Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Forever Chandler and Paisley

Sometimes, I just feel compelled to write what is on my heart, at that very moment.  Right now, as nearly all the time, that is Chandler and Paisley. 

The saying that time heals all wounds is wrong, and stupid.  The thought that having Kanon and Remi would heal us is also wrong and stupid.  The thought that healing is even a possibility is wrong and stupid.  Period. 

I really don’t think anyone can understand the depths of pain that comes with losing a child unless you have walked that road.  There isn’t the comfort that can come with losing an older person, the thought of, well, they lived a good life, may they rest in peace.  No, that absolutely isn’t there.   Or, as with a terminal cancer patient, or a person suffering some other illness, when that person passes, there is a sense of comfort knowing they are no longer suffering.  There isn’t that, at all. 

What there is, is an eternal longing for your child or in our case, children.  Forever, we will wish Chandler and Paisley were here.  Forever, we will wonder what they would look like.  Forever, we will wonder what their personalities would be like.  Forever, we will wonder what their first words would have been.  Forever, we will wonder when they would have taken their first steps.  Forever, we will wonder who they would have grown up to be.  Forever. 

It doesn’t go away.  That longing, that heartbreak, that pain.  I can sit here today, and think about these things, and the hurt is as real today as it was October 23, 2014.  The pain in my stomach of feeling like I died when they did is still here. 

Dusty and I look at our babies and at times, the tears will just flow down our cheeks.  Tears over the love we have for them, but also tears for their brother and sister that we didn’t get to know.  Tears longing for those 2 other babies that should be running around our house right now, helping with Kanon and Remi.  Tears for everything that might have, and should have, been.

Forever we will be broken and forever, we will long for the two children that only spent mere minutes in our arms, but forever in Heaven.

Monday, July 18, 2016

3 Months!!

Geez!  It sure would be nice to get this posted before the babies are 4 months old, which is two weeks from tomorrow.  What the heck?!?!  Where does time go?  It makes me sad!

So, here it is, their 3 month post!

Kanon –
·         You are getting so big! 
·         You are taking 5 ounces now in your bottle
·         You are sleeping amazingly at night!  We started letting you sleep instead of waking you when Sissy wakes up, and you now sleep through the night.  You go to bed anywhere from 8:00 – 8:30 and you wake up anywhere from 5:30 – 6:00. 
·         You are still in newborn diapers, but I have a feeling that won’t be the case much longer as they are getting snug!  You can only wear the Huggies now as the Pampers fit smaller, so we’re saving those for Remi.
·         We’ve moved you from newborn clothes to 0-3 months.  My baby is growing up!
·         You LOVE talking!  Especially to Grammie!  You think she is the greatest and you will just grin and chat up a storm with her.  You say “I love you” in your baby-cooing language and it is ADORABLE!  We finally captured it on video and Grammie and I were thrilled to finally get it!
·         Today, on your two month birthday, you saw your first fireworks and went to SWC for the annual 3rd of July Celebration (which was on the 2nd this year since the 3rd is a Sunday).  You weren’t overly impressed by the fireworks and watched for a little bit before you feel asleep.  Oh, and you looked darling in your blue headphones to protect your sweet little ears!
·         At SWC, several people commented about how you look like your Papa Wolfe.  He would have loved you and your sister so much, and I know he is keeping Chandler & Paisley entertained in Heaven. 
·         You love your little monkeys on your swing, and will tell them you love them!  It’s so cute!
·         You have the most adorable smile.  It just melts this momma’s heart and I never want to fail you.
·         Ducky is still your favorite wub.  You will raise Ducky up and move him around, and then try so hard to put the paci back in your mouth. 

·         You pretty much hate tummy time.
You haven’t had a doctor’s visit since May 31, so our best guess on your weight is somewhere close to 11 pounds.  
·         Perhaps your favorite time is bath time!  You just love it!!

Remi –
·         Baby girl, your personality is coming to life and we love it!
·         You don’t really like to wake up in the mornings and most times, when we let you wake up on your own, it is about a 15 minute process involving lots of stretching and falling back to sleep before you finally decide you are up.
·         You take 4.5 ounces in your bottle now and do so good with feedings!  You have also started nursing a lot better when we try it, and it makes momma so happy!
·         Although Lucy was your favorite wub for a while, Paulie seems to have moved into first. 
·         You have started talking too, and you have the sweetest little voice.  You coo “I love you” and “I’m good” (or at least that is what we think it sounds like).
·         You are still in newborn diapers and newborn clothes.
·         You loved sitting on Daddy’s lap and watching the fireworks.  You just stared at them and loved every minute of them! 
·         You are so strong!  You hold your head up so well!  It amazes us. 
·         You even like to stand up on me and Daddy.  We’ll hold you up and you straighten your legs and just love standing!
·         You rolled over from your tummy to your back just a few days ago!  So proud of you!
·         You sleep through the night most nights, but occasionally still wake up anywhere from 2:30 – 4:00.
·         When you are finished eating, you do not hesitate to let us know!  You have started this “gag thing” where you make a noise like you are gagging.  It sounds like a really loud “Yack”, and it is hilarious.  You aren’t gagging, because you’ve done it when we are just starting to put the bottle in your mouth, so we know it is just your way of letting us know you are finished!  It cracks us up!

·         We guess that you weigh a little over 9 pounds.
·         Just like your brother, you LOVE bath time.  You cry instantly when we take you out!

Kanon & Remi – You truly are the light of our lives.  Although we miss Chandler & Paisley so much, you have brought us a happiness that we never knew if we would have.  You make us smile and laugh, and in those moments when we are sad that your brother and sister aren’t here, we can look at you and feel love.  I still don’t think Dusty and I understand the depths of darkness that we were in that you saved us from.  We love you, sweet babies.

P.S.  I promise to get your 4 month post done on time! 

Friday, July 8, 2016

Blog Identity

I've been struggling with where I want this blog to go.  For so long, infertility was what the blog was about.  Following that, tragically, the blog became about our sweet Chandler and Paisley, my short pregnancy with them, their deaths and our lives navigating the waters as bereaved parents.  Then again, about infertility struggles, and again about pregnancy. 

You know, a funny thing that I have never admitted to anyone, even my husband, because I was too scared...I remember being hesitant to begin blogging because at that time, I had only read a few blogs, and somehow, one of which that stood out to me that I followed the most was a blog of a woman who lost her first son.  And I remember thinking to myself, but what if we lose a baby because I blogged about our struggles to get pregnant. 


Clear as can be, I remember thinking that.  I remember feeling like I would jinx myself, that blogging would cause my pregnancy to not go well, and would lead to then having something to actually blog about, for the blog to be an emotional release for me. 

Why in the world would I think that?  Was God possibly planting the seed of what would come?  Maybe?  Do I have some weird intuition (think Trelawney from Harry Potter)?  Is that weird?  That's weird, isn't it? 

I did always have this obsession with twins, but I think most little girls do.  I felt I would have twins, always did. 

I remember playing with dolls when I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, and I named my doll Natalie.  I still remember the doll.  She was a large, plastic doll that could stand on her own.  She was maybe 18 inches tall, maybe a little taller.  She had long blonde hair, and wore a black and white gingham dress, white tights and black shoes.  I named her Natalie after the actress that played Alice in Alice in Wonderland's tv movie that had Sammy Davis Jr. in it as the caterpillar.  (I loved that movie, and practically had it memorized I watched it so much.)  I always wanted a boy doll that looked like her to be her twin and I would have named him Nathaniel.  So as a child, I remember telling my mom I wanted to have twins, a boy and a girl, and name them Natalie and Nathaniel. 

Anyway, I digress. 

I really can't tell you why I always felt I would have twins, and why I had that awful thought about my blog becoming about loss.  God?  I guess.  What else would explain it? 

So, where should this blog go now? 

I'm sure it will continue to be how I document Kanon & Remi and their progress...but I feel like it should be more.  (Not minimizing them at all, they are amazing and I love them so much, and they are the most important thing in mine and Dusty's lives...but what else could it be about?)  I hope and pray this blog has been able to reach people, and make an impact on them, and that is what I want going forward. 

Let's face it, if you have been reading my blog long, we've been through some deep stuff together.  But now that my infertility journey has ended, and we've walked through the darkest days of my life thus far (and prayerfully, every) together, I still want God to use me in some way.  I want to serve him, somehow, and I hope it continues to be through this blog.