Hope

For the first time in a very long time, I am filled with hope.  I feel positive, I feel hopeful, and I feel happy.  In a month, I could be pregnant.  In a month, I could be on the way to giving my husband what I want to give him more than anything, a child, his child.  For the first time in a very long time, I feel hopeful that this will happen, we'll become parents. 

I've made some changes in the past few weeks that I really think are helping.  First, work has slowed down, and I'm not as tired (i.e., not as cranky) and that is really helping.  Second, and more importantly, I've become more faithful.  I've been pushed to my limit, and for a while, lost my faith, and only went through the motions.  I've spent a lot of time in thought and had lots of friends and family members praying for us, talking to us, and just in general, checking in on us, and I know that has helped!  I've also started designating time through a challenge with a couple of good friends to spend 30 minutes a day reading my bible, devotionals, and praying.  I can honestly say, all of those things have helped so much.  I go to bed and don't cry myself to sleep, and instead, look forward to our IVF procedure and all of the hope that comes with it! 

I told somebody a couple of days ago that if this didn't work, I'm afraid I'm going to hit rock bottom.  He told me I can't think like that, and he's exactly right.  I absolutely can not think about that now.  A friend that went through IVF recently (and now has a very handsome little boy) told me that she, once the IVF process started for her, decided she would only have positive thoughts.  From this point on, it's only positive thoughts!  This friend has been such a Godsend during the last few weeks, and has answered the most random questions I have about this process.  I am so thankful for her!!  

I, as much as anyone, know life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but for now, I'm going to convince myself it is.  I have to!  I owe it to my husband and our future children.  We are going to get pregnant.  We are going to have a baby.  In a month, I will be pregnant!

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