Monday, April 20, 2015

Six Months

Six months ago, mine & Dusty’s beautiful children were born, 18 weeks too early. 

Six months ago, I first looked at the faces of my beautiful babies. 
Six months ago, my children entered this world, and fought so very hard, and tried, so hard, to live. 
Six months ago, I went to a doctor’s appointment at 9:15, and by 9:45, learned I was dilated to a 4, and was in labor. 
Six months ago, I was admitted to the hospital, and measures were taken to stop my labor. 
Six months ago, I texted my sister-in-law, and asked her to come to the hospital. 
Six months ago, I called my mom and asked her to come to the hospital (which I still have no recollection of). 
Six months ago, I called Dusty and told him to stay at work, and that I’d see him at 5:00, and would be in the hospital for the next several weeks.  Thank goodness he ignored that.
Six months ago was the worst 3 days of mine & Dusty’s life. 
Six months living without our children, wishing at times, we were with them in Heaven, and not here.
How has half a year gone by since Chandler Charles and Paisley Joan came into this world, and left so quickly, too quickly, a lifetime too soon.  We miss our Bitties so badly.  The only comfort is we are six months closer to seeing our beautiful babies again, to hug their little bodies, to breathe in their scent, and to never let go. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

My Silence

I haven't posted for a while.

The truth is, I don't have much to say.

My heart hurts.  I still miss my babies every single second of every single day. 

I'm still not pregnant. 

There is nothing new here. 

Everything seems to be on hold.  I'm trying to survive my busy season at work.  I'm not working many hours, and it hasn't been that bad, except I can't handle stress like I used to.  I seem to have completely lost my ability to multi-task and keep all the balls in the air that I used to be able to juggle with ease.  My mind is constantly elsewhere.  I nearly walked away from my career because I can't do it any more.  I think I'm past that now.  I still can't focus like I should, but I'm trying to work around it.

I don't know what is next for us.  As my whole life story has been, nothing has gone as planned.  I need to stop planning, because clearly, there is no point. 

I try to hold onto the faith that eventually, we will have happiness, but to be perfectly honest, that's getting harder.  There are absolutely no guarantees in life, and that is becoming clearer and clearer to me with every single passing day.  God certainly didn't promise us that life would be peachy.   

I still have days where I just want to curl up in bed and not get out.  I think I've done that once, on my babies' due date.  The rest of the time, I somehow fight through it.  Maybe I'm depressed, but shouldn't I be? 

There is no time limit on grief.  It isn't something Dusty and I will ever "get over".  It isn't like things will be made whole again.  Our babies aren't here, they never will be.  It isn't fair. 

We are meeting with our pastor a week from tomorrow.  I'm not sure what I want to gain from it, but I am looking forward to it, and I think we need it.  I know I do. 

I'm ready to give up. 

Maybe soon I'll have something positive to post about.  I will share about our March for Babies soon.