Sometimes, I just feel compelled to write what is on my heart, at that very moment. Right now, as nearly all the time, that is Chandler and Paisley.
The saying that time heals all wounds is wrong, and stupid. The thought that having Kanon and Remi would heal us is also wrong and stupid. The thought that healing is even a possibility is wrong and stupid. Period.
I really don’t think anyone can understand the depths of pain that comes with losing a child unless you have walked that road. There isn’t the comfort that can come with losing an older person, the thought of, well, they lived a good life, may they rest in peace. No, that absolutely isn’t there. Or, as with a terminal cancer patient, or a person suffering some other illness, when that person passes, there is a sense of comfort knowing they are no longer suffering. There isn’t that, at all.
What there is, is an eternal longing for your child or in our case, children. Forever, we will wish Chandler and Paisley were here. Forever, we will wonder what they would look like. Forever, we will wonder what their personalities would be like. Forever, we will wonder what their first words would have been. Forever, we will wonder when they would have taken their first steps. Forever, we will wonder who they would have grown up to be. Forever.
It doesn’t go away. That longing, that heartbreak, that pain. I can sit here today, and think about these things, and the hurt is as real today as it was October 23, 2014. The pain in my stomach of feeling like I died when they did is still here.
Dusty and I look at our babies and at times, the tears will just flow down our cheeks. Tears over the love we have for them, but also tears for their brother and sister that we didn’t get to know. Tears longing for those 2 other babies that should be running around our house right now, helping with Kanon and Remi. Tears for everything that might have, and should have, been.
Forever we will be broken and forever, we will long for the two children that only spent mere minutes in our arms, but forever in Heaven.