With a Little Help from My Friends
In the past week or so, I've gained so much comfort from various discussions and talks with friends. I really feel like I'm finally beginning to get past the anger and envy I have been feeling for so long, and now, I'm just waiting for it to be our turn.
On Saturday morning, I went shopping for a friend's baby shower present (I think that was at least the 50th baby shower gift I've purchased since TTC...ok, that may be a slight exaggeration, haha) and instead of being sad or angry, I just thought, ok, God, I'm ready for it to be our turn. There wasn't anger that I was buying another baby shower gift while still waiting for our own baby, and there wasn't even the typical pain in my chest I feel when shopping, there was just this feeling that I was waiting for our turn.
A friend asked me to do a 30 day, 30 minutes a day Bible reading/prayer "challenge" beginning on May 1 to help us develop the habit of doing that. Another friend sent me a very encouraging excerpt from her devotional for that day. These little pieces of encouragement mean so much to me, and really, truly are helping me get by.
A girl I follow on my TTC instagram account posted earlier this week a truth that I hadn't expressed yet, but have been feeling. This woman is also struggling with infertility, and a friend of hers asked her, via a text conversation, if she really trusted God. This girl that I follow posted that, although she does believe in God, she struggles with putting 100% of her trust in His plan because that may mean that she will never have children of her own. I feel exactly the same way. It just feels like, if I were to just stop praying to God to allow Dusty and I to have our own children, and instead, ask God to give me peace in His plan, that means that I'm ok with the fact that we may not have children, and although I'm finally feeling like the angry and envy have subsided, I'm not to the point where I can say I'd be ok with never having children of our own. I'm just not. I still want and desire that too much to let that go.
Along similar lines, a couple of months ago, two different friends sent me the link to a blog post titled "But Why Does She Get Babies?" and this post could not have any better expressed how I feel at times, and could not have driven home any more how I need to feel at times like these.
For an IVF update...nothing new. Still waiting. I haven't heard a peep, not a single word, from my nurse practitioner since April 3rd. I have been so angry, so frustrated with her! (Maybe that is were the anger has been redirected to, haha) I left a voicemail for her last Wednesday asking for her to please call me and never heard back from her. It's unreal! So, I asked my friend from high school who had IVF through the same clinic and the same contact whether or not she had a hard time getting answers from her. My friend said that she remembers that she didn't hear much from her at all and was very frustrated with her at the same point in the process I was, and then told me her timeline and how many birth control packs she went through, etc. I then took her timeline and mapped out when our procedures may be based on that just so I could get an idea of what I'm looking at. We also have some weekend travel in the next two months, as well as me being out of town for a week in June for work, so I'm worried this is all going to fall right in the middle of the travel and we'll be delayed again! If things work like they did for my friend, I think we may be good, but...who knows. I'm really trying to not stress about it and just remember that God has a plan. It's working for the most part, but I will admit there are moments when I feel on the verge of freaking out and wanting definite answers!! Ha!
Thank God for the friends and family we have. They constantly support us and encourage us. It helps so very much.
On Saturday morning, I went shopping for a friend's baby shower present (I think that was at least the 50th baby shower gift I've purchased since TTC...ok, that may be a slight exaggeration, haha) and instead of being sad or angry, I just thought, ok, God, I'm ready for it to be our turn. There wasn't anger that I was buying another baby shower gift while still waiting for our own baby, and there wasn't even the typical pain in my chest I feel when shopping, there was just this feeling that I was waiting for our turn.
A friend asked me to do a 30 day, 30 minutes a day Bible reading/prayer "challenge" beginning on May 1 to help us develop the habit of doing that. Another friend sent me a very encouraging excerpt from her devotional for that day. These little pieces of encouragement mean so much to me, and really, truly are helping me get by.
A girl I follow on my TTC instagram account posted earlier this week a truth that I hadn't expressed yet, but have been feeling. This woman is also struggling with infertility, and a friend of hers asked her, via a text conversation, if she really trusted God. This girl that I follow posted that, although she does believe in God, she struggles with putting 100% of her trust in His plan because that may mean that she will never have children of her own. I feel exactly the same way. It just feels like, if I were to just stop praying to God to allow Dusty and I to have our own children, and instead, ask God to give me peace in His plan, that means that I'm ok with the fact that we may not have children, and although I'm finally feeling like the angry and envy have subsided, I'm not to the point where I can say I'd be ok with never having children of our own. I'm just not. I still want and desire that too much to let that go.
Along similar lines, a couple of months ago, two different friends sent me the link to a blog post titled "But Why Does She Get Babies?" and this post could not have any better expressed how I feel at times, and could not have driven home any more how I need to feel at times like these.
For an IVF update...nothing new. Still waiting. I haven't heard a peep, not a single word, from my nurse practitioner since April 3rd. I have been so angry, so frustrated with her! (Maybe that is were the anger has been redirected to, haha) I left a voicemail for her last Wednesday asking for her to please call me and never heard back from her. It's unreal! So, I asked my friend from high school who had IVF through the same clinic and the same contact whether or not she had a hard time getting answers from her. My friend said that she remembers that she didn't hear much from her at all and was very frustrated with her at the same point in the process I was, and then told me her timeline and how many birth control packs she went through, etc. I then took her timeline and mapped out when our procedures may be based on that just so I could get an idea of what I'm looking at. We also have some weekend travel in the next two months, as well as me being out of town for a week in June for work, so I'm worried this is all going to fall right in the middle of the travel and we'll be delayed again! If things work like they did for my friend, I think we may be good, but...who knows. I'm really trying to not stress about it and just remember that God has a plan. It's working for the most part, but I will admit there are moments when I feel on the verge of freaking out and wanting definite answers!! Ha!
Thank God for the friends and family we have. They constantly support us and encourage us. It helps so very much.
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