved and they wanted me and wanted to spend time with me without any need to live out any “younger” antics or what-not. 

But I also saw how tired they were.  My parents owned their own business on top of having a farm, and they worked so hard.  My mom is still one of the hardest working people I know.  She never sits down and rests and is always on the go!

With seeing how tired they were, I specifically remember thinking to myself, I want to have all of my children by 35, no later.  I didn’t want to be too tired to enjoy them and travel with them.

So, here I am, at that self-imposed deadline I set years ago, struggling with the desire of wanting more children while loving our little life with our man-to-man coverage. 

Happy birthday to me. 

Friday, August 11, 2017

16 Months Old!

At 1 year, I (obviously) quit posting regular monthly updates on the Toots.  But they are truly at such a fun age right now that I need to do a post just to help me remember what all is going on in their lives and their development right now.

First, and perhaps the biggest, is as of about 3 weeks ago, we are completely off the bottles!  This was probably a little later than most, but we're ok with that!  They were down to bottles only at nap and bedtime since about 13 months, but we decided to make the move to sippy cups only and they never even asked for their bottles!  

Second, they are saying so many more words now!  They say mamma, dadda, grammie, Beck, Pop (their great-grandfather, not the sugary drink), more (Kanon, along with his way of signing it, which is one finger pointing at his opposite palm, Remi still signs it like a pro), dog, splash splash, scrub-a-dub-dub, down, I love you (Remi a few times), my my, bad (haha), hi and hiya,and  bye and buh bye.  

The next thing I want to remember is their love for books right now!  For the past few months, they have really taken to reading.  They love for anyone to sit down with them and read.  Books are their favorite things right now.  The love books that have animals and for me and Dust to make silly noises they can mimic.  

They also are so independent.  At times, in the evening, we'll come home and they will just go to their little play area and sit down and play with their toys.  Although I love seeing it, it also makes me sad at the same time that they are so independent!  

They love animals, especially dogs, and especially Remi.  She just goes crazy for them, even when she sees them on tv or in books.  It is adorable!  

Kanon is really taking to eating with a spoon!  He does a fantastic job eating breakfast at Aunt Beck's every morning and using his spoon for his oatmeal or yogurt.  Remi insists on eating with her hands still, haha!  

They are fabulous eaters!  We really couldn't ask for them to be any better here!  They love fruit and veggies so much!!  Give them blueberries and they will be happy for days!  They love corn on the cob, strawberries, peas and green beans are a favorite too!  They love their oatmeal or malt-o-meal for breakfast, along with fresh fruit.  We've recently introduced them to spaghetti and they are big fans!  Remi has always been a pretty good meat eater, but until recently, Kanon wasn't too crazy about it and would always leave meat on his tray.  He has recently discovered sausage and is a big fan!

Kanon is definitely in this pointing and grunting stage right now.  He's also the first to tell you if something is out of place and not where it should be.  If there is a cord plugged in that is within his reach, he's going to say bad, or grunt and point at it until you move it.  Remi doesn't seem to care too much, but will go mess with whatever it is Kanon is not happy about.  

Remi is still crazy about her wubs!  I'm not sure how that will end, or when it will, but she LOVES them!!  Some nights, we throw 4 of them in her crib to be silly and inevitably, when we go back to check on them, she will be snuggling all of them!  Remi is great about sitting them down when I tell her to.  When we leave in the mornings, I tell her, leave Lucy (or whoever she has) here, and she'll take the wub out of her mouth and set it down (or throw...typically).  

Kanon's has two favorite things to do right now.  Clean and make motor noises.  I've never seen a toddler so good at making motor noises and mimicking how something sounds!!  Maybe he has VP in his future, lol!  We recently rented a carpet shampooer and he was incredible at making the same loud motor noise as the shampooer!  He imitates the dust buster a lot, but it was so funny to hear him get louder and deeper when he was imitating the shampooer!  Notice both of those things tie into his other favorite, cleaning!  He LOVES it!  Oh my goodness, give him a broom and he is happy!  He'll wipe the floor with paper towels and sweep!  It's darling!

Although both love reading, it is clearly Remi's favorite thing!  She loves all books and will beg us to sit down and read with her.  She likes touch and feel books and books with animals.  She will read them to herself and "talk" out-loud.  She also loves to run.  She's in the phase where she hardly walks anywhere and wants to run everywhere!  She's hilarious!  
They also are doing great at sleeping (knock on wood) and going to bed!  Since taking the bottles away, they have been doing so well at sleeping!  They will have dinner, then bath time, and after bath time, we'll do sippy cups with milk, although they hardly drink any, then we brush their teeth (oh, that's another thing, Kanon has 16 teeth and Remi has 14!!!), and they go to bed!  They usually fall asleep within 15 minutes of being in bed, with just laying there watching their "tvs" most nights, and have been sleeping all night, thank goodness!  

We love them so much and they are absolute dolls and we truly couldn't ask for better babies!!  We're so thankful for them!  

Monday, July 24, 2017

What if there were more?

I won't do IVF again.  Not because it is too hard, or too expensive, or too anything, except the sheer possibility that I would end up with too many embryos, and I just can't do anything except give those sweet embryos a chance at life if they are created.  And I can't say I would be willing to transfer 5 more if say, we had similar results to the first time.  Especially given every one of mine took, even if one ended in an early miscarriage.    

But are Dusty and I done having children?  

I truly don't know.  

I'm not on birth control.  And, I'm sorry - TMI here, but our sex life is finally back to normal after years of my body being pumped full of artificial hormones and thrown all out of wack and it directly impacting that.  So...if it happens, it happens, and we'll be happy with that.  As Dr. H said at my annual, we'd be happy, so, why go on birth control.  BC is really the last thing I want.  I finally feel like me!  It's an amazing feeling.  

So...what would more mean?  

In this weird, crazy way, I really would only want twins again.  (I know...lock me up)  But, that's all we've known.  And I feel like a "singleton" (isn't it funny how twin mommies, both to angel babies and earthly babies, refer to single baby pregnancies as "singletons".  I mean, who else does that?!?) would be lonely, or would miss out, or wouldn't feel as special, or would just be too "plain".  

But, I have absolutely no idea what my chances of conceiving again are, let alone having "spontaneous" twins.  (Spontaneous - the acceptable term for twins not a result of fertility treatments).  We never figured out why I couldn't get pregnant, and you hear stories of it happening all the time, right?  So why not me?

But then all of these crazy thoughts pop into my head.  Would it seem like we were just trying to replace Chandler and Paisley?  Absolutely not!  But sometimes I worry that.  Am I just so damn jealous of normal pregnancies and normal breastfeeding and normal this or that that I'm willing to have another pregnancy just to be hope to be "normal"?  (Breastfeeding - I shall say now, I pumped for a year, the babies got breastmilk for a year, but our nursing relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be.  I've started a post about it, I just need to finish it)  

What about work?  Would it sink my career if I took another maternity leave?  Would it be accepted?  There are other women at my level who have had multiple pregnancies and multiple leaves, so why not me?  

What about my infertile friends?  That wouldn't be fair, for me to get pregnant naturally when there are so many fighting so hard for one chance at a living baby.  

What about Kanon and Remi and our perfect little life that we have right now, right in this moment.  They are our whole world.  They are the joy that brings smiles to our faces and light up our eyes.  Why change that?  

We shall see where this road goes.  It may be a dead end.  It may just be a pipe dream.  I just don't know. 

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

First Birthday Party!

So…here I am, 3 ½ months late posting about the babies first birthday party!  I know.  I am terrible!

I started getting ideas in my head for their birthday party around 6 months, but pushed those thoughts aside because it was just too early to be thinking about these things.  My babies were not going to grow up that quickly and if I didn’t think about it, surely it wouldn’t happen, right?!?! 

I wanted a rainbow themed birthday party for these sweet rainbow babies.  The invites said “Somewhere Over the Rainbow…Dreams Really Do Come True” because these sweethearts really are mine and Dusty’s dreams come true.  We had our March for Babies the morning of their birthday party and then friends and family gathered at a local park to celebrate Kanon and Remington turning 1! 

Remi absolutely loved the cake.  She dug right in, and then smashed it with her hands, lol!  She loved it all, until she had her hands covered with icing and decided to rub her eyes!  Kanon was a little more hesitant but then he dug in and thought it was yummy too! 
We also brought their walkers and let them stroll around before the party really got started and they loved going around and visiting everyone.

We had rainbow balloons and each tablecloth was a different color of the rainbow.  We also bought red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple jelly beans with rainbow bags for everyone to make their own rainbows as a party favor. 

All and all, I was so happy with how their party turned out!

Here are a few pictures from the day.