"How lucky!"...

"Twins?"

"One of each?"

"How lucky!"

I can't even tell you how many times that conversation has happened with strangers while out with the babies.  And every single time, it feels like a punch in the gut and makes me cringe. 

First, luck has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we have these babies.  It was God and the care of the doctors.

Second, if we were so "lucky", then why are Chandler and Paisley in Heaven?

It honestly takes everything I have to not tell our story when people say how lucky we are.  I want to tell them what it took to bring these babies into the world, and how Chandler and Paisley are in Heaven, waiting on us to get there.  How we lost our first set of twins at 22 weeks.  How we prayed and prayed for our Itty and Bitty during their short NICU stay, and how those prayers weren't answered in the way we hoped for.  

I want to tell them of the injections and procedures it took to even have any chance at pregnancy.  I want to tell them of the $18,000 in medical bills last year alone (which doesn't even include the fresh cycle).  I want to tell them of all the friends that prayed and prayed for us.  I want to tell them of the miscarriage that came between Chandler and Paisley and Kanon and Remi.  I want to tell them of the agonizing decision we had to make of transferring our last two embryos and being so scared of getting pregnant with twins and losing them again.  

I want to tell them of the serious conversations that Dusty and I had while on vacation between frozen cycles, contemplating what life would be like without children and whether or not we could survive if our last frozen cycle didn't work and we made the decision not to do another fresh.  How we discussed what life would be like without children and if we could possibly survive that.  

I want to tell them of the weekly doctor visits, the trips to Kansas City to see the high risk doctor, the constant anxiety of my pregnancy.  Of how at every little thing, I was scared.  How for the first month of feeling kicks, I was too scared to even enjoy feeling the babies kick because I mistook contractions for kicks with Chandler and Paisley.  I can't even tell you when I first felt Kanon and Remi kick me because I was too fraught with anxiety to even enjoy the moment.  I want to tell them of going to the ER at 30 weeks and having a panic attack while there.  I want to tell them of the month of bedrest hoping to keep the babies in as long as possible.

And then I want to ask them how lucky we really are.  Do they still think we're lucky after hearing our story?  

But, of course, I can't do that.  Instead, I just give a half-hearted smile, and walk away, saying something like, we sure enjoy them, which is the truth, we enjoy them, but we are certainly not lucky.

We are, however; incredibly blessed to have these babies home with us.  This pregnancy could have gone a million different ways.  Their NICU stay could have been much different.  But, those things didn't happen, and in those ways, we are blessed.  God did show us that He is a good father (something I still struggle with).  We have Kanon and Remi here, thank God.

And luck has absolutely nothing to do with it.