Knew it was going to end...

To continue from last post...

From my lab results, there was zero indication anything would be wrong with this pregnancy.  My HCG level was 1,950 at about 2.5 weeks post ovulation (we aren't exactly sure when I ovulated), and my progesterone was 18.  That was a little on the lower end, but not concerning, so my doctor prescribed progesterone for me to use vaginally. 

On July 9th, Dusty and I went in for my first ultrasound.  I should have been about 7 1/2 weeks along.  My doctor started the ultrasound and I remembered instantly being a little worried about what I saw on the screen, but then again, we were using an older ultrasound with the little grainy screen, and not the better quality one, so I let it go.  The doctor measured the baby, and the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and 1 day, and I knew instantly something was wrong.  I expected it to be a few days off, and had even told Dusty to not be surprised if it measured a few days behind what they would initially estimate based on my last period, since I figured they would use an average cycle length of 28 days, when mine was more like 31, but I knew over a week off was not good at all.

However; my doctor did his best to reassure me, and tell me it was fine.  We did see a heartbeat, after all, so that was a good sign, and my cycles are crazy and we didn't know when I ovulated, so he said he wasn't worried, and I shouldn't either.  Easier said than done, right?

So, we went back on July 17th.  This time, the u/s was done in the room with the better quality u/s machine, and I knew instantly the baby hadn't grown.  The tech had a hard time getting a heartbeat, and wasn't able to play it, only measure it.  The heartbeat was low, in the 70s, and the baby had not grown at all. 

I instantly started crying.  I had been prepared for this, but had hoped for better news.  Instead, we were faced with this miracle pregnancy that was just going to end in a miscarriage.  Why?  Why give us this, only to rip it away?

I met with my doctor, who knew I didn't want to be there and there was nothing to say.  Unfortunately, I was in a waiting game, where we just had to go back in a week, and see if the heart stopped, and then discuss options at that point.

So that's what we did.  We went back on the 23rd.  There was no heartbeat.  Instead, there was a sac, and a spot where the baby had been, and an SCH, which I have to wonder if played a role in the miscarriage.  I met with my doctor to discuss options.  We discussed taking the medication to cause my body to expel it (cytotec), a D&C, or letting my body see if it would miscarry on its own. 

A dear friend of mine had recently gone through a miscarriage after an FET, and started off with the cytotec, had an awful experience, and ended up having an emergency D&C, so really, that was off the table for me.  I didn't want to spend hours cramping and watching my body expel the dreams that had died inside of me.  We opted for the D&C, which I had the following Thursday, July 26th. 

The D&C was typical.  No major complications.  My cervix wouldn't stop bleeding so my doctor had to put a stitch in my cervix, but nothing major.  And really, the recovery was much easier than I thought it would be with very little cramping at all.

I didn't really cry after that 2nd u/s.  I felt empty.  Looking back, I think I know when the baby's heartbeat stopped.  On Saturday the 21st, I began to feel incredibly empty.  I felt dead inside.  I'm sure that was when my baby's heart stopped beating.  It's an eerie feeling, to know you had a life inside of you, but then, it stopped, and you can almost feel it leave your body. 

I think I've felt dead inside ever since.

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