My biggest failure

My body failed Chandler & Paisley.  That will always be my biggest failure.  It will always be a guilt I will never be able to let go.  Tomorrow, it will have been 20 months since that awful, terrible day, and the pain and guilt I felt that day is just the same.  Maybe it hurts more today then it did then because the shock and numbness is gone, and I'm left with nothing but the reality of the situation.  

It will never matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault.  It was.  My body could not do what it should have been capable of doing, and as a result, my babies are in Heaven.  My sweet Chandler and Paisley.  They should be here, running around, gorgeous and handsome, sweet as can be, and instead, I can only dream of the day I get to Heaven and get to wrap my arms around them for the first time since October 22, 2014.  

I can't look at Kanon and Remington without thinking of Chandler and Paisley, nor would I want to.   I can't help but wonder what kind of babies Chandler & Paisley would have been.  I can't help but look at Kanon and Remi and wonder what Chandler & Paisley would have looked like at their age.  I can't help but have a heart full of love for all four of my babies at the same time that I hate my body and am filled with guilt over what should have been.

It is incredible to me how I can live in what feels like two separate worlds at the same time.  While I have overwhelming happiness and joy because of Kanon and Remi and healing they have provided, at the same time, my heart is still in pieces over what should have been.  I still long for and miss Chandler and Paisley more than I can even describe.  The pain is still raw and is constantly there.

I miss my babies.  

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