Tuesday, January 28, 2014

New Year - New Attitude

So, in the past - I have posted about being very angry with God, and being very discouraged, and just heartbroken.  I still have days when I feel like that, but I am trying to work on it, and have a better attitude. 

A couple of things have happened in my life over the last couple of months that have made me realize that, while I may feel this way, I need to not let it consume me, and I need to remember that God really does have a plan, whatever it may be.

To start with, I had been feeling very discouraged and depressed, and alone.  Yes, I have Dusty, and he is absolutely amazing, so I don't mean alone as in, not having him to talk to, but alone as in not having somebody else to talk to that has been through this before.  Well, a few months ago, a girl that I'm friends with on Facebook that I know from high school posted about having her son through IVF.  I remember when I saw her post that I was intrigued and wondered if she might be somebody I could talk to if Dusty and I end up going through that process.  I kind of made a mental note, and then filed it away. 

About a month, maybe 2, after I saw her post, this friend commented on one of my pictures, somewhat out of the blue.  This friend and I have known each other since high school, like I mentioned, but I wouldn't say we were ever close friends.  I remember her being one of the nicest people I knew in high school, and she would always say hi to me when we'd see each other, but we didn't hang out in the same circles, so we weren't close.  So, when she commented on my picture, it just kind of said something to me, and made me remember that she may be somebody I could talk to about our infertility struggles.

So, a few more weeks went by, and at a point where I was feeling especially depressed, I decided to reach out to this friend and I am so thankful I did.  I started by simply asking her if she would mind telling me where she had IVF at, because, if I have to go that route, I'll be referred to a specialist in Little Rock, which has mixed reviews online.  When she replied, I was nearly giddy to find out that she went to the same clinic I go to, and had her IVF at the specialist I would be referred to!  Then, this friend gave me so much insight and comfort, I was so glad I reached out to her.  We exchanged several Facebook messages, and in doing so, I shared with her a link to my blog.  At that point, one of my recent posts had been about Dusty and I traveling so often.  She read this, and then, this part literally made me cry when I read it, she sent me a message telling me that I had been on her mind ever since she commented on my picture (about 6 weeks earlier) and that she wondered if Dusty and I were struggling with infertility because she had noticed we had taken several trips and her and her husband did the same thing while they were trying to have a baby.  She said that Dusty and I reminder her of her and her husband, and it just stood out to her. 

I mean, just wow!  I still get goose bumps thinking about that!  Although that may just seem to be a coincidence, I do truly feel like that was God showing me that he was in control, and he was involved in this situation and was working on things that I have no idea about.  Even her doing something as simple as telling me that was so reassuring to me, and I'm so thankful for her!  We plan to go to dinner sometime soon so we can discuss more of what she went through and how she felt, and how I'm doing, and so forth.  Due to weather and holidays, and now my workload, we haven't had a chance to yet, but I know we will.

So, as I said above, a couple of things have happened that have helped me realize my attitude needed to be adjusted.  The second of which was lunch with a dear friend that I have known since college.  We haven't spent a lot of time together the last few years, but I do consider her and her husband good friends, and she is somebody who I have always admired for her faith and relationship with God.  Well, she and I went to lunch together and she really gave me some things to think about.  In about the nicest, most sincere way possible, this friend asked me if I had every had anything really test my faith before, and, without coming right out and asking, she helped me see that I need to step back and reevaluate my faith and my relationship with God. 

During lunch, she shared several stories of friends that have gone through similar struggles.  We talked about how it's ok to be angry with God, but at the end of the day, I need to trust that what I'm going through is God's plan, for whatever reason, and I need to keep my faith in that, as hard and difficult as that is.  She pointed out that I've never really been tested before, and this might possibly be something Dusty and I are being put through in order to strengthen and build our relationship with God, to get it to where it really needs to be. 

I think, if I could have ever stopped being angry, I knew these things, deep down, but I thank God that this friend and I have a good enough relationship that she could say these things to me, and I took no offense to it at all.  It was really an incredibly eye-opening lunch, and gave me something to think about every single day since that lunch. 

So, that being said, I'm so thankful that God put each of these friends in my life, and I'm trying each and every day to really trust that whatever happens is God's plan.  It's very hard to do, and some days, my prayer is that God just helps me get through the day, but I am trying.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Waiting Game...

So...how's it going?  Good?  That's good...how am I?  Oh, you know, just sitting here...still trying to get pregnant. 

I'm long overdue for posting an update about what's going on in my TTC world.  So...since I last updated, which was after my 2nd failed IUI, Dusty and I decided we wanted to take one cycle off.  Well...that cycle ended up being around 45 days long.  I have no idea why.  My doctor doesn't know why.  We have no idea what's going on.  So, when I finally did start again, after taking one cycle off, I called my doctor and we hoped to do another IUI this cycle.  I went in for my first ultrasound a week ago Monday and had small follicles on both sides, but both were very small compared to where they should be at that point in my cycle.  Dr. P thought that may make sense given the longer cycles I've had recently, so she had me come back last Thursday for another ultrasound.  {By the way, sadly, I was talking to a friend who recently had a transvaginal ultrasound, and realized that I've completely lost track of how many I've had.  If I thought about it, I could probably figure it out, but as I was having that conversation with her, I realized I have no idea.}  Well, my follicles really hadn't grown at all as of last Thursday.  So, Dr. P had me test to see if I ovulated over the weekend, which I didn't.  I called her nurse yesterday and told her I didn't get a positive ovulation detection over the weekend.  So...no IUI this cycle. 

