We Wonder
12 weeks ago today, we met you, saw your tiny little bodies for the first time. It's hard to imagine it's been so long. I wish with every ounce of my being that we were just now meeting you.
Sweet babies. There are so many things you gave us, so many things we learned about you during your short time here. But, there are so many more things we didn't get to have, that we will always wonder about.
Our sweet, precious babies.
We never got to hear your cry. When a woman gives birth, she listens for that precious sound, that sound that signals that her child is alive and is strong, and is ok. My sweet children, I know you tried, your lungs just weren't ready yet. Oh how we will always long for that sound, to know what you both would sound like. To learn the difference between your cries, to be able to distinguish you both individually, and to learn what your different cries meant.
We never got to see your beautiful eyes. My Chandler and Paisley, you were so little, your eyes hadn't opened yet. How I long to know what your beautiful eyes looked like. I'm convinced you both have my blue eyes, but would love to see your daddy's green eyes too.
We wonder what your hair color would have been. I think you were both going to have blond hair. Especially when you were little.
We wonder how you would have slept. We planned to put you both in the same crib for a while. We both imagine you cuddling close to each other. After all, you have always been together.
Oh how we long to see your precious faces smile. My little babies. I wish I could see that.
How I wish we could hear your giggle. It would have been the sweetest sound on earth, I just know it.
I wish I could hear what your sweet voices would sound like. I ache to hear your voices say mommy and daddy.
We will always wonder these things, along with thousands more things about what your life would have been like on earth. But now, we wonder other things too.
We wonder about your life in Heaven.
Do you see us? Are you looking down on us and watching us? Do you know us? Will you know us when we get there? Are you babies? If you are, who is holding you all the time? If you aren't, how old are you? I picture you being 4 years old. I don't know why. Part of me is sad at that, because I want to snuggle you as babies and hold you for eternity, but then part of me thinks it wouldn't be fair to you for you to stay babies forever. And Dusty and I have talked so many times of how we can't wait to get to Heaven and see two beautiful little children run up to us and call us Mom and Dad for the first time. Oh how my heart aches for that. I know Dusty and I will hold you for eternity.
Did you watch us hold your bodies after you had each passed? You went from our arms into the arms of Jesus. Did you see us crying in agony over losing you?
Paisley, did you wait for your brother, to show him the way? Chandler, did you know your sister was gone and long to join her? You both have been together since day one. We have comfort knowing you are still together.
Have you met our dads? All of my grandparents? Dusty's grandpa?
Perhaps my dad has taken you fishing with his good friend Frank. I think that's where they spend most of their time in Heaven. I imagine they are fishing and catching the best crappie they have ever eaten. By now, I'm sure Dad has taught you all exactly where the best fishing holes are, how to tie on the lure, and that trick Dad always seemed to have for getting his jig to look the most attractive to fish.
Maybe Dusty's dad has played "where's my thumb" with you, even though we told you, Paisley, to not fall for it. We forgot to tell you, Chandler, so hopefully you have told him, Paisley. I know that our bodies will be made perfect in Heaven, but I still picture Rocky without his thumb.
Do you run around together, holding hands, giggling at all of the fun you are having?
Did you have a Christmas tree in Heaven? We imagine Christmas is the biggest celebration of them all in Heaven.
Do you know how much we love you? And how, for the rest of our lives, we will think of you every single minute, and love you with all of our hearts.
We love you, Chandler and Paisley, and we can't wait to see you again.
Sweet babies. There are so many things you gave us, so many things we learned about you during your short time here. But, there are so many more things we didn't get to have, that we will always wonder about.
Our sweet, precious babies.
We never got to hear your cry. When a woman gives birth, she listens for that precious sound, that sound that signals that her child is alive and is strong, and is ok. My sweet children, I know you tried, your lungs just weren't ready yet. Oh how we will always long for that sound, to know what you both would sound like. To learn the difference between your cries, to be able to distinguish you both individually, and to learn what your different cries meant.
We never got to see your beautiful eyes. My Chandler and Paisley, you were so little, your eyes hadn't opened yet. How I long to know what your beautiful eyes looked like. I'm convinced you both have my blue eyes, but would love to see your daddy's green eyes too.
We wonder what your hair color would have been. I think you were both going to have blond hair. Especially when you were little.
We wonder how you would have slept. We planned to put you both in the same crib for a while. We both imagine you cuddling close to each other. After all, you have always been together.
Oh how we long to see your precious faces smile. My little babies. I wish I could see that.
How I wish we could hear your giggle. It would have been the sweetest sound on earth, I just know it.
I wish I could hear what your sweet voices would sound like. I ache to hear your voices say mommy and daddy.
We will always wonder these things, along with thousands more things about what your life would have been like on earth. But now, we wonder other things too.
We wonder about your life in Heaven.
Do you see us? Are you looking down on us and watching us? Do you know us? Will you know us when we get there? Are you babies? If you are, who is holding you all the time? If you aren't, how old are you? I picture you being 4 years old. I don't know why. Part of me is sad at that, because I want to snuggle you as babies and hold you for eternity, but then part of me thinks it wouldn't be fair to you for you to stay babies forever. And Dusty and I have talked so many times of how we can't wait to get to Heaven and see two beautiful little children run up to us and call us Mom and Dad for the first time. Oh how my heart aches for that. I know Dusty and I will hold you for eternity.
Did you watch us hold your bodies after you had each passed? You went from our arms into the arms of Jesus. Did you see us crying in agony over losing you?
Paisley, did you wait for your brother, to show him the way? Chandler, did you know your sister was gone and long to join her? You both have been together since day one. We have comfort knowing you are still together.
Have you met our dads? All of my grandparents? Dusty's grandpa?
Perhaps my dad has taken you fishing with his good friend Frank. I think that's where they spend most of their time in Heaven. I imagine they are fishing and catching the best crappie they have ever eaten. By now, I'm sure Dad has taught you all exactly where the best fishing holes are, how to tie on the lure, and that trick Dad always seemed to have for getting his jig to look the most attractive to fish.
Maybe Dusty's dad has played "where's my thumb" with you, even though we told you, Paisley, to not fall for it. We forgot to tell you, Chandler, so hopefully you have told him, Paisley. I know that our bodies will be made perfect in Heaven, but I still picture Rocky without his thumb.
Do you run around together, holding hands, giggling at all of the fun you are having?
Did you have a Christmas tree in Heaven? We imagine Christmas is the biggest celebration of them all in Heaven.
Do you know how much we love you? And how, for the rest of our lives, we will think of you every single minute, and love you with all of our hearts.
We love you, Chandler and Paisley, and we can't wait to see you again.
My heart aches for you. How loved they were - and are - by so many.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Megan. <3
DeleteI have been following you on Instagram-makingbabyd. I just wanted to let you know your husband and you are in my prayers. You are a beautiful writer and express so many things I am feeling. I know chandler and paisley are looking down on you.
ReplyDelete