Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Dance, Mommy, Dance!

My last post was a lesson learned from my babies, and then over the weekend, the idea of this post hit me, as my daughter demanded Alexa play "Toe Tap", which is actually the Trolls Soundtrack.  Another lesson.  

Nothing gets my baby girl up and moving quicker than JT's Can't Stop the Feeling.  Remi and Kanon both got on a kick where they wanted to watch the Trolls movie, over and over and over.  And of course, along with that, are the songs in the movie.  Remi has learned from her aunt she can play all the songs through Alexa by asking for the Trolls Soundtrack and that is her jam!  She loves it.  Absolutely loves it!  She dances.  She demands everyone around her dances, and it make her so happy!  

Over the weekend, in the middle of dishes and putting away breakfast leftovers and laundry and who knows what else was going on, Remi asked for the music to play, and I obliged.  As we were standing in the kitchen, a couple of songs went by as Dusty and I continued on with our work, but then Can't Stop the Feeling came on, and that was it, we had to dance!  Remi yelled first at Kanon, "Bubby, dance!", then my turn, "Mommy, dance!"  Lastly, it was time for Daddy to dance too, and Remi very quickly demanded it from him as well!  

How easy it would have been to tell her, we'll dance later, knowing she'd forget about it.  But why?  How many times will we really have, really, that Remi will want to dance with us?  This baby girl loves to dance and time is flying too quickly as it is.  One of my favorite moments was Sunday, in our kitchen, Dusty holding Kanon and me holding Remi, dancing so horribly, but listening to our babies giggle.  I don't ever want to forget that moment.  

Hold onto your babies.  Give in to their demands when you can.  What does it hurt?  You won't regret it in 5 years, I promise you that. 

Monday, May 21, 2018

Stop & Smell the Roses

Life gets busy.  Life gets rushed.  But you know what my babies have taught me?  It doesn't need to be like that.  We need to SLOW DOWN!  Life goes fast enough as it is.  Why must we push it to be even faster?

My babies have no sense of hurry, at all.  Sometimes Dusty and I get frustrated at that.  Sometimes we lose our patience.  But then sometimes, we stop, and we quit rushing, and we let them do what they want, go at their pace, and not force them to fit into this hectic world they are already so adept to. 

They have showed me that a few seconds, or minutes, don't matter, at all.  So what if it is hot out and we have 25 things in our arms we are trying to carry in?  Will walking that much faster really matter?  Just this weekend, I snapped this picture of them as we were trying to get them inside after a quick shopping trip after church.  They were in no hurry.  Why rush to get inside?  It was a beautiful day and the roses were blooming, and all they cared about was stopping and smelling the roses. 

Kanon and Remi have learned that flowers smell good from their Grammie.  And now, any time they see a flower, fake or real, they ask if they can smell it. 

Why can't we as adults be more like that?  Why can't we see something, and stop and take in it's beauty instead of rushing past it, rushing through the moment?  How much sweeter would life be if we could just force ourselves to slow down and live in the moment, instead of always thinking of the next 10 things we need to do and agonizing over there not being enough time to do those things. 

Lessons learned from Kanon and Remi...

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Knock knock...

Well...hello there...if anyone is actually still there.  Probably not.  That's ok.  This blog is mainly just cheap therapy for me at this point anyway!  I don't even know if my hubby checks it anymore, ha!  But that's what happens when it's been 4 1/2 months since I last posted, and before that, it was sporadic at best!

My mission today?  Type out whatever feels like flowing through my fingers to this keyboard.

I've survived another "busy season".  I use quote because it isn't over yet and I'm still busy, but it is what it is.  I keep doing what I do.

My babies are 2.  TWO.  Yes, TWO!  How?  I don't know.  I really don't.  They are the loves of my life and I long for them constantly throughout the day. 

I'm not the mother I wish I was.  I wish I never lost my patience.  I wish I never felt that urge to spank my child when they misbehave.  I wish I never felt the urge to raise my voice and become angry.  I wish that Dusty and I knew how to handle our children when they push our buttons and do the very thing we just asked them to stop doing.  But I don't.  So I pray about it and I try to find ways to practice self-control when they push my buttons.