The nurse told me there is a small chance I may ovulate in the next few days, but it's not likely.  She then told me if I didn't start by cycle day 35 to call and get yet another prescription to get my period to start.  I don't understand what is going on with my body.  It scares me.  It just is bizarre how my cycles have become so long since our first IUI try.  It doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, that is an update in our TTC journey right now.  I really don't know what will happen, given it is my busiest time at work, and I can't take much time off.  I could always make time for the ultrasounds, but the actually IUI procedure takes a few hours and honestly, we aren't supposed to take any time off between January and April 15th.  Being completely honest, my boss would understand and it probably wouldn't be an issue, but how many times can I say, yeah, Dusty and I are trying to get pregnant, like, literally, tomorrow, so I need a few hours off.  *sigh*  I just don't know what will happen over the next few months.  I hope as we are at the point where we need to make decisions, what we should do will be clear to us.

Friday, January 3, 2014

2013...The Highlights

Can you believe 2013 is over already?  It absolutely flew by.  What a year it was.  Although this year was filled with heartbreak and disappointment, there were also some good times.  Here's the highlights of our year.

We started the year and, like all other years, my life was pretty much consumed by work from January until the end of April.  So...skipping forward...

In the middle of April, I surprised Dusty by having his family surprise him by coming down to join him for the heart walk.  This may have been one of the best highlights of my entire year.  Dusty had no idea his family was coming down, and his sister, Darcie, and her husband, along with their son and two nieces showed up, had the kiddos ring the doorbell, and surprise Dusty.  Then about 30 minutes later, Dusty's mom, sister Autumn, her husband and daughter showed up and surprised him again!  The video below is the video I took of Dusty opening the door to see his nieces and nephew (please excuse my horribly annoying laugh).

April ended with Dusty and I spending a long weekend in Little Rock watching Summer dance in Talent on Parade's regional competition, in which she took the TOP Entertainer award.  Summer would later in the year win TOP's overall grand national championship, which was incredible!  She's such an amazing dancer, and is so blessed with talent. 

In June, we had our 2nd annual sibling weekend with Dusty's family at the Lake of the Ozarks.  Let me tell you, that is always a crazy fun weekend!!  Dusty and I get the chance to spend time with his family, which includes 3 nieces and 1 nephew, and it is a blast!  There were 12 of us staying in one condo (it did have 5 bedrooms & 3 bathrooms), and it was so much fun.  Hopefully we'll eventually have some kids to add to the mix.

In July, Dusty and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary by taking a vacation to Aruba.  This was such an amazing trip.  Our friend and travel agent, Beach Bum Sarah, picked an amazing resort for us and we were able to relax and just enjoy each other.  While in Aruba, we made great friends, Theresa and Anthony, who live in NYC.  We had a blast with them, and plan to visit them in NYC in 2014. 

In August, we adopted two adorable puppies, Banjo and Winston!  They are so much fun!!  Dusty and I just love coming home and playing with them every night. 

In September, all of my family ended up being home around my birthday, so I was blessed enough to celebrate my 31st birthday with all of my family at our new house.  It was so great to spend my birthday with everyone at our new house.  Also in September, Dusty and I traveled to Vegas to the Straight No Chaser - Chaser Summit.  We met great friends there (Patrice, I'm looking at you) that I know we'll have for many years!  We're very much looking forward to the 2014 Summit to reconnect with all of the friends we made in Las Vegas. 

In October, we took a quick weekend trip to take Dusty's mom to an SNC concert in Omaha for her birthday.  We had a great, but short, visit with his family.

In November, Dusty and I went to Nashville to see SNC in concert at the Ryman.  We have always talked about going to Nashville for a long weekend, so when SNC was playing at the Ryman, we figured that was the perfect opportunity.  While there, we met some other fabulous Chasers, two of which live in Nashville, and three Chasers that had flown down from New Jersey to see SNC!  We ended up hanging out with them and having dinner with our Chaser friends both nights we were in Nashville. 

December concluded with one more SNC road trip, this time to Evansville, Indiana.  Unfortunately, because of the stupid winter weather, we didn't make it up to see Dusty's family for Chistmas, which was sad, but I am thankful that we spent time with them a few other times this year.  Dusty and I spent Christmas morning together, and then visited his aunt's Christmas evening and spent a couple of hours playing games and hanging out with his family that lives down here near us.  We celebrated Christmas with most of my family on New Year's Day, so our Christmas has felt like it's last a while, which is ok with me, it is one of my favorite times of the year (although this year was pretty tough). 

So, that was our 2013 in a nutshell.  I'm sure there are other highlights that I have left out, since the idea for this post started about 30 minutes ago!  :) 

I promise I'm not trying to keep anyone in the dark about our TTC status, and I will post an update soon.  The truth is, I'm not really sure what the status is right now, and as soon as I know, I'll share.  And before anyone wonders, no, unfortunately I'm not pregnant.