When there is no Merry in your Christmas

Merry - Full of cheerfulness or gaiety; joyous in disposition or spirit

It is Christmas time.  I usually love this time of year.  I love seeing all of the beautiful Christmas lights.  I love singing (even though I can't sing) the Christmas songs and celebrating Jesus' birth at church.  I love spending time with family.  I love getting & sending Christmas cards.

This year, I just want it all to be over.  I can't even really muster up the ability to tell anyone "Merry" Christmas.  It just hurts too much.  So most of my messages have said something like, I hope you have a good Christmas.  There is no merry in my Christmas. 

Last Christmas was supposed to be our last Christmas without presents under the tree for our children.  Starting this year, we were supposed to have children to spoil rotten, because, well, we finally had children and we didn't care about spoiling them.  Instead of toys, we have bought mementos to help keep our children's memories alive.  Instead of clothes, we bought our children a headstone. 

At the shower my work threw for us, we played a game where we guessed what day I would deliver.  Given that I was pregnant with twins, we had a three month range, December, January and February.  Dusty guessed I would deliver on Christmas day, he was convinced we'd be celebrating Christmas in the hospital and we didn't care at all!

I guessed December 29th.  Mom guessed Valentine's Day.  Nobody guessed October 20th.  October wasn't even an option.  October never should have been an option.

Comments

  1. So very sorry. I pray God wraps you in His comfort and love during this most difficult time and that you are able to find some peace. Family can be an incredible source of strength and support. Blessings for some semblance of joy this season to you and yours.

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