Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Something as simple as an s...

I received a text from my husband last night (I'm out of town for a work thing).  His text broke my heart.  It was a screen shot of a comment his mother made, about how she loves all her granddaughters, daughters, grandson...

Grandson.  As in one.  As in, she only has one grandson.  She has two.  One adorable little guy here, and one amazing little boy in Heaven. 

Forgetting Chandler also means she forgot Paisley.  They come together.

Did she mean anything by it? No. But isn't that the point? She so easily left them out. She didn't think anything of it...she didn't think anything of them.


My husband told me how seeing that post broke his heart, made him feel sucker punched, and how he felt like he needed to puke.  I asked him if he wanted me to text her and ask her nicely to change it.  He said yes.  He was too upset to communicate with her directly.

I messaged her and asked, very nicely, if she could simply edit the post to include an "s" at the end of grandson.  I didn't say it, but honestly, if she would have done that, all would be forgotten.  I'd let go the fact that she left out mine and Dusty's babies.  I'd even let her get away with saying it was a slip, that she meant to (even though I'd know it was a lie, I'd still just let it go). 

But could she do that?  No...she in turn, ignored me, and asked Dusty if he was "really" upset.  Like I lied.  And then with the best 4 year-old response ever, said she'd delete the comment and never post again.

Fine...whatever. 

The point of all this is...as angel parents, we face so many things that just plain hurt us.  Intentionally or not, it hurts.  People forget our babies.  They don't get included in counts of grandbabies, nieces or nephews, cousins, etc.  Their lives were so short, people just don't even think about them. 

And as angel parents, that is the worse nightmare ever, seeing our babies being left out, being forgotten, being overlooked.  The one thing we want is for them to be remembered forever, and when we see it not happen, it is a stab to our hearts.

*disclaimer - I'm writing this with full knowledge that she will likely read this, and that's fine.  It's my blog, it's my feelings, I'd tell her to her face if she was sitting here.  Is this passive?  Sure.  Do I care?  No.  So before anyone criticizes me and says I'm too passive aggressive, I've tried the direct approach with her, it doesn't work, so...if I want to vent on my blog, I will vent on my blog.  I'll air my dirty laundry for all to enjoy.  Ha!*

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Chandler Charles - One Year in Heaven

Our Strong Chandler Boy,

Like your sister has as of yesterday, as of this morning, you have now experienced one year in Heaven.  We can't help but wonder what you look like.  We pray you are still a little baby so we can experience you "growing up" in Heaven.

It's funny, you and Paisley look so very much alike, but at the same time, we see so much of your Daddy in you.  You have your Daddy's nose and your Daddy's enormous feet!  In one ultrasound, you liked to show them off, and stuck your foot right up for us to see just how big your feet already were.  Taking after your Daddy for sure!

Chandler, you were always so chill and calm in the ultrasounds.  You are so much like your Daddy.  How we wish so badly you were hear so we could see the similarities in your personalities.  

Sweet Chandler.  You were such a strong little boy, just like the families you were named after.  How we wish you were here to carry on those legacies, but oh sweet Chandler, how your name is known and spoke by so many people.  You are doing those names so proud.  We are so proud of you, strong boy.  

Mommy & Daddy love and miss you so much, our son.  

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Paisley Joan - One Year in Heaven

Our Sassy Paisley Girl -

As of tonight, you have spent one year in Heaven.  We can only imagine what a year it has been for you.  One thing we do know is there is no suffering, no tears, no sorrow, no pain for you, our sweet little baby girl.  We know we will see you again.

You are our sassy little girl.  You liked to not show us if you were a girl or not, and then once you were born, your first nurse, Christine, said you were sassy because you liked to keep your legs crossed, with one ankle resting on your other knee.  

You looked so much like your mommy.  We miss you so much.  We miss watching you kick your brother on the ultrasound screen.  One of our favorite memories is when you kicked your own face during our anatomy scan, and then reached up with your little hand and started rubbing your face after you kicked it.  

You were such a strong, tiny little girl.  You made Mommy & Daddy so proud of you.  You have touched so many lives, one of which being your second nurse, Kaci.  She tells us how much you and your brother's precious little lives meant to her.  Know sweet Paisley girl, that while you were only here for a little over a day, you have made more than a lifetime of impact on so many people.

Mommy & Daddy love and miss you every single day, sweet baby girl.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Happy Birthday, Our Sweet Babies

Our sweet Chandler & Paisley,

We can't believe it has been a year since we met you.  October 20, 2014, at 3:06 and 3:10 pm.  You both came into this world an immediately proved how strong you both were.  

The amazing NICU team was able to give us time to spend with you, to talk to you, and to learn so much about you in your short time.

We wish so badly that we were planning for your first birthday party in a couple of months, rather than spending the day reading sweet and uplifting messages from friends and family, and crying.  We miss you both so much.  You should be here.  This isn't how your first birthday should be spent.

If we could go back and change things, we'd give everything in the world to have you here.  You made our lives so complete, so happy.  For the first time in years, we experienced happiness.  We could not wait to bring you home.

Sweet babies, you have touched so many lives.  You touched the lives of so many people who never had the privilege to meet you, know you, speak your name, and remember you, not just today, but when you paint their sky a gorgeous blue and pink, as well as other times.  Babies, you are so loved, by so many. 

We promise to live our lives to honor you both, to keep your little memories alive, and to continue to touch others by your memories.

Mommy & Daddy love and miss you so very much.  Happy first birthday, Itty & Bitty.