Monday, March 30, 2015

March for Babies

Dusty and I have this overwhelming need to do anything and everything we possibly can to make Chandler and Paisley's little lives here on earth mean as much as possible.  We have dreams of eventually beginning a foundation in their names, and use it to promote infertility awareness, and infant loss awareness.  We have the desire to purchase a cuddle cot and donate it to our local NICU (a cuddle cot is a cooling device which allows parents to hold their children and spend more time with their children, after their children have passed, which, to most, may seem morbid, but trust me, if you knew you were never going to hold your children again, you would hold on to them for as long as possible, and this extends that time).  We want to do so many things, eventually.

For now, one of the things we are doing, is participating in our local March for Babies on Saturday, April 4.  Our team has done amazing!  I can't thank our family and friends enough, for all of the love and support they have shown us, including donations for our March.  It touches our hearts so much.  My work has joined as Team BKD for C & P, and will all be at the walk as well.  We've ordered team shirts (tie-dyed pink and blue, of course), and are all so excited to participate in such a great cause. 

Here is the photo for our march page.  It is one of our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures, and one I will cherish forever.  Love our sweet little babies so much.

Our team page is  After the walk, I'll be sure to post pictures. 

Thanks to everyone who has donated, bought a shirt, and joined our team! 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I don't know how to pray for that

I believe in the power of prayer.  Did praying for my pregnancy and my babies save them?  No.  It didn't.  Have I stopped praying?  To be perfectly honest, for a while, yes, I did.  I've had some very real internal struggles about praying, and what the point is.  I'm not going to lie.  But, at this point, I feel like prayer has a point, and am trying to hold onto that.

A friend of mine and Dusty's recently asked Dusty to pray for him and his family in their current situation.  And my first thought when my husband told me what he wanted us to pray for was, "I don't know how to pray for that."  I truly didn't know if it was something I could pray for. 

This man is a great guy.  He came to my dad's funeral.  He reached out to Dusty when we lost the babies and shared that he and his former wife had walked in our same shoes.  He gave us advice.  He's just one of those guys that you just love being around. 

So what couldn't I pray for?  The fact that his 15 year-old daughter is pregnant. 

How do I pray for that?  How do I pray for that family, when we've been denied having the very thing that is causing their "situation"?  How do I pray for that when it is a slap in the face? 

I honestly don't know.  Does that make me a selfish person?  Perhaps.  Should I pray for this family?  Yes, without a doubt I should.  Can I?  I don't know.  I know, deep down, I should.  This family is struggling and going through a very difficult situation.  But the unfairness of it all just hurts so much.  It's honestly like a punch in the gut even thinking about it. 

I am going to try to pray for them.  I feel bad not.  It's not the Christian thing to do, and not praying for them is definitely the human thing to do.  If this is a test of my faith, I willingly admit, this is hard, and I'm not sure I'm going to pass it. 

I just don't know how to pray for that.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Locust

I haven't posted in a while about anything related to my current health situation.  My current health situation frustrates me and beats me down to no end.

I've found the locust.  If the rest of the plagues come, I'm not sure I will survive. 

I alluded to surgery in my previous post.  On the 24th, I had a hysteroscopy to remove what turned out to be placenta tissue from my uterus...4 months after giving birth.  I just can't even imagine that having placenta tissue in my uterus that long without there being babies attached to it is very good.  I also have had some weird hang up in the back of my mind about finally having the last bit of the Bitties removed, but I keep trying to push it away because, well, it's just morbid and stupid. 

So, that being said, I had surgery last week.  Dusty and I had to go to Little Rock for the surgery.  The day before, winter weather tried it's best to prevent us making it.  I actually woke up in the middle of the night the night before feeling sick, so I stayed home from work on the 23rd, which was my due date.  During the day, my doctor actually called me to ask if we were still making it, and gave me an update on what the current weather was doing.  I told him we'd be there, and then called Dusty, who headed home from work around 1:00 so we could get to Little Rock well before dark, since it was snowing, on top of ice already on the ground.  The trip started kind of iffy, but we made it without any problems.  We checked into the hotel, and then went out to eat together.  It was nice, to just be with Dusty and be sad about our babies. 

The next morning, we arrived at the hospital around 6:55 and got checked in for the surgery.  I once again was put under with propofol and once again, it hurt like crazy.  This time, my IV was in my hand and the pain started there and went up my arm.  I remember telling them it hurt and then knew they couldn't do anything about it, and started breathing in from the mask faster so I could just get under quicker. 

The surgery took about 25 minutes.  The doctor came out and updated Dusty and said it went well.  He showed Dusty before and after pictures, and how the tissue had taken up my entire uterus.  The doctor said it'd be sent to pathology and they would call us in a few days to update us with the results and next steps. 

I wasn't too overly sore from the surgery.  Really, my throat hurt worse than anything, from the tube being down my throat.  I took pain pills and rested on Wednesday, then went back to work Thursday and Friday.  However; Saturday, I woke up and felt awful.  I decided I must have some irritation from the surgery still, and took my pain pills (which contained ibuprofen) around the clock over the weekend and started feeling better on Sunday.

Monday of this week, I received the call from the doctor.  It turns out that in addition to the tissue being placenta tissue, the pathology report also showed that I have endometritis, or inflammation/infection in the lining of the uterus.  Great...(hence the locust). 

I'm not really surprised.  After all, having the placenta tissue in my uterus for 4 months surely isn't good.   I was prescribed an antibiotic to take for the next two weeks.  The antibiotic has already taken a toll on me, as I didn't eat enough with it yesterday morning and got sick at work, to the point where (TMI warning...) I started throwing up blood.  I felt so terrible, I decided to go home and call my doctor's office.  The nurse called me back and told me that she figured the blood was from my throat still being irritated from the surgery.  She also told me with this antibiotic, I need to be sure to take it with a good sized meal, because it is really hard on the stomach.

So...that's an update on my health.  It honestly all sucks and I've been so down the past couple of days.  I miss my children and I just want them back.  I don't want any of these health issues (and medical bills), I just want to be exhausted from having newborn twins.