Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Month 8...18 days late

I have no idea how it is December 20th and I still haven't posted the babies' 8 month update!  That is just horrible on my end and I need to not let it happen again!!

Remington Ann

  • You are crawling EVERYWHERE!!  You are so adorable with your little body moving around, getting everywhere you want and into anything you desire!
  • You are our eater.  You absolutely love food!  
  • You are still so independent.
  • You have this cute way of wrinkling your little nose up when you smile really big and it is just adorable.
  • You are still at 5 ounces.
  • You are still in size 2 diapers.
  • You are in 6-9 month clothing.

Kanon Rockford
  • You are trying to crawl, but you just aren't there and when your sister crawls away from you, it upsets you so much.
  • You have such a sweet personality, you are so loving.
  • You like food, but aren't overly into it.
  • Your giggle is amazing!
  • You are also still at 5 1/2 ounces.
  • You are in size 3 diapers.
  • You are pretty much strictly in size 9 month clothes.

We just love you so much and can't believe you are 8 months old.  You are such a blessing to us.  We absolutely can't believe you have now been on the outside as long as you were inside.  It just blows our minds how big you are getting and we wish every day for time to slow down.  

Friday, December 9, 2016

I smiled today

Something happened today.  I went to lunch, and as I walked through the door, there was a baby carrier there, and a little boy, and as I entered the room, the little boy made a noise and I turned and looked at the little boy, and I smiled. 

I smiled.  At a baby.  A baby that isn’t mine.  For the first time in years. 

It was such a different feeling that I literally stopped and thought to myself, I just smiled and took that moment to think about how different I feel inside.  My heart, although it still aches, feels somewhat mended.  I feel like there are bandages holding it together and maybe, slowly, pieces of it are trying to grow back together. 

It literally caught me off guard that for the first time in years, my reaction to seeing a baby was to smile.  A real smile.  I didn’t cringe.  I didn’t hold back tears.  I didn’t look the other way.  I didn’t feel anger.  I didn’t feel fear over an uncertain future.  I smiled.

And then, I felt sad.  Sad for all the happiness that infertility robbed me of.  Sad for the years that I spent feeling so angry, losing myself to infertility. 

Then, my heart became so heavy for those dear friends of mine still struggling with infertility.  Still fighting.  Still cringing.  Still crying.  Still aching with empty arms.  Still half-heartedly putting up their Christmas tree going through yet another Christmas without a baby to share the magic with.  And I prayed for them. 

Infertility can destroy a person, and it nearly destroyed me.  It would have, if we didn’t have Kanon and Remington.  Oh how I hate it.