Knock knock...
Well...hello there...if anyone is actually still there. Probably not. That's ok. This blog is mainly just cheap therapy for me at this point anyway! I don't even know if my hubby checks it anymore, ha! But that's what happens when it's been 4 1/2 months since I last posted, and before that, it was sporadic at best!
My mission today? Type out whatever feels like flowing through my fingers to this keyboard.
I've survived another "busy season". I use quote because it isn't over yet and I'm still busy, but it is what it is. I keep doing what I do.
My babies are 2. TWO. Yes, TWO! How? I don't know. I really don't. They are the loves of my life and I long for them constantly throughout the day.
I'm not the mother I wish I was. I wish I never lost my patience. I wish I never felt that urge to spank my child when they misbehave. I wish I never felt the urge to raise my voice and become angry. I wish that Dusty and I knew how to handle our children when they push our buttons and do the very thing we just asked them to stop doing. But I don't. So I pray about it and I try to find ways to practice self-control when they push my buttons.
I still miss Chandler & Paisley. That will never change. There are days when I try to imagine what it would be like with two more precious babies running around. It's too much to reconcile in my brain most days. How old would they have been when we tried for Kanon & Remi? How much time would there have been between them?
I don't know.
I have 3 friends specifically right now that are still childless, that have faced infertility, treatments, and miscarriages, and my heart hurts so badly for them. I truly don't know what person I'd be today if I didn't have Kanon and Remi. I wouldn't want to see that person. I would be bitter, and angry and mean and, all sorts of other things. I perhaps would have even lost my faith, rejected God, and going down a horrible path. I'm so thankful I'm not that person, but so broken for my friends that have this unfilled longing.
Then, I have other friends who have a child, but want more. They long for more children. I'm so blessed to have two, to have a boy and a girl, but there are days when I long so much for more children. I long to experience pregnancy again, and that newborn stage again. I long to have that one more time. But would one more ever be enough?
Then, I see stories of children being abused, or sick, or hurt in accidents, and my heart breaks. Absolutely breaks. Why? I just don't understand.
I hope to revitalize this blog again some day, but for now, I just feel like I lack anything relevant or worthwhile of reading. When I need the cheap therapy, I'll post.
My mission today? Type out whatever feels like flowing through my fingers to this keyboard.
I've survived another "busy season". I use quote because it isn't over yet and I'm still busy, but it is what it is. I keep doing what I do.
My babies are 2. TWO. Yes, TWO! How? I don't know. I really don't. They are the loves of my life and I long for them constantly throughout the day.
I'm not the mother I wish I was. I wish I never lost my patience. I wish I never felt that urge to spank my child when they misbehave. I wish I never felt the urge to raise my voice and become angry. I wish that Dusty and I knew how to handle our children when they push our buttons and do the very thing we just asked them to stop doing. But I don't. So I pray about it and I try to find ways to practice self-control when they push my buttons.
I still miss Chandler & Paisley. That will never change. There are days when I try to imagine what it would be like with two more precious babies running around. It's too much to reconcile in my brain most days. How old would they have been when we tried for Kanon & Remi? How much time would there have been between them?
I don't know.
I have 3 friends specifically right now that are still childless, that have faced infertility, treatments, and miscarriages, and my heart hurts so badly for them. I truly don't know what person I'd be today if I didn't have Kanon and Remi. I wouldn't want to see that person. I would be bitter, and angry and mean and, all sorts of other things. I perhaps would have even lost my faith, rejected God, and going down a horrible path. I'm so thankful I'm not that person, but so broken for my friends that have this unfilled longing.
Then, I have other friends who have a child, but want more. They long for more children. I'm so blessed to have two, to have a boy and a girl, but there are days when I long so much for more children. I long to experience pregnancy again, and that newborn stage again. I long to have that one more time. But would one more ever be enough?
Then, I see stories of children being abused, or sick, or hurt in accidents, and my heart breaks. Absolutely breaks. Why? I just don't understand.
I hope to revitalize this blog again some day, but for now, I just feel like I lack anything relevant or worthwhile of reading. When I need the cheap therapy, I'll post.
Comments
Post a Comment