I still miss Chandler & Paisley.  That will never change.  There are days when I try to imagine what it would be like with two more precious babies running around.  It's too much to reconcile in my brain most days.  How old would they have been when we tried for Kanon & Remi?  How much time would there have been between them? 

I don't know. 

I have 3 friends specifically right now that are still childless, that have faced infertility, treatments, and miscarriages, and my heart hurts so badly for them.  I truly don't know what person I'd be today if I didn't have Kanon and Remi.  I wouldn't want to see that person.  I would be bitter, and angry and mean and, all sorts of other things.  I perhaps would have even lost my faith, rejected God, and going down a horrible path.  I'm so thankful I'm not that person, but so broken for my friends that have this unfilled longing.

Then, I have other friends who have a child, but want more.  They long for more children.  I'm so blessed to have two, to have a boy and a girl, but there are days when I long so much for more children.  I long to experience pregnancy again, and that newborn stage again.  I long to have that one more time.  But would one more ever be enough?

Then, I see stories of children being abused, or sick, or hurt in accidents, and my heart breaks.  Absolutely breaks.  Why?  I just don't understand. 

I hope to revitalize this blog again some day, but for now, I just feel like I lack anything relevant or worthwhile of reading.  When I need the cheap therapy, I'll post. 

Sunday, December 31, 2017


Transformation - 

the act or process of transforming.
the state of being transformed.
change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

My word for 2018.  

This is what I want 2018 to be about.  When I look back, 1 year from now, I want to visibly see where I have transformed.  My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health all need to be improved, need changes, need betterment, and this is the year I want to stop thinking about it, stop talking about doing it, and DO IT!

I'm not big on resolutions.  Instead, I'd rather pick a word and make it my theme for the year.

2015 - my word was proactive.  Looking back at 2015, this could not have been a better word.  There were so many areas in my health where I had to take it in my own hands and proactively seek care.  It started off right at the beginning of the year where I had to push for further tests and ask for second opinions on my health problems.  It turned out I had retained placenta and had two doctors misdiagnose me before I reached out to my nurse practitioner who took the right steps to find the problem.  Then in September, when I learned we were expecting twins again, I had to seek out opinions from 4 different high risk obs to find one who would do anything to help me carry my babies as long as possible.  I took my health care into my own hands, and with God's blessings, made my dreams come true with another pregnancy.

2016 - although I never blogged it here, my word was faith.  I entered 2016 at the very point in my pregnancy where I lost Chandler and Paisley.  I'm not sure I ever conveyed how exactly it felt, but I was scared out of my mind.  The anxiety ate me alive up until about 29 weeks.  I tried my best to have faith, and I think I did, just probably not the blind faith that I should have had.  It is too hard when you have had your world taken from you to just step out like that.  However; faith was still my word, and between {figurative} panic attacks, I had a piece that I never would have had without my faith.  That faith carried me through a c-section and a short NICU stay and I can honestly say, I always had faith my babies would be fine.  

2017 - to be honest, I didn't have a word, but looking back, it was survival.  Twin babies.  First busy season after becoming a mom.  Ear infections, coughs, colds.  Yep.  Survival was my word for 2017.  I'm still not sure I did as well as I should have, which leads me to my need to transform.

My need to transform is so overwhelming.  I've been dealing with things silently regarding my mental health that I'm not ready to put into words yet, but it has been a battle I've tried to fight for a while now.  My physical health is...well, the only way to put it is, crap, it's crap.  I lost my baby weight immediately, and dropped down to the lowest weight I had been for years, and then it all gradually came back and I feel so yucky.  Lastly, my spiritual health needs such work.  I've been tired, overworked, braindead at times, and just can't seem to figure out where to make the must-needed time for my spiritual health. I must get back to my daily quiet time.  There is such a void where it was. I move on this journey, I'll post updates and share more.  

Thanks for riding along.