Forever Chandler and Paisley
Sometimes, I just feel compelled to write what is on my
heart, at that very moment. Right now,
as nearly all the time, that is Chandler and Paisley.
The saying that time heals all wounds is wrong, and
stupid. The thought that having Kanon
and Remi would heal us is also wrong and stupid. The thought that healing is even a
possibility is wrong and stupid.
Period.
I really don’t think anyone can understand the depths of
pain that comes with losing a child unless you have walked that road.
There isn’t the comfort that can come with losing an older person, the
thought of, well, they lived a good life, may they rest in peace. No, that absolutely isn’t there. Or, as with a terminal cancer patient, or a
person suffering some other illness, when that person passes, there is a sense
of comfort knowing they are no longer suffering. There isn’t that, at all.
What there is, is an eternal longing for your child or in
our case, children. Forever, we will
wish Chandler and Paisley were here.
Forever, we will wonder what they would look like. Forever, we will wonder what their
personalities would be like. Forever, we
will wonder what their first words would have been. Forever, we will wonder when they would have
taken their first steps. Forever, we
will wonder who they would have grown up to be.
Forever.
It doesn’t go away.
That longing, that heartbreak, that pain. I can sit here today, and think about these
things, and the hurt is as real today as it was October 23, 2014. The pain in my stomach of feeling like I died
when they did is still here.
Dusty and I look at our babies and at times, the tears
will just flow down our cheeks. Tears
over the love we have for them, but also tears for their brother and sister
that we didn’t get to know. Tears
longing for those 2 other babies that should be running around our house right
now, helping with Kanon and Remi. Tears
for everything that might have, and should have, been.
Forever we will be broken and forever, we will long for the
two children that only spent mere minutes in our arms, but forever in Heaven.
My heart still hurts for you. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteTheir loss will never go away, and you should never feel pressure to "move on" or "get over it." They have forever impacted you and Dusty and that ache will be there until your dying day because they so profoundly affected you. They changed you. As you write, no one "can understand the depths of pain that comes with losing a child unless you have walked that road." I do not know what you're going through - I cannot even begin to imagine. But I do know one thing: you can always, always keep talking about them - even 20 years from now - without feeling guilty or wrong. In fact, doing this, actively keeping a close connection to them - even introducing Kanon and Remi to them. Not only is it not weird, but it is healthy. I'm sure I've sent this to you before, but check out http://www.rememberingpractices.com/.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you - all six of you. <3