Infertility is such a b*tch!

You know what still makes me feel like a punch in my gut?  Infertility.

Let me tell you how infertility still impacts me.  I see a pregnant belly, and I still feel that twinge of jealousy rise up.  I still think how amazing it must be to just, oh, you know, have sex and get pregnant {WHAT???  That happens???}.  I still think how nice it must be to be able to say, we want children now, and poof, it soon happens.  

However; now having Kanon and Remi, it doesn't drag me down and send me into the deep, dark depression that it used to.  I don't avoid pregnant friends like the plague any more.  I don't go home and cry every time there is a new pregnancy announcement.  My 23 year-old nephew and his 20 year-old ex girlfriend are having a baby.  Thank God I have Kanon and Remi now because I know, without a doubt, that if that had happened before having Kanon and Remi, and especially after having Chandler and Paisley, I'm not sure I would have been able to be pulled from the deep dark hole it would have sent me to.  I know that, because I had that thought many times while waiting to get pregnant, knowing it could be any time I'd find out something like that had happened.

But, this isn't the only way it still impacts me.  Not even close.  When you have immersed yourself in the infertile world, you find friends that understand what you've been going through, and you understand what they have walked through and are walking through, and you have an empathy for their pains and struggles more than anyone else can.  You feel the heartbreak along with them.  Their month after month of negative pregnancy tests take you right back to those hundreds of times, in your own bathroom, starring at that stupid test, squinting, begging, pleading, blinking back tears, wishing for that second line to appear...and never seeing it.  

About two weeks ago, I had three friends all in that dreaded two week wait.  Three close friends.  Friends I "know in real life", not just online, because really, if I count all of the amazing women I've met online that can be found by that TTC or Infertility hastag, then there are many more women that I could count in this number.  Three friends, all waiting, all praying, all hoping, to not be let down once again.  And all three ended in heartbreak, yet again.  

One friend transferred her last two of 6 frozen embryos in hopes of provided a sibling for her first child.  Of 6 frozen embryos, the most she got was a very short-lived pregnancy that ended in an early miscarriage.  How?  SIX!  How do six embryos not result in at least one child?  I will never understand, and my heart breaks for her.  She has hung up her dreams of giving her child a sibling, and is trying her best to be ok with that.

Another friend took a huge step in the infertile world, and began the IVF process.  Wrote the big fat check.  Injected herself over and over with the hopes of realizing the dream of becoming a mother.  And just about everything that could went wrong in her cycle, from miscommunication by her nurse when ordering meds (not at all her fault), lost labwork orders, lost ultrasound results, delays, everything.  All of those things could have been overcome and forgiven, had it not been for the final thing that went wrong.  One follicle decided to jump out ahead of the rest, while all the others lagged behind.  Cycle cancelled for IVF.  Her and her husband did decided to try IUI, and I was so hopeful.  It felt like God orchestrated a conversation which led to the IUI, and I hoped and prayed that meant it would lead to pregnancy and she wouldn't have to try again.  In a cruel joke, she originally thought it didn't work, only to figure out it did, but just a little bit.  She had a chemical pregnancy and is fighting to see the silver lining and hold onto hope.

Lastly, my third friend, who has had 2 late first trimester miscarriages, finally got the courage and the strength to try again.  To put her worry aside, and try.  To hand it to God and hope that she would get pregnant and it not end in tears, but, it wasn't her month either.  

All of these things break my heart.  I feel the weight of the burden and I've prayed to God asking that their burden be placed on me, to lighten their load, even just a little.  Please say a prayer for these three friends.  

Infertility is such a b*tch.  

Comments

  1. Truly heartbreaking. I have a friend that struggled for years with infertility. It's such a struggle with so many ups and downs. She had twin girls via IVF and recently was pregnant with a baby with her fiancé only to have a miscarriage. She wants a baby with her new future husband so badly and she's not sure it will ever happen. Makes me cringe when you hear of young teens having babies so easily and then they either abort or barely raise them. Big hugs and prayers for your friends. 😢

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