Tuesday, November 25, 2014

A Chandler & Paisley Sky

If you are reading this, then you see that I've changed my blog look.  I wanted to change it to be something less about me, and more about our babies.  So, I asked Faith at A Design of Faith to give me something new and I absolutely love it!

So...what is "a Chandler & Paisley sky" and what does it mean? 

While we were still pregnant, Dusty's friend and former co-worker, Julie, would send Dusty pics of the sky when it was pink and blue and would tell him it reminded her of our babies.  We loved that.   It made us smile and loved seeing little reminders of our babies.  Since we've lost our babies, that reminder has meant even more to us than it did before, than it ever would have before. 

One of my first days back to work, I was still home getting ready, and Dusty was on his way to work.  He looked at the sky, and saw it was pink and blue.  He sent me the picture and called it a Chandler and Paisley sky.  I didn't leave the house for a few more minutes, and when I did, the sky had already changed and I missed it.  However; that night, on my way home from work, our beautiful angels had painted the sky pink and blue for us again, so I could see it too.  I called my mom and told her to look towards the sky and told her it was a Chandler and Paisley sky.  She told me our babies are telling us hi and that they are ok.  I think so too.

That same day, Dusty got a message from Julie who saw both the morning and evening skies.  She told him that when she walked out the door from her office, she literally said, Oh Dusty and Michelle, as she saw the sky. 

Since that day, we've shared on facebook about seeing our babies' sky.  I can't even tell you the number of friends that have shared with us pictures and messages about seeing a Chandler and Paisley sky and how, every time the sky looks like that, they think of our babies.  We've had friends from Florida, NYC, Arizona, Michigan, Texas, and all points in between tell us they had a Chandler & Paisley sky and they thought of our babies. 

This touches our hearts so much.  Our babies were here but for such a short period of time, and to know that they are loved and remembered by so many means so much to us.  We can't even describe it.  It's our sense of pride of our children, I guess, to know others think of them, and remember those sweet babies. 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

I Miss...

Our babies.  I miss our babies. 

I miss the morning sickness, that really was all day sickness.

I miss the need for Kleenex constantly.

I miss the need for the jumbo-size Tums we had just bought. 

I miss the daily bloody noses I would get.

I miss needing the body pillow my sister-in-law bought me for my birthday.

I miss the struggle I had trying to shave my legs.

I miss looking down and seeing my "bittie" belly.

I miss reaching down and feeling my belly, knowing I was placing my hands on my children.

I miss asking Dusty if I could have a certain type of food.  He kept track and always looked up what I could and couldn't have. 

I miss Dusty tracking my cravings in a note on his phone. 

I miss the text messages from my sweet husband that would end with, "momma".

I miss the days when I just didn't feel like wearing my high heels, and had to let everyone at work really see how short I was by wearing flats.

I miss my maternity clothes.

I miss being able to see pregnant women, or babies, without feeling that pain of jealousy and longing. 

I miss watching tv and seeing baby toy commercials and saying to Dusty that I wanted this or that for Chandler and Paisley.  I had just seen a commercial for a leap frog car track toy and told Dusty that Chandler absolutely had to have that.

I miss watching Say Yes to the Dress and telling Dusty "if Kleinfield is still open when Paisley gets married, I'm totally taking her to New York City and buying her dress there".  I miss the thought of Dusty giving her away. 

I miss hearing Dusty's plans to take our children with him on "Daddy dates".

I miss the struggle to get up off our deep couch.

I miss not being able to sleep on my tummy.

I miss the calf cramps that would wake me up in the middle of the night crying and screaming for Dusty to make them go away.

I miss taking the prenatal vitamins.

I miss planning their nursery and going in there and being so excited to see their cribs and their presents. 

I miss people touching my belly.  It only happened twice, but I still miss it. 

I miss the reaction I would get when somebody would ask me when I was due and responding with "They are due February 23".

I miss going to the bathroom 20 times a day, and holding my breath every single time, until I made sure there was no blood on the tissue or in the toilet.

I miss the way my belly would rub the steering wheel as I drove, until I realized I absolutely had to tilt my steering wheel up to be able to drive.

I miss having to make sure the lap belt was below my belly, so nothing potentially hurt our babies. 

I miss how my hands automatically would go to my belly and caress and hold our little loves.

I miss how excited my mom was about her new grandbabies.  She found so many twin videos that she shared on Facebook.  Mom was so excited, and once she got over the shock of us having twins, she was just thrilled for us. 

I miss the way my amazing husband would look at me and smile this smile that I had never seen before on his face.  It was this look of absolutely pure happiness, with a little pride added.  Dusty told me so many times how happy he was to see my belly and how he loved it.  I miss that. 

I miss having our babies to look forward to.

I miss happiness.  We were finally happy.  For the first time in a very long time.  Truly happy. 

Mostly, I miss our babies. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

What You Both Gave Us

Our sweet children, Chandler and Paisley.  We love you so very much.  Thank you for all of the things you gave us.  Nothing will ever take these things away.

You Gave Us...

The titles of Mom and Dad.  Although we never got to hear your sweet little voices say that to us, because of the two of you, we are now parents, to the sweetest, most beautiful angels.

A pregnancy announcement.  And what a joy it was.  We loved spending a Saturday morning with our friend Chris, posing for pictures we never thought we'd take, carrying around a frame with the sweet onesies from our friend Liz, that we wish you could have worn.  There were many days when we didn't know if we would ever have a reason to take those pictures, and you, our loves, gave us that reason.

A gender reveal party that we shared with our family.  We still have the video where I can hear my sweet mother's voice say with such excitement, "One boy and one girl!"  We had so much fun planning that party for you both.  Because of an "oops" by the ultrasound tech at the emergency room, we knew what you both were, and although originally, we didn't plan on knowing until we opened the boxes containing the balloons, we were so thrilled to know, and so happy we were having a boy and girl.  It was our little secret for 9 days, and we loved it!  It was so much fun to tell everybody after the reveal what your names were.  Summer asked me before the reveal what your names were, and then realized that would give it away.  We had quite the laugh about that. 

A reason to pin baby things on a baby board on Pinterest that wasn't titled "Someday" and instead, was titled "Finally!!  Baby times 2!!".

A nursery to paint, twice!  I planned to tell the story on here once the nursery was finished.  We picked out a gray colored paint, and while I was away in Las Vegas for work, Dusty painted the nursery the color we picked out.  I came home, and walked in, so excited to see it, but when I did, I couldn't hide my disappointment as it was just too blue.  It was pretty, but it was blue.  We waited and looked again in the morning, hoping it would be more gray in natural light, but we knew better, and in the morning, it was still blue.  Your sweet daddy was out of work at the time, and did such a great job on it, that I hated telling him I wanted it repainted.  We thought maybe once we got the cribs in the nursery, it would look more gray.  It didn't...it only became bluer.  I knew that just wouldn't do for our sweet Paisley, although I'm sure our tough Chandler would have preferred it!  So...we ended up painting it the same gray color as the office right across the hallway!  But, not until after we removed all the tape, put back all the outlet covers, and set up the cribs.  That's ok though, we'd tape and paint that room a million times if it meant getting it perfect for the two of you!

The chance to go to Target and pick out baby things.  For the first time in years, we walked into the baby section without a pain deep inside.  Instead, we were overjoyed.

The joy of shopping for the perfect coordinating boy and girl outfits.  We bought you, Chandler, this perfect, knit blue romper, with a cute pattern across the chest.  It was navy blue, with a gray pattern.  With it, we found the cutest little beret for you to cover your head with.  For you, Paisley, we bought the cutest little navy blue lace dress, with tights, and sparkly blue shoes.  The dress was sleeveless though, and at Carter's, we just assumed they were out of the newborn size gray cardigans they had hanging with your dress.  We thought we'd just order it online when we got home.  Of course, as soon as we got home, we looked it up to discover it started at size 3 months.  I asked your grandma to be on the look out for a gray cardigan for you.  She told me last Friday that she looked and looked for one, but hadn't found one yet.  We would have found one for you. 

The thrill of having a baby shower.  My co-workers threw us a baby shower on October 4th and what a shower it was.  We had the cutest cakes, which were made to look like baby butts, with your names on them.  We received the most amazing gifts.  My co-workers were so thrilled for me to finally be pregnant, and you could feel the love from them all at the shower.  They were so anxious to meet you.  We even played a game where we guessed what date you would arrive, and those calendars were hung up in each of my offices in the break room, waiting to see who would win. 

Your grandma a reason to give me the outfits that my brothers and nephews, myself and Summer all had our pictures taken in at 6 months old.  For you, Chandler, it's an adorable little blue checked outfit, and for you, Paisley, it's a blue dress with lace trim.  Your grandma brought these to my work shower and surprised us with them.  We talked about how happy we were that we get to have pictures with both outfits and how we didn't have to wonder any more about which outfit we'd need, we needed both!!

Happiness.  Chandler and Paisley, for the first time in a very long time, you gave us happiness.  We can't even describe the joy you gave us.  I'm not sure we'll ever be as happy as we were when we knew the two of you were growing inside of me.  I shared your picture with a coworker, and as I did, I said how badly we wanted the two of you.  She said, we all did, and then she said, those babies brought so much happiness in their short time.  It touched me so much to hear her say that to me.  You brought happiness not only to your family, but to others that knew you. 

A reason to live.  When infertility seemed to have beaten us down until we could take it no more, you both were that second line on the pregnancy test, and with that, we now had so much to live for. 

And now, our sweet babies, you have given us an even greater desire to go to Heaven and be reunited with you, our precious angels.  We love you more than we can even describe.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Our Babies - What We Never Want To Forget

In my previous post, I said I didn't know when I'd blog again.  I found something I wanted to blog about. 

A lot of people use their blogs to document little things they want to remember about their children.  I had the same intentions. 

Although we only had a few short hours with our babies, there is so much we want to remember about them.

  • First and foremost, they were fighters!  They were so strong.  The neonatologist and doctor didn't think they'd survive birth, or if they did, didn't think they could be intubated, but they did and were!
  • Chandler's APGAR score was a 7, Paisley's was a 6.  More testament to how strong they were!
  • They were born 4 minutes apart, at 3:06 and 3:10, with strong Chandler showing Paisley the way.
  • The NICU brought in a nurse named Christine to take care of Paisley the first night.  Christine told me when I first went to the NICU that Paisley liked to keep her legs curled up, and was a sassy girl, with at one point, having her ankle on her opposite knee.  Paisley made it difficult for Christine to measure her length. 
  • Dusty got to reach in and touch Chandler the first time he saw him.  Chandler curled his little fingers around Dusty's finger.
  • Dusty has this weird space between his big toe and his other toes.  Our children have that same space.  Dusty says he feels sorry for them.  I told him I had no idea that would be hereditary.
  • I got to see Paisley before I left the operating room, I remember thinking she was so tiny and so red.
  • When Paisley was born, she tried to cry.
  • Paisley has my nose and lips.
  • Paisley has Dusty's long fingers.
  • Chandler is a bigger version of Paisley, but with a slightly different nose.  More like Dusty's. 
  • Chandler has his daddy's feet...they make Paisley's look so tiny.
  • Chandler has his daddy's strong arms and big hands.  We have a picture of Chandler and Paisley that we took, and in it, Chandler's arm is outside of his blanket, and his shoulder and arm look so strong, and just like Dusty's.
  • Chandler's head looks just like my dad's. 
  • The neonatologist told us that Paisley was the smallest baby they'd had born alive at the hospital, and probably one of the smallest across the country.
  • Paisley's forehead is shaped just like Dusty's.
  • Chandler loved laying with his arms up by his head, just like Dusty.
  • They look so much a like.  Dusty and I were so tickled at how alike they look.  My mom and Dusty visited the babies before I was able to go.  Mom came back and told me how much the babies looked alike.  It made us all so happy. 
Dusty and I think our babies are absolutely beautiful.  Dusty said to me that we make beautiful babies.  We had only a few short hours here, on Earth, with our babies.  We held them, we talked to them, we loved them so very much.  We prayed they would be miracles, that they would continue to be miracles, but God has a different plan.  We miss them so much. 

Our babies are our whole world, all of our happiness.  What we lived for.  All of our love